People all around the world love the nature-defying, super power’d MetalSucks Mansion Monkeys. And really, aside from poop being flung around wildly, what’s not to love?

Why even this past Summer Hollywood unveiled its long in-the-works movie adaptation of the story of that one time Higgins organized a simian mutiny in San Francisco (starring James Franco as a young Kip Wingerschmidt and John Lithgow as crotchety, forgetful ol’ Axl Rosenberg):

And some of you may remember The Kids In The Hall’s parody of Vince Neilstein’s rampant threats to unleash the monkeys on the unsuspecting public:

But every once in a while one of our mega-intelligent fusion-lovin’ apes gets a little too big for his/her britches, and an example must be made before the rest follow in rebellious suit.  We started calling it “ironing the monkey” — the MS version of branding your cattle, and unsurprisingly it’s quite effective.

Here’s what you do: let an insignia-clad iron heat up to peak temperature, drag a misbehaving monkey out into the middle of the arena (cuz yeah of course we have a bona fide arena in the Mansion) whilst the others watch on in sheer panic and terror, and brand the little fucker on his/her hairy bum…  Our iron has a big protruding “MS” protruding on it, so if you see that stamped on the ass of a monkey you’re sodomizing, you know where to return the beast after you’ve finished.

We got the idea from this band, which very well may have gotten the idea for its name from this movie:

Circle of life.

-KW