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Hipsters Out Of Metal!, Upcoming Bullshit

HOOM! ANALYSIS: METALLICA, LOU REED’S SECRET PROJECT SHOULD STAY SECRET

 Thursday, June 16th, 2011 at 10:30am by

I haven’t yet done the research, but as of this writing my hypothesis on the Velvet Underground is that the vaunted ’60s art-rock act is one of America’s earliest hipster bands, kinda faux-daring (drugs) and pseudo-cutting edge (violinist) but tuneless, boring, and ear-nasty. And if the aged music snobs in my life are to be believed, frontman Lou Reed’s post-VU career also is kinda silly, starting with dark, Bowie-assisted rock and then thirty solid years of critically-reviled claptrap.

I reiterate that these are all second-hand insights and my people might be wrong about Reed. (According to Axl, they’re super-wrong.) However, their observations got a full endorsement Wednesday night via the announcement of Reed’s collaboration with rock’s most artistically bankrupt artists, Metallica.

Let’s decode the situation: A once-provocative songwriter now separated by thirty years from his good ideas (who demonstrated this fact with a 2003 album based on Edgar Allen Poe works — puh-leez) teams with flabby, out-of-touch hacks whose crazed ambition has led them to target Rolling Stone-type rockist wankers with daddy issues for their next demographic conquest. Like Lady Gaga’s attempts to woo metal people with her flimsy lip service, only in reverse.

One, this pairing sounds like the shittiest shit ever; two, man post-Justice Metallica reminds me of a pathetically insecure high school kid. I mean, they just won’t rest until they’re liked by everybody, be it douche (Load), jock (the black album), girl (“Nothing Else Matters”), or lunch lady (Death Magnetic). Or until I take a dump in their lockers. True story.

-ADF

  • Joe

    Metallica: Hits rock bottom and continues to dig.

    • Ravendusk

      They’ve been digging for ages until they find Lou Reed.
      RIP Metallica.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kyle-Timothy-Palmer/582086079 Kyle Timothy Palmer

    I dunno. While Metallica is pretty much guaranteed to disappoint, it could be interesting to see how they collaborate with Lou Reed.

    • pellet man

      If it’s guaranteed, then it isn’t much of a disappointment anymore now is it?

  • jd091

    I agree, post Justice ‘tallica sucks big time. Death Magnetic = meh, the rest is shit. Hate the black album.

  • Brian R.

    I just don’t get why Lou Reed would want to make an album with THEM! If he wanted to explore his heavier side again, there are WAY more relevant artists that he could collaborate with, and who’d probably be more than happy to work with him. Oh well, ultilmately, whatever….

  • KC

    Why all the Lou Reed hate? He’s not that awful. It might not be your cup of tea, but you act like the man has no talent whatsoever. There’s a difference between not liking something while still respecting it, and just being a douche. The tone of this article sits more on the douche side of things.

    Lou Reed is one of the most important members of the rock community and a lot of what we all listen to might not exist in its current form without him. He deserves respect for the work he has put in regardless of whether you enjoy it or not. To say that VU are “one of America’s earliest hipster bands” just sounds asinine and makes it appear that you don’t know anything about the actual history of music.

    However, that being said, I do agree that this sounds like a horrible collaboration between two artists that don’t really share that much in common.

    • gnarlk

      i generally can’t stand lou reed, but anso’s pretty much a clueless retard when it comes to any form of music that isn’t shitty throwback metal. if it’s not that, it’s ultimately thrown on his “hipster” pile. another winning post anso…

    • http://hipstersoutofmetal.blogspot.com/ Anso DF

      You’re projecting.

      • gnarlk

        whatever makes you feel better about your hackdom…

  • some douche

    lou reed is ignorant. frank zappa shits on everybody from that time so he can go fuck himself

  • Sean

    One of the few Anso articles I actually agree with. Post Justice Metallica is dead to me and I never enjoyed anything Lou Reed produced so this combo just seems like a waste of time.

  • ferris

    Not talking smack on the project, but now I can’t stop imagining Metallica singing “Satellite of Love.”

    “Satellite’s gone [UUHHH!]”

    And Lars does the “bom-bom-bom”s in the background.

  • BlackVomit

    This is big pile of crap being shit on a by a dinosaur, vomiting other extinct dinosaurs. This is worthless….

    • RIP

      So in other words, it sounds like a lot of bands featured on this site.

  • spanisheddie

    Shitting on the VU and Lou Reed? I thought this site couldn’t sink any lower. You basically fail at relevant music with that attitude. Actually, never mind, I just noticed the Mountain Dew ads on the side of the screen and remembered your target demographic. Tweens with ADHD who like to LOL and UMAD each other. You all just go on thinking you invented everything if it helps you sleep at night.

    • Dirtman73

      Velvet Underground haven’t been relevant since the early seventies. VU sounds like complete horseshit after repeat listens, and anyone who thinks otherwise is a burned-out druggy with bad taste.

      Nico sounded like a man with smoker’s throat.

      • lost goat

        if you think nico sounds like a man with smokers throat and that their shit wasnt any good,youre fulla shit and dont know decent music when you hear it

  • pellet man

    Just because /mu/ likes a band, doesn’t mean it’s automatically hipster.

  • eetfuk

    Anso + Metallica = do not read. Concerning Metallica, the guy is almost as criminally stupid as Lars.

  • cuntbucket

    Hopefully this means the rumored David Bowie/Slayer collab is coming soon as well. I hear they’re gonna cover PiL’s Metal Box record.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Pat-Arriola/100002131340820 Pat Arriola

      I would LOVE nothing more than to hear the Slayer version Starman.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ryan-Sean-Heron/9391234 Ryan Sean Heron

    lunch ladies are big fans of death magnetic? who knew?

    • Farva

      I thought the target demographic for DM was men in their 40′s who watch UFC.

      • zach

        I agree, it’s probably edgy enough for a midlife crisis.

  • Stank

    you run a music blog, and seemingly have no knowledge about Lou Reed that’s your own. that to me, is an issue in itself. your biased comes off as stupidity.

  • Grymmbear

    I would kill to hear Lou Reed work with Nachtmystium, My Dying Bride, or Blut Aus Nord instead.

    Any of those would produce a head-fucking result of epic proportions.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Eirik-Kjs-Usterud/1067091137 Eirik Kjøs Usterud

    Lou Reed and Metallica have both done great things, but they’re both very, very inconsistent. And they are absolutely not a natural combination in any way at all. We’re not gonna know until it comes out, but I’m expecting this to be a disaster. Unless it’s called “Metallica Machine Music” and lives up to the title, that would seriously own

    There’s an interesting parallell between the Black Album and VU’s Loaded, by the way – they’re both mediocre sellout albums with like one or two good songs each, released by a previously great band despite having little if anything to do with their earlier output! So there’s that

  • wmr

    Metallica hasn’t been relavant since Master of Puppets.

  • Fester

    People, people. Stop pretending there is any chance this is going to be anything other than awful. There is so much good music in the world. Look elsewhere.

    • RIP

      Anywhere but this site.

      • gnarlk

        what? you mean that you’re not given a throbbing chubby by faceless shredders and bland tech metal bands? for shame…

  • zach

    I have to wonder, what happened to the band that wrote Frayed ends of Sanity (4:04 Riff) and To Live is to Die? How do you lose musical talent over time?

  • dth

    1) I wish people would stop using the “if you don’t like them, at least respect them” mantra. Would you really say something like “I don’t like steak, but I respect the contributions that bovines have made to human nutrition.”?

    2) Lou Reed’s album “Transformer” ain’t half bad. That’s the only one I’ve really given a good listen to. “The Velvet Underground & Nico” seems overrated.

    3) This collaboration looks like a sad attempt by both parties at reclaiming some relevance in the world of music. An attempt that really doesn’t make any sense and will most certainly not be worthwhile.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brandon-Cunningham/100000167213200 Brandon Cunningham

    True Story: 99% of the bands you promote on this site are worse than St Anger era Metallica.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Abdallah-Hamidavi/811105556 Abdallah Hamidavi

      I wouldnt say St. Anger era…but alot of the bands promoted here are worse than Load/ReLoad era Metallica for sure. Those albums are both great rock albums. So what if they don’t want to be a thrash band anymore?

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Brandon-Cunningham/100000167213200 Brandon Cunningham

        exactly i like how he said those albums are appealing to douchebags…i guess id rather be a douchebag then a a whiny cynical asshole. looking at the comments on every site covering this news, it seems like every conversation is going like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wHLtRgYVehE&feature=youtu.be sure this could end up being horrible but i thought Robert Plant and Allison Krauss collaborating was going to be horrible as well. people thought Anthrax and Public enemy was going to be horrible too.

        • Les

          Unfortunately, no band gets as big as Metallica without putting a big target on their backs. I am glad Load and Reload sound nothing like Justice. People want them to keep making the same album over and over but they can’t. They aren’t poor 20 year old kids anymore…they are middle-aged millionaires. I thoroughly enjoyed Death Magnetic btw.

      • Metalwolf

        Yep, I love the hell out of Load (Reload not so much) and Death Magnetic might be my favorite Met album. I am so incredibly tired of hearing people bitch about them when they have great riffs and fantastic songwriting then go jump on the dicks of the latest musically clueless shreddy tech band.

  • lost goat

    james hetfield is trying to be garage rock and failing miserably at it

    if a band starts out as thrash then tries to go mix rock into it,it doesnt work,and all those 90s bands that did it,it all came out sounding stupid. garage rock is like punk- it has chord progressions in the music and rock riffs. once you try to turn something metal into rock it doesnt work,cuz it just sounds like weak happy sounding riffs,with lots of “yeah!!!” goin on

  • daff

    Just: insert Velvet Undergrountallica joke here.

  • Andy Warhol

    I really enjoyed Rock and Roll Animal by Lou Reed plus he showed that music could be pretty simple and excessiveness is not needed to make great music

    but with Metallica i really abhor this idea, I hope Lou Reed ain’t just looking to score millions

    • some douche

      you’ve been dead for like… decades i think, right?

  • http://who'smetallica? Dan the man

    metallica is like kiddy porn… I fuck’n hate those aholes… nothing but noise pollution.

  • http://michel-legrisbi.blogspot.com LeGrisbi

    Slayer should counter with Bob Dylan