So a few weeks ago I was hanging out on the internet and I saw that MetalSucks is calling me out for not writing a weed column for their website. Well, guess what, dudes? I am going to write you a column for sure, but it’s not going to be about weed — it’s going to be about pro wrestling! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Anyone that knows me knows that I am a huge pro wrestling fan, and I don’t fuck around when it comes to useless wrestling trivia. I don’t know what it is about grown men pretending to beat the shit out of each other that I find so entertaining. I think it might be the fact that I have been watching it for as long as I can remember, and it reminds me of much simpler times, when Ninja Turtles and cartoons were my main interest.

So there might be a lot of you out there asking yourselves, “This is a metal website why is he writing about wrestling?” And the answer to that question is “Because I can, Dingus!”

Let me start out by saying that I know pro wrestling is lame as hell now, and the PG era of WWE sucks dick and ass. But I still watch it, hoping that one day, the WWE will shake things up with an interesting storyline or something, So far they have not. I am beginning to think that the WWE has abandoned the old-schoolers like me out there that remember the days of Squash matches and main events that actually meant something. These days, I feel like they are showing us the same match over and over, all while expecting us to shell out sixty bucks on a pay-per view. Who the hell would shell out that kind of cash to see the same exact thing they have shown us for free on live television? Blarg! It’s very frustrating. They should let me write for the WWE! I would show them what is missing from their shows: Excitement!

The really fun stuff about wrestling, though, isn’t even what goes on in the ring — it’s what goes on outside of it. I spend alot of time on tour reading “shoot” interviews (in wrestling lingo, “shoot” means “not scripted” — in other words, they talk mad shit about each other) and biographies written by old-school wrestlers, and let me tell you brother, hearing the stories of partying and drug use from these guys makes me glad that I am not doing that for a living.

On tour we will play a show and then drink ourselves stupid night after night, and after a couple weeks of doing that you start to feel… well, kinda shitty. But wrestlers would have to go out there and throw themselves through tables every night and then party — and, meanwhile, they would be taking steroids and lifting weights. That sounds like a pretty tough lifestyle.

Ric Flair said in his book that there were a couple years of his life where he would wrestle every day and twice on Sunday. Yikes! That makes my back hurt just thinking about it. And, of course, there were the more hardcore wrestlers, like Mick Foley, who had to go to Japan and throw themselves onto thumbtacks and barbwire to make a living. That would suck!

So, anyways, I am planning on making this a weekly column for MetalSucks, and it should be pretty badass! You have now had the Honor of reading the very first installment… check back very soon for updates!

-Landphil

Beneath Grow Lights Thou Shalt Rise, the new album by Cannabis Corpse, comes out July 12 on Tankcrimes in a variety of formats, including the ”Pro Stoner Die Hard”  edition, which includes the LP on clear in a gatefold jacket and a bonus track on a foil stamped flexi disc, along with an embroidered patch and foil sticker. Check out the song ”Blame it on Bud” here, and watch a trailer for the album here.