“WHERE CELTIC FROST FAILED, I WILL SUCCEED.”
A reader sent us a link to this classified ad, in which some dude is looking for some other dudes to start a band with him. And the whole thing is so hilarious, I almost don’t know where to begin. So I’m just going to cut and past the entire thing and add my own thoughts in bold. Here we go:
“Ex-Mudslide Who? Frontman Why is “frontman” capitalized? the great How great can you be if no one has ever heard of you? Steve Thunderbolt seeks a talented bassist and drummer to form a new heavy metal band. I play rhythm and lead guitar and sing. I play thrash, black, and glam metal. Certainly an interesting combination of genres… The only band in the history of heavy metal who has ever attempted this was Celtic Frost. Uhh… It failed because they were too much glam and not enough black and thrash metal. Oh, THAT’S why Celtic Frost ‘failed.’ Someone get me Tom G. Warrior on the phone, STAT! He’s gonna wanna hear this! I am the other way around, in that I have more black and thrash metal songs than I do glam songs, PHEW! but I do have blonde hair so I have a glam image. Because blonde hair is all it takes to be glam. I mean, just look at that picture of Mr. Thunderbolt at the top of this article. Clearly, the dude is one step away from being the latest addition to one of the versions of L.A. Guns! I have a 12 track recorder Welcome to 1991! and have made numerous cds for Mudslide including “Secret Right to Rock and Roll Reloaded,” “Dragonfly of Passion,” “Hollywood and Vine,” “Columbia City Theater Live,” “Studio 7 Live,” “The Central Saloon Live 1 and 2,” “Station 56 Live,” “Chai House Live,” “Colortura,” “Merkava,” “Dark Prophet,” and our last album, “In My Final Hours.” Mudslide made TWELVE albums, at least five of which were live, which we know because the band helpully included the word ‘live’ in the title. I think I need a drink. I have a lot of gigging experience Obviously! You’re the great Steve Thunderbolt! You made five live albums! and have my own amps and equipment. Please be over 21 and under 45. Did FiveFinger Death Punch write this ad? Alcohol and drugs are fine except for heroin and crack, so if you are into heroin or crack please do not respond to this ad. But if you drink moonshine you made in your toilet or do crystal meth, you’re good to go! All races are welcome except for blacks, UHH… so if you are black, pleae do not respond to this ad. Thanks for clearing that up. When you said “except for blacks,” I thought, “Well, I’m black, but I bet I can still respond to this ad because I’m 44 and don’t do heroin or crack.” I am not racist, Yes you are. it is a drug issue Holy shit THAT IS SO RACIST and a safety issue Holy shit DUDE YOU ARE TOTALLY A RACIST, WHAT DO YOU THINK “RACIST” MEANS? and I cannot have black people at my house. DEAR GOD, PLEASE SEND AN ARMY OF BLACK PEOPLE TO THIS DUDE’S HOUSE IMMEDIATELY. I live in Issaquah and use my house as a practice space. So if you wanna do something that’s only been attempted once before in the entire history of music, And then he includes his contact info which I’m not going to include on MetalSucks, but you can easily find here. Belive me, where Celtic Frost failed, I will succeed.”
And in addition to the photo you see above, he has also included the below pic, so that all potential members know there bishes heart Steve Thunderbolt, and that if you join his band, bishes will heart you, too:
Make sure you check out Mr. Thunderbolt’s full ad, because he also includes some samples of his music, which, I shouldn’t even have to tell you, is some truly next-level, genius shit.