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Hipsters Out Of Metal!

ANALYSIS: COHEED AND CAMBRIA BASSIST WILL STEAL YOUR DRUGS

 Monday, July 11th, 2011 at 10:00am by

TMZ reported Sunday that Coheed and Cambria bassist Michael Todd was arrested for armed robbery in Massachusetts. Whoa! Police reports say that Todd threatened to detonate a bomb in a drugstore, then fled by taxi with six bottles’ worth of ya-ya pills. Yikes. That first part feels like a felony charge. And though the taxi escape plan is not fundamentally horrible, Todd counteracted its anonymity factor by getting dropped off at his actual destination. Which was the Coheed and Cambria gig with Soundgarden at the Comcast Center in Mansfield. Where he would be for the next three hours or so. I guess he expected to blend in with all the other old high people with pills spilling from their pockets. Sigh.

Shit, why is stud even stealing the stuff anyway? I mean, America is made of drugs. Drugs are for sale, barter, and loan. Actually, it’s kinda hard to not take painkillers. You needn’t buy them; just accept them. Why, on Saturday I split my pizza with these two random grandmas and left the encounter with a Starburst-sized percoset. Imagine if I were a semi-famous/-wealthy rocker! Those guys get the best grandmas. I mean drugs.

But, okay, maybe Todd absolutely needed like 350 doses of oxycodone in a freaking hurry. We’ve all been there. My advice? A break-in. Better odds, lesser charges. And the haul! You could get yr drugz, take care of your toiletry needs, grab some viagra to sell to Asians, hit the candy aisle, and still vamoose a half hour before cops arrive. It’s not a perfect plan, but it sure beats the bomb note strategy. Which sucked so bad that Todd would’ve been better off paying a homeless guy to stage a heart attack and then deploy a few smoke grenades and bam! he’s got enough Oxy to get a Kid Rock concert fucked up. Now it’s too late for Todd, but if these words save even one other druggie bassist, our work is done.

-ADF

MetalSucks.net is for informational purposes only and not for the purpose of providing advice for narcotics thefts. You should contact your attorney to obtain counsel with respect to any particular drug robbery or burglary. Use of and access to MetalSucks.net or any of the links contained within the site imply no advisory relationship between MetalSucks.net and the jonesing viewer. The opinions expressed at or through MetalSucks.net are the opinions of the individual author and may not reflect the opinions of the publication or any advertiser.

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  • nick

    son i am disappoint

  • Gipson

    Year of the Black Cellmate

    • nick

      nighty nite, keep yo butt hole tight.

      • jon from nj

        100000

    • Marchosias

      Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

  • Nick

    I just saw them Friday night lol.

  • Zsa Zsa Gabor’s amputated leg used as a dildo and a bludgeon to beat people to death with

    Man-made drugs will make you faux bomb threat a pharmacy. Just stick to natural, earth-made drugs like weed where the only problem is if the fuzz catches you.

    • cougar party

      It will never cease to amaze me that Oxy is a prescription drug, but medical marijuana is controversial. Wake the fuck up people.

  • yzermantiis

    What a friggin dumbass

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Joel-Bailey/1624089874 Joel Bailey

    LOLZ galore

  • Rusty McThulhu

    Dude is probably on HEAVY watch by his bandmates and crew as far as drugs (trying to fin them/looking high etc.), and i for one am not surprised he did this, although OXY is an interesting drug to steal being as im almost positive he is a meth dude.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Kevin-Smith/12117309 Kevin Smith

    When “manning your own jackhammer” goes wrong.

  • halloway

    Ha ha. Doesn’t he have any roadies to do his dirty work? It’s not like C&C are touring out of their van anymore…

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Nathan-Wisdom/507819479 Nathan Wisdom

    So the guy steals a metric fuckton of oxy and doesn’t just hide in the sewer and do them all? Pfft.. If you’re gonna go crazy why not go all the way?

  • Douche baggins

    Shenannigans. Bassist’s are a dime a dozen. Tryouts start immediately!

    • The Ghost With The Most

      Yepidoodles. Useless standing drummers for the most part. Next!

    • Aether Jake

      I’m a bass player and I agree with this.

      • Brendan

        Then you need to start playing your instrument

    • Brian \m/(-_-)\m/

      they already have his replacement as of yesterday lol

  • Johnny

    It’s fucking insane what this shit drives people to do. I’m from Long Island, New York and a few weeks ago some guy ran into a pharmacy, shot four innocent people at point blank range (from age 17-60 something) and ran out with Oxys. Sick fucking world.

  • Kurt Cocain

    I’m pretty sure robbing a pharmacy is a minimum 10 year sentence, and add a terrorist bomb threat to that and he’s looking at 20-25 years. Dude is totally fucked. Bubba will no doubt make him his bitch, and pass him around like currency.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Mark-Gavin/1396340262 Mark Gavin

    despite how easy it is to make fun of something like this, I find it really too bad. He’s a great bassist and adds a lot to Coheed’s sound. It’s a shame he will probably have to be replaced permanently.

    • Gipson

      A great performer, too. Always smiling, mugging at the audience, lookin’ like he’s having a blast. He never says anything, but he definitely adds to the show (beyond playing, obviously).

    • Howie

      I don’t really like/listen to C&C, so i can’t say a single thing about his bass-playing abilities, but this shit is sad regardless of his musical talent. Dude obviously has some demons, the fact that he would go to such lengths to get his fix shows he is pretty obviously in a real bad place. Hopefully he can get himself help and get clean.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Dan-Roshin-Wolfson/557092638 Dan Roshin Wolfson

    might as well get a bag of dope, pussy

  • kzr750r1

    Slap an L on his forhead call it a day. Next!

  • Ray Peterson212

    AHAHAh good riddance, maybe this shit band will break up and stop infecting our eyes with such garbage

    • Paul

      You lose.

    • Fred Durst

      You mean “ears” not “eyes” i think…

    • stu1

      Jesus, you are a mongoloid.

  • msv81

    This guy is a moron in too many ways to count. I hope he doesn’t manage to get out of this in some way (seriously, would it surprise anyone if he somehow gets a slap on the wrist because his lawyer convinces a jury that he is in fact the victim due to his addiction?). A good 10-20 years of being assjacked in prison should teach Mr. Genius here a lesson.

    • Alex

      msv81 < dumbass

  • Smuycknuts

    lol oxycodone is fun, but it’s not that fun. Just have a roadie find some fucking molly, molly cures every possible issue and you cant get arrested for stealing it.

  • Douche baggins

    …in prison.

    • Fred Durst

      “Theyre trying to build a prison…”

  • Brrrt

    “MetalSucks.net is for informational purposes only and not for the purpose of providing advice for narcotics thefts. You should contact your attorney to obtain counsel with respect to any particular drug robbery or burglary. Use of and access to MetalSucks.net or any of the links contained within the site imply no advisory relationship between MetalSucks.net and the jonesing viewer. The opinions expressed at or through MetalSucks.net are the opinions of the individual author and may not reflect the opinions of the publication or any advertiser.”

    Hahahaha… fucking stupid America!

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Izeovasis/165678580151365 Jamison

      my favorite part of the article too.

  • Big Jesu Trash Can

    If he had listened to Alf and the Muppet babies, he wouldn’t be in this mess.

    • BASSQUATCH

      If he had listened to Alf, he would have been convinced to steal some cats from a pet store

      • tingdurr

        + Zillions

  • Douche baggins

    Easy with the stupid America business. Obese America is more fitting.

  • unsportsmanlike

    No sympathy for junkies! NONE!

    • Nasum

      There are many reasons why people get addicted to drugs, many, if not most of which are entirely out of their hands. Try not to be an unsympathetic douchebag, read their stories and put yourself in their position, and then the road to addiction will look much more logical.

      I’m not trying to relieve addicts of their responsibility or something, but you have to be in a really dark place to pull shit like this off.

  • Hetal

    Would’ve been better if he got arrested onstage at his gig (I’m sure armed robbery is a serious enough crime to justify storming a set to arrest the guy), since that’s where he fled in the taxi cab.

  • drunksteve

    I would have to be on drugs to listen to that band as well.

  • oxycontin Blues

    I was hooked on Oxy, and the withdrawals suck! make you crazy enough to do this shit. Dudes got a serious problem, & some seriously shitty time ahead with withdrawls in Prison. That’s How I had to kick and it sucks, because they don’t care how much pain you in. Hopefully he snuck some in through the poop shoot, or his life is gonna suck really bad the next few months.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/John-Schwarz/623112614 John Schwarz

    this band sucked ass anyway.

  • Otis

    Cannot believe I’m the first person to point this out. He needed to be high in order to stand that their vocalist sounds like a 5 year old girl in labor. I’d rob a drugstore too if I had to listen to a man sing like he is the Queensryche singer on helium.

  • Paul

    i’m allergic to oxy, took it once (after i broke my back and had surgery to clean out scar tissue) and i tripped balls for like 6 hours and got horribly itchy i thought i was tripping i itched so bad. Still have the rest of that bottle too, he coulda just asked *shrug*