Ask Oderus

ASK ODERUS: ODERUS URUNGUS MAN-HANDLES ANOTHER ROUND OF YOUR STUPID QUESTIONS!

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Ye ask, and ye shall receive; you asked Gwar’s Oderus Urungus another round of questions of great first-world significance, and now everyone’s favorite Cuttlefish of Cthulhu-donning intergalactic metaller is back with his answers.

1)     When you die, are you to be buried in a KISS kasket?

Fuck no! And learn how to spell. From now on, misspell something? No answer! Wait, I already did. Answer your stupid question, I mean, not misspell… although I am allowed to fucking misspell whatever I fucking feel like! You know why? Because I can’t spell! But this whole thing is pointless, being immortal, like the guys from Highlander, well, not the gay ones, the Kurgan was more my style. I heard that they are remaking The Thing, which was a remake of a remake to begin with. It was a fucking great remake, so I am sure they will fuck this one up, unless they pile in a ton of crappy CG, in which case it will suck even more.

2)     Who would win in a fight– Sonic the Hedgehog or the Cuttlefish of Cthulu?

My cock would rape the jaw off of that woodland pest and then split his pathetic rump with the sheer force of me achieving a semi-chub. The sad thing is that he would love it. Sad for me, as I would appreciate him not enjoying being raped to death. But I do what I do, and I do it well, and they beg for violent rape. Sometimes I think I torture you the most when I do absolutely nothing, or let my personal butt-boy, Dave Brockie, put out solo albums. Which is worse? Only my hairdresser knows for sure, and I don’t have one.

3)     How many g of (sawdust of Fe) will react when added to 50ml 20% HCl solution which has density of 1,1g/cm3 ?

These should be the lyrics to a new metal band that will do the same thing for scientific terminology that Carcass did for pathology. But, unlike Carcass, that band would suck.

I really liked Carcass until I found out the lead singer used hair extensions. Normally I don’t have a problem with hair extensions, as long as I am pulling them out in great bloody clods. I just don’t get it… their music rocks with or without hair… why can’t more of these bands just get up on stage and be themselves?

4)     I told a co worker I was going to “murder you and have my way with your dismembered corpse” she giggled and called me a dirty boy. Does that mean yes?

That she wants to fuck you. Women don’t say things like that unless they are planning on fucking you, unless they are teasing, trifling whores, or work at strip clubs. Fuck her, and remember when a woman says no, she means yes, unless she says yes, which means no, unless she is crying, which means it’s funny.

Lately I have been enjoying gouging holes in people with fence post digging tools. This creates a bloody pothole that fits my cock a little better. But I don’t fuck it, I take a dump into it, sew it up, and toss it in the lava-oven for an hour. Delightful! But my mother never loved me.

5)     Are you upset that Five Finger Death Punch stole the name of your favorite sex act?

I don’t even know what that is, I have so many… Fishfuck? Dog-rape? Anal-bestial necrotic butt-sex (smeared with vomit)? I really don’t care about anything they do, they are incapable of stealing anything from me and completely suck. Oh yes, and I have never heard a song or seen a show by them. I am going to rape them, though. I’d like to feel that Five Fingered Death Punch on my Cuttlefish. Maybe that would knock off the layers of calcified shit that encase my cock like some kind of turd-rubber. But I doubt it, seeing as the blow would be delivered by the limp wrist of a gay man who is in a band with a stupid name.

6)     I just got married.  my wife wants to have a baby.  and she wants me to stop sleeping with other girls.  what to do?

Don’t get married, you dumbshit!

7)     What is the female genetalia called on Scumdoggia?

I don’t know! I don’t know anything about female sexual organs, nor do I care to, except for perhaps the extensive damage I cause them after my lacerating love-lesions have fully wrecked the rectum. Then, and only then, will I date this woman.

8)     How many pushups can you do with the Cuttlefish of Cthulhu?

I really don’t know, he doesn’t like to work-out! And that works for me, because I don’t want to work out either, or practice, or do anything other than eat, drink, fuck and fight. I know how many “pull-ups” I can do with it, or maybe “pull-offs” is a better description. If so, it is an infinite number.

9)     What can of food should i eat to get me to ejaculate the amount of sperm you use in your shows?

That’s simple… sperm! However it won’t be enough to merely suck off your friends, the football team, and every gay ballet dancer within 100 miles. That’s pretty much every ballet dancer within 100 miles. No, you can get away with not having to suck off any men, as long as you don’t mind sucking off a cow, and not through the udder (that’s milk), and also about 300 of them.

There is actually a surgical procedure pioneered by Sly Stallone where a spunk-pump is inserted into the jiz-canal and the other to thirty or forty sumo-wrestlers. This is part of their ancient training ritual, except for all the other stuff I just made up. Honestly, it’s very expensive, so you should just start sucking cocks. Play your cards right and you might just be able to make some money at it! Just take out your retainer first.

Man, these answers are pretty filthy this time… but they are answers to YOUR questions… so what does that say about YOU?

10)  do you ever get tired of getting your ass kissed by sites like these? i mean gor-gor has kinda ran its course dont u think? Heres the real question when are u gonna write another good song?

I wasn’t aware I had written ANY good ones… which ones were good? And oh yeah, the continued and awesome support this site has given us over the years is definitely “ass-kissing”, and no, I can’t stand it a second longer… and as far as Gor-Gor… well, you are right there too! A giant dinosaur coming out onstage, biting off the Pope’s head, and then finally being driven back to hell beneath a flurry of sword blows…yeah, definitely over… completely over.

What kind of band are you in? I am thinking since you are so fucking smart that you can just take over for me… and then as soon as you realize what a complete ass you are, you can put a bullet through that worthless brain (if you can hit it) and attached mouth that you have been making a fool out of yourself and embarrassing your family with for all of these years. Worm.

11)  impolding children or exploding midgets? Choose

You know, sometimes I actually answer rude questions like this, just to feel what it would be like to be ordered about. However, now is not one of those times, However, I will completely ignore what I just said and answer the question anyway. I will however not choose, I demand imploding midget children who then explode. I hope this helps, and also for your rudeness I would also ask you to go fuck yourself, unless of course I suspect that your penis, despite years of suction treatment, actually has a negative length. So the only way to fuck yourself would be to install a vagina inside you, but I see also how it could be argued that you were fucking yourself all the time. Ah, life’s mysteries!

12)  How do you feel about your contribution to Devin Townsend’s latest disc, Deconstruction? Were you happy with the results, and the time spent recording it?

Hell yeah! Devin is an amazing artist who has supported GWAR for years and this is actually the second time that I have contributed to one of his projects, the first one being a track I did for him on a Strapping Young Lad song. I was very happy with the results and the time I spent recording it, which took about three minutes. The only thing I didn’t like was the blowjob I received in payment; Devin enjoyed giving it to me far too much, and his false teeth kept getting caught on my scrotal bulge. Fucking Canadians!

How do you feel about doing guest lines in general?

Depends on who the band is, how little work I have to do, and how many sexual favors I receive in return. But generally I will take any chance I get to whore myself for the sake of our fans and my insatiable lust… why else would I have done Red Eye for 14 episodes?

13)  This is an age old question (3 years old), which is worse?
a. Feeding your daughter your own cum while you raise her, or
b. Having your son feed your daughter his cum while your raising her

I really don’t see how either one is “worse”, I mean they are both such intensely pleasurable experiences (for me anyway) there is no way to put one above the other. Considering that the entire human race are my children, I feed my daughter her dad’s cum every time we play a show, and usually do so again right after the show behind the garbage cans out back of the club.

14)  If you were a London rioter, what would you burn down and loot?

I would burn down the Queen, of course; something about setting fire to old people is intensely hilarious to me. As far as looting her, I suppose the gold fillings I knock out of her shit-filled mouthhole could be traded for crack, or crumpets, or whatever the fuck it is that people from London riot over.

15)  What is your favorite strain of weed?

Weed is the only drug I don’t do, and for precisely the reason you ask… there are so many fucking different names for weed I can’t keep it straight, especially after smoking some of it. Last time I smoked weed before I played, I was so wasted that all I was able to do was wander out on stage and mumble a bunch of nonsense while occasionally knocking the shit out of whoever was stupid enough to get within sword’s reach. Strange thing is that my band mates said it was the best show I had delivered since the gig that sank Atlantis.

But don’t let my dis-interest in weed or all the wacky names they have for it stop you from giving us tons of loco-weed next time we come to town. The slaves love that shit!

16)  Hey I know you’re a big fan. Have you checked out Endgame yet? Thoughts?

You know I’m a big fan of… what? Endgame? Is that a band? Here, let me Google it… o.k., it’s a movie… it’s got William Hurt in it. I really liked Altered States a lot but really haven’t seen him in anything since that I gave half a shit about… but half an Oderus shit is worth quite a bit… in fact the last half shit that I sold on ebay fetched me an astounding 20 bucks. But back to the movie, which I haven’t seen and don’t really know anything about, I am not about to let an annoying thing like the facts get in the way of me having an informed opinion, which I do not.  So I’d have to say… ummm… next question!

17)  Blister. My penis. Pop?

Question. Stupid. Next.

18)  are you still going to watch Two and a Half Men now that Charlie Sheen is no longer on the show?

Considering that I never watched it even when he was on the show, I guess not. But that idiot from “punked”  is his replacement? I think I might watch it then, as long as the first and only episode featured the entire cast and crew being torn apart by ravenous War-Pigs. Hopefully my new show, “Holliston,” airing this spring on FEARnet, will set a new standard for episode comedy, and everything else on TV with the possible exception of “Squidbillies” will be cancelled immediately, paving the way for GWARtv and the complete and total domination of the idiot box by the most idiotic band in the history of idiots! I mean, c’mon… Trueblood? Biker werewolves? Hell, even Breaking Bad is starting to suck! The time for GWAR to take over TV and movies is now, and I am not just talking about 24-7 gay-necro-bestial-butt-sex pay-per-view. Oh, and I don’t own a TV, I just know that I am fucking sick to fucking death of Ashton K. and somebody needs to “punk” him, preferably by stripping off all the skin from his body and making his has-had-so-much-botox-injected- into-her-face-that-she-has-single-handedly-made-puffer-fish-extinct-wife eat it, without the aid of a glass of water. I hope that answers your question. No, no I don’t.

19) Do you believe in life after love? Sex?

Do I look like Cher? Sure, but… no? No, I believe in love after life, meaning necrophilia. Same with sex. Having sex with the dead means never having to say you’re sorry, in fact it means never having to say anything unless you enjoy talking to yourself. Which is fine, I mean, if we weren’t supposed to talk to ourselves then we wouldn’t have two ears. Does that make sense? Good, because it seems like complete gibberish to me.

20)  Which cryptid (monsters like Sasquatch, chupacabra, Mongolian death worm, etc…) is your favorite?

Ooooo that’s a good one, as a lot of these guys are close personal friends of mine. I mean, Bigfoot is obviously real, as he appears on that beef jerky commercial. But my personal favorite is the thing pictured below… it was supposedly shot by an explorer named Francois de Loys in South America in 1920 after a group of them attacked the party. I don’t know what the fuck it is, but he sure is a good-looking fellow, and he’s got a cock that looks like a freaking turnip. So I would have to say that “Turnip-Cock” is my fave!

Most of these creatures go to great lengths to not be seen by you humans, and I can tell you that if you did see them, you would wish that you hadn’t.

Well, that’s it for another round of Ask Oderus! Catch us on tour this fall with Every Time I Die,  Warbeast, and GHOUL. And be on the lookout for HOLLISTON, premiering this Spring on FEARnet. Hail metal, and HAIL GWAR! 

– Oderus

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