What Amazon tells me is called Monopoly — The Classic Edition looks just like what we knew as plain old Monopoly when I was a kid, which makes me feel fucking old. Meanwhile, the current version of plain old Monopoly advertises the inclusion of “speed die” so you can “play faster!” Because that’s why Monopoly games always take so long to finish — the die just aren’t aerodynamic enough.

For fuck’s sake.

ANYWAY, the previously-announced edition of Monopoly centering around Metallica, the band of the proletariat, has been released. And I know it’s immodest of me to pat myself on the back, but I totally called it: Metalopy costs forty-three bucks before tax or shipping, which is more than twice as much as the nineteen bucks you’d pay for “classic” (FUCK YOU, PARKER BROS.) Monopoly. And what does one get for the privilege of shelling out that extra cash? Again, it didn’t take a psychic to see this shit coming:

• Pieces that are kinda-sorta related to various ‘Tallica records (a scale for Justice, the snake from the black album,  the lightning thing from Load, etc.). But you actually only get some of these figurines; you have to pay YET ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS if you want some “additional pieces.”
• The spots on the board have been re-named — for example, the Chance and Community Chest spaces are now called “Jump in the Fire” and “Binge and Purge,” and there’s a “Battery Street,” and, uh, Venice Boulevard, ’cause… the band used to spend time on Venice Boulevard… I guess.

So, there ya have it: I’m getting close to death, and Metallica-themed Monopoly is totally worth every penny. Get yours here.

And in other news, AC/DC are now doing their own version of the game, too, so, y’know, better start saving now!

-AR

Thanks to everyone who e-mailed us about this for reminding us of the game’s existence. We don’t know what we ever would have done with our Saturday nights if not for this game.