Last week, we launched our third annual “Run MetalSucks for a Day” contest, in which we challenged you, our beloved readers, to tell us why we suck for a chance to take over the site on Friday, September 23. As always, we got some really funny answers, and now we’ve narrowed it down to six finalists. In alphabetical order, they are Blacky, The Flying Scotsman, Justin Gosnell, HessianHunter, Tim, and Vakarm.

What happens next is up to you guys! You can read all the finalists’ entries after the jump; then, anytime between now and  midnight EST on Friday, September 16, vote for who you think should take over MetalSucks for a day. We’ll announce the winner on Saturday, September 17, and then it’s up to that winner to, y’know, do our job for us for twenty-four hours.

Here’s the ballot and the finalists’ entries… good luck to you all!

-Axl & Vince

Finalists’ entries, in alphabetical order:

Blacky

I need the opportunity so I can provide for Billy Milano, He’s carrying My Baby.

No really!  He’s been carrying It around in His arms for nine months.

If I don’t provide for Him, He says He’s going to eat it!  HELP!!!!

The Flying Scotsman

The reasons why this site and you guys (Vince & Axl) are award winning fellators are so multitudinous it is remarkable. So, a very partial list:

- It’s quite obvious that you both spend far too much time picking seeds & shake out of each others ubiquitous hipster beards that it has escaped you that your site has turned into the seminal portal of shit Metal on the web.

- While on your way to hang out with the scensters in Williamsburg you obviously spend an inordinate amount of time listening to any talentless “core” band you can, and then think anyone gives a shit about it.

- On a tediously more frequent occurrence you surrender a page of the site to the inane and snorefest scribblings of Sergeant D, and seem incapable of realizing that not only is his “ironic” trolling coma inducing, but that he ostensibly writes the same post Every. Single. Time.

- You have long since abandoned any sense of objectivity by allowing musicians space on your site, and therefore feel the need to then suck on those musicians band’s cocks until your aforementioned beards are covered in their disease infected jizz. I E. Your stroking of Eyal has blinded you to the fact Daath are a shit band who are laughable live.

- Your knee pads are worn out from sucking so much bad musical schlong that you leave the only non-cursory discussions of good Metal to the criminally limited space you give to Grim Kim, Sammy, Satan and Corey.

- While interviewing and talking about Jason Suecof, you’ve avoided a full post about the brilliant Crotchduster and instead chose to write posts about the cliched, overwrought and drivel of Dethklok & Metapocalypse; a cartoon whose humor lasted 30 seconds into the first episode.

- Finally, you’ve eschewed any good promotion of Black Metal unless it comes from fellow hirsute Brooklynites or someone in a cabin in a Northwest forest (not that they are necessarily bad), but that has come at the expense of other tremendous BM acts who aren’t as concerned on whether Brooklyn Vegan shoots their load over them.

Succinctly: you suck!

Justin Gosnell

You know, it really gets old reading the same uninspired insults in this comment section as well as every other comment section in any story you run seeing “Metalsucks cause you guys suck!! hahaha” or “Metalsucks cause you guys are lame!! hahahaha” and everything else you could possibly imagine that some dipshit wrote.  When I try to picture these people in my mind who come up with this shit all I can see is some ICP fan from the midwest that was born under powerlines to a mother and father that are raging alcoholics.  A pathetic 36 year old mutant walking around in an oversized Korn t-shirt and those horrendous black parachute pants that have all those gay straps and plastic chains on them.  The only pussy this person has ever gotten was from his 14 year old sister..buuuttt…you can’t really blame him for that-it’s not his fault that his sister ended up being the only girl in the “park” born with both eyes facing forward-a total “trailer trophy” if you will.

You know, this HAS been something I’ve always pondered….

How the fuck IS the midwest still always stuck 10 years behind the east and west coast in both fashion, music, TV, movies, and just pop culture in general-or even the rest of the world for that matter?!  I’m speaking from experience here too-I’ve done extensive touring and just traveling in general and once you get a few states in on either side of the country everyone starts looking like extras from “The Hills Have Eyes”.  I was in Kentucky last week and the movie theatre was premiering “The Matrix” and “Follow The Leader” was in the new release section at the local Sam Goody!  Fucking Circuit City even had a sale on these new top of the line tube TV’s?!??!  What the fuck is up with that?!

Now I could totally understand this happening pre-2000′s but it boggles my mind now.  The internet offers world-wide connectivity in an instant!  I remember back in the day when America was seen as the icon and innovator for fashion and music.  I used to think it was funny when I was rocking my Jnco jeans in 98 and I’d see news footage of people in Mexico proudly rocking stonewashed jean jackets (and matching pants of course) and silk shirts like it was 88.  But now it’s all on a level playing field and you can only hold the “we did it before anyone else does it” claim for about 5 minutes because if Lady Gaga wears some cutting edge new diamond cut nipple tassel on the VMAs moments later a starving child in Uganda is walking the streets wearing a counterfeit version of it.  THAT’S the power of the internet!  But no….not the midwest.  I’ll never get it.  It’s like the land of misfit toys or something…

So now that I’ve said that I guess I’ll move on to why you guys “suck”.  You see, I wasn’t going to even attempt to enter this pathetic excuse for a contest but after seeing this completely unfunny horseshit everyone else posted coupled with my growing distaste for this site I figured I might as well give it a go because like they say, don’t bitch about it if you’re not going to do anything to change it!

First I took some time and pondered a little bit about why people take the obvious and easiest way out by utilizing the “suck” in your name and relate it to you blowing this person or that band or whatever-but then it dawned on me why.  It’s not because you do suck…it’s because of how epic your sucking skills actually are.  You do it like heros!!  LIKE FUCKING HEROS!!!  You just take all these shitty bands and employees at Spotify and engulf their cocks like it’s your last meal request before being put to death after a 20 years stint on death row or like you’re Jesus dining at the last fucking supper!  It’s as if their dick is a live grenade and your mouth is that one in a million heroic soldier that without a millisecond of hesitation just dives right on top of it.

Then you always shit on bands for their crappy album artwork.  You totally should-only if yours is amazing though!  But yours fucking sucks.  Your website design looks like it was crafted in MS Paint and come on-your fucking logo is a total rip of the Pantera font and both of your shirts you sell completely rip off two of the most revered albums of all-time!  Yeah I know I know-you’re “paying homage” but we both know that’s bullshit.  The reality is you couldn’t come up with anything original and uniquely your own so you took the easy way out aping other peoples ORIGINAL shit.  And you have the nerve to pick on other peoples artwork and fonts they use?!  My hope is that one day a lawyer gets a ahold of you and your site goes down faster than Axel Posenberg does on that 10 year old boy in Design The Skyline.

The next thing that’s obviously going to shit on here is the spelling/grammatical errors in your posts.  In fact, I’m pretty sure that you’ve stooped to hiring these same midwestern mongoloids that disgrace your comments section with their horrendous spelling errors to do your proofreading for you, yeah??  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not claiming to be some English teacher and mine might not be totally perfect but I also don’t run a website where it’s my job to get it right.  You do-and you fucking suck at it.  I’ve read shit that was easier to understand coming from an inner city youth’s essay he wrote in his kindergarten year of summer school.

You may think I’m jaded.  Sure, you wouldn’t post anything about my own band when I asked but so have countless other sites.  I NEVER have taken it personally nor would I.  I will say it’s pretty laughable that you said it wasn’t really the kind of music you guys post about as it’s not heavy enough or whatever only to follow that up by posting about bands such as Dredg and A Perfect Circle in the coming days.  All that only further proved how much you dumbasses contradict yourselves all the time on this shitty site.  In hindsight I’m so glad you didn’t though because anything you guys vouch for basically stamps it as being unlistenable tripe and I’d never want my band seen in that light.

In closing I assure anyone reading this if I get to run the site for a day it will surpass anything these assholes will ever do with it.  I will publicly fucking OWN these morons and it’ll be the single greatest day in Metalsucks history!!!  I’ll post articles on all the bands out there today that ARE amazing and worthy of your time that they seem to just completely overlook whilst spamming article after article on atrocities such as I Wrestled A Squirrel Once or whatever that unlistenable shit is.  I’ll even post shit that I bet these douchebags wouldn’t have the balls to put on their site.

I mean come on, I’m the same guy that made a zoomed in picture of my asshole the wallpaper on Alana from Winds Of Plagues iPhone, rented a Ferrari and broke it on tour in Vegas, owned Oceano by showing them a sculpture I crafted out of my dick and balls, convinced my old bands drummer one day on tour to get a tattoo of bigfoot fucking a bear in the ass with a gerbil holding a bottle of hot sauce it poured in it’s eyes, lit off a huge pile of firecrackers in Periphery’s band van at 4am while we were driving down a major highway just to wake them all up, upperdecked the toilet in a club that didn’t pay my old band the money they promised then right before we left covered the owners car in my bands bumper stickers, and lastly hung out at Adam Fucking Jones’ house while watching Wrestlemania 27!  I could go on and on…those are just a few small reasons why I should be the guy that gets to make this website cool for at least one day in it’s existence.

I proclaim that there is none more worthy than I and I promise not to let anyone down.

Show your support and let’s fucking do this.  Now.

Sincerely,

Justin Gosnell

HessianHunter

You fucking suck, MetalSucks. You post at regular intervals throughout the day, making me waste shit-tons of time at work. It probably takes an average of 5 minutes to read/listen to each post, and because I’m a pathetic loser I will wait in anticipation from three minutes before the post is supposed to go up. This means you waste 16 of my minutes every hour of every weekday, which equals nearly two hours of my workday gone to reading about obscure and nerdy bands like Animals as Leaders and Behold… The Arctopus, knowledge of which will absolutely never get me laid. Wasting all this time at work means I don’t get my shit done on time and that every so often a coworker will look at my computer screen and ask why the fuck I’m listening to a stream of a band called Cannabis Corpse or giggling at a picture of Lars Ulrich’s tiny Danish dick. This all leads to me never having any hope of a promotion, and therefore making more money, thus further assuring I will never get laid. To conclude, you suck because you are a huge, HUGE fucking cockblock. Way to be, douchebags.

Let me run this site for a day and I will endow your readers with knowledge of bands that actually stand a chance of getting them laid. I waste all my time at work dredging through the internet to find info on bands from all genres that totally rule, and some of them are actually not female-repellent, unlike Behold… The Arctopus. I will never get the chance to show any women these bands because I am a lonely, bitter misanthrope, but I figure someone should benefit from my squandered opportunities and wasted youth.

I will also school all of you jackasses on why Lars Ulrich is a criminally underrated drummer, even though his penis looks like a proboscis monkey fetus with an afro. Your call, assholes.

Tim

Every Friday Axl and Vince show up at the place where I bartend, and each Friday somehow becomes the worst day of my life, every week topping the last. They show up in their IWABO shirts and camo shorts and make my life hell. I’ve gone past the point where I can tell if they’re trolling or not; I simply cannot fathom any sane man doing the things they’ve done, and I cannot believe that society allows them to go free if they act like this literally anywhere else. I can’t throw them out (my boss is Axl’s sister), so I just have to sit there and watch. And dodge sometimes. And mop up two or three times a night. Anyway, here’s what happened last week:

I opened around noon, like I always do. I was looking forward to my usual six hour period of peace, so imagine my surprise when I looked up at 3:30 to see those insufferable douchebags come sauntering through the door. They sat down on either side of a woman at the bar who looked like she’d spent the last 30 years trying her hardest to make sure Dino Cazares never went hungry again, and stared at her. She looked over at Vince, and said “Can I help you young man?” Vince fell off his stool, eyes full of some unspeakable mix of fear and lust that was so terrible it made me forget what puppies are. Axl spun her towards him with an almost inhuman suddenness, and screamed “I’M SORRY MISS, WHAT MY FRIEND MEANS TO SAY IS THAT HE DESIRES AND IS PREPARED TO TAKE YOUR VIRGINITY!”

As she ran screaming from the bar, I found in my apathy the knowledge that they’d finally killed everything good inside me. I was frightened by the possibility that I had become like them, and spent the rest of that day in a numb haze; I’ve never been closer to sleep while waking, and when I finally snapped back to reality at 12:30, I realized I had been drugged. I wondered at why I felt surprised, but only for a moment, because “Wow, I’m surprised” doesn’t really stand up to “Wow, I’m tied down and there’s blood all over the walls.” I looked around to try and get my bearings; rows of archaic computers, dusty shelves, blood and feces everywhere, and that’s when I saw it. I immediately knew where I was, and I screamed. And screamed. And screamed. The object was a stuffed mallard duck.

I was in The Mansion. Their Mansion.  I heard the monkeys begin to hoot and chant in the distance, and I prayed that Axl and Vince had remembered to lock the cage. Last time this happened I had to mace four of the little beasts to get free, but I grew more concerned when I saw that the ropes were tied this time, and my mace was gone; they were learning. It took me three hours to get free and kill my way out of there, using only the rusty knives and needles that litter the mansion floor as weapons. I got back to the bar at 3:55, where I was promptly fired for leaving the bar unattended. I could say that now I am free of them, but that will never be true.  Always I will see them… their eyes open too wide, their faces straining smiles as though to create an illusion of emotion they did not understand, the smell of meth hanging around them like a shroud… all of it will haunt me until I die.

That is why I think Axl & Vince suck.

Vakarm

You guys suck tranny penis, and here’s why:

-You guys keep on bitching about Varg Vikernes yet you keep on giving him coverage. Practice what you preach and stop giving that little pissant attention.
-Your “Power Metal Party” column is absolutely terrible because the bands you feature are crap. Vulvagun?? Come on guys there are WAY better power metal bands than that out there (that aren’t Rhapsody (of fire, or whatever the shit))
-Your site features more terrible music to us than Blabbermouth. I had no idea bands called Attack! Attack! or Motionless in White existed before you guys showed them. Fuck you
-If i see one more post about ICP, i will drive down to NYC and slap your childhood rabbi with a porkchop. And then , just to be a dick, i will tattoo “Abbath was here” on his forehead just so he can’t be buried in a jewish cemetery
- You’ve never handed over the reins of Metalsucks to Sergeant D for a day, especially because he is clearly the most popular writer on this ass-wipe worthy of a blog
- You have more pictures of ugly mofos showing their dicks than girls showing boobs. Instead you refer your readers to Evan Seinfeld-Tera Patrick porn. Have you actually seen that guy naked? It’s the single most unpleasant thing ever and you should all go to hell for bringing this to our attention.
-Those few times you had a porn star write a column….that was an all time low, guys. I actually thought Sergeant D was behind it for some time.

Keep up the good work