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EUGENE S. ROBINSON FROM OXBOW’S TOP TEN RECORDS FOR MAKING EVERYBODY IN THE ROOM A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE

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As you may be aware, MetalSucks recently invited  musicians from across the vast spectrum of the metalsphere to tell us what their favorite albums of 2011 have been. But the always-unique Eugene S. Robinson of Oxbow fame turned in a list of a somewhat different nature. The silver lining is, his list is so great that we opted to run it anyway! And so please enjoy Mr. Robinson’s list of “Top Ten Records for Making Everybody in the Room Uncomfortable…”

10. Sylvia, Pillow Talk — Sure, she started Sugarhill Records, which was on the map for giving birth to what Morrissey (more on him later) would call “pop thuggery” in the form of hip hop, and sure, she just died, but nothing says “douche chills” like her making fuck noises on this record. For like twenty minutes. Complete with baby talk and the lyric, “What I’m teaching you tonight, boy, you never learned in school.” In fact, any song with fuck noises in it gets on this list. Think I’m a prude? Try playing this shit when your mom’s around. Also, why does heavy metal, outside of Black Flag’s Slip It In, have so little simulated sex going on in it?

9. Skrewdriver, White Power — First you have to start off by telling people how you think Skrewdriver were “misunderstood.” Then you have to sing all of the lyrics to this song while it’s playing [“HAVE THEY GOT THE WHITE MAN ON THE RUN?!?!?”]. At the top of your lungs. Then tell everyone you were just kidding.

8. The Swans, Raping a Slave –For years I thought this song was called “Raping a Dead Slave.” Yes. I know. I improved on what was already a creep crawl galore wherein the title leaves very little to surprise you. How uncomfortable you ask? So much so that I had to stop having sex last time I had sex to this and turn it off. Think about that for a second. Eugene from Oxbow was too creeped out to continue fucking to a song he thought was called “Raping a Dead Slave.” Volumes, I tell you. This speaks VOLUMES.

7. The Red Hot Chili Peppers, anything by them at all — Because if I have to see Anthony Kiedis’ played out handjive shit even ONCE more, I will, well, rape a dead slave or something.

6. Morrissey, Your Arsenal — And not the football team, either. Between mewling about how tough it is to be a closeted gay man and Bengali’s in platforms, Morrissey managed to mix quasi-racism, a large skinhead named Jake who accompanied him everywhere, and man on man action into one long melange of fury so repressed that if you put this music on people figure it’s just a cry for help.

5. Black Flag, Slip It In — Henry Rollins “simulating” sex? Need more be said?

4. The Stranglers, Bring on the Nubiles — Once I was working on some MTV television show, and the director had just had a kid, and I said to him, “Wow…you just had a kid? Man. I like kids. I don’t know why… they’re just kind of, I don’t know… SEXY.” And while I was laughing like hell at my little joke, he looked like he wanted to murder me. Some people have no sense of humor, I swear to God.

3. Oxbow, Babydoll — “Moving my hands across her throat. Like I was playing a fucking piccolo.” Interrupted by the periodic screaming of the woman’s name “Ruby,” which also happens to be my daughter’s name. Yeah. Makes you want to call child protective services.

2. The Meatmen, 1 Down 3 to Go — A midwestern salute to John Lennon just having been shot. “No more slopehead wife to fuck?” Isn’t it curious that that which makes us feel the most uncomfortable is race/sex? I mean, sex, yeah, sure. But is it really a secret that we hate each other for the most threadbare of reasons?

1. The Mentors, Sleep Bandit — Extolling the joys of date rape? Apparently this is what you have to do to get on the list at Number 1.

-Eugene S. Robinson

Stay up-to-date on all things Oxbow by visiting the band’s official website.

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