Green Eggs and Slam

SERGEANT D’S GUIDE TO BEING AN ELITE-TIER THRASH FAN

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Many people here on MetalSucks think I don’t like metal, but that is simply not true. I love metal! It’s just that I have been listening to it for twenty years and have extremely advanced-level taste, so I don’t just fap over whatever shitty shit that I am “supposed to” like according to the IMN rulebook. Since I have been listening to metal longer than many of you have been alive, I figured you could use some pointers on what you should and shouldn’t like. And with it being so trendy these days, I figured I would discuss my first love: THRASH (or metal de thrashe, for all the brown people in the house). Feel free to ignore my advice, but you’ll only be cheating yourself. It’s your choice: swallow your pride, or look like a poser by listening to the wrong bands!

First, the shitty bands you should avoid, and then the good stuff: in SERGEANT D’S GUIDE TO ELITE-TIER THRASH after the break!!

An apple pie is only 99 cents with this? Sure, I’ll take one then.

THE BIG FOUR

Let’s just get this out of the way quickly: this shit basically sucks. Well, I guess it doesn’t suck, it’s just super entry-level and overrated. It’s essentially like someone telling you their favorite restaurant is McDonald’s. I like a Big Mac now and then, and their fries are breathtaking, but you really have to question the taste level of anyone who thinks the Golden Arches are the pinnacle of food. Along the same lines, the Big Four are really just OK at best (and in the case of Megadeth, they really only have one good song). Next!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VFaziz5vUA

ALSO-RANs AND NEVER-WEREs

And then you have your bands like Forbidden, Testament, Whiplash, and Gothic Slam, who really wanted to be one of the big four, but weren’t good enough. There are literally thousands of these bands, which you can research to your heart’s content on Classicthrash.com, but I don’t know why you would unless you are either a) a glutton for punishment or b) some tryhard who wants to get cred by reciting trivia about every awful, obscure band from 1987.

If I had a dollar for every time I talked myself into buying an album cassette by one of these bands, only to be horribly disappointed after .5 seconds of listening to it, I would have like $25 and I could buy a used copy of Disgaea 3

METALMASSACRECORE (aka speed metal/proto-thrash)

This is where you can put all the terrible, generic “chopaholic” bands that were the forgotten filler tracks on awful cassette compilations that you foolishly bought in 1988 (if you’re old) or pretend to like just because they’re old (if you’re young): Hirax, Grim Reaper, Exciter, and all those other disappointing, flaccid bands that were basically just slightly faster Judas Priest without the hooks.

You guys should try harder at being zany, and making sure everyone knows you  are ‘really into cool old bands.’ Oh wait, that would be impossible.

NEO-THRASH

COME ON SON. Get the fuck out of here with that stale, contrived bullshit; this stuff is about as cool as wearing a Napoleon Dynamite costume in 2012.

lol @ when the vocals start

BANDS WHO WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD WITH A DIFFERENT SINGER

And then we have the sad category of bands could have been sweet if not for their wack, high-pitched vocalist: Toxik, Powermad, Holy Terror, Nuclear Assault, etc. Look for this style to be the next hipster fad after the novelty of copying S.O.D. and Exodus has worn off.

Forced Entry might be the single most underrated band in all of thrash

NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL RIFFING

The IMN party line is that “Darkness Descends” is the only good Dark Angel album, but I couldn’t disagree more. IMO their later material, which is much more polished and technical, is a lot more interesting.

PROG THRASH

Now we’re getting somewhere. IMO few thrash bands have aged better than the likes of Forced Entry, Coroner and Believer. I sort of want to hate this stuff because IMNs like it so much but I can’t lie, it’s fucking sweet. The key to their longevity is that these bands actually sounded different from each other and took chances rather than just recycling shitty Slayer cliches. Also, they are actually heavy unlike all those Metalmassacorecore bands that tricked you into thinking they were brutal with their cover art or logo but were actually weaksauce (Holy Terror, I’m looking at YOU).

If I had to show someone one single video that defined thrash, it would be this one by EVILDEAD. This is basically what every wack ‘neo-thrash’ band wants to be, but can’t because they are chubby white kids from Virginia and it’s 2012, not 1988

Wasted Youth, featuring that one guy who was in Velvet Revolver

The paradox of M.O.D.’s ability to be absolutely horrible yet fucking awesome at the same time has puzzled philosophers for decades. Also, how did they never make a song about farting??? Disappointed :(

SICK CROSSOVER BANDS THAT MAKE YOU WANT 2 MOSH

I know, I know… the fans are irritating enough that it’s tempting to write off the entire crossover genre, but don’t let a few thousand bad apples spoil it for you! The truth is that as annoying as they are, I totally get why people jock (the few good) crossover bands: it’s fun as fuck, and combines the energy of hardcore with the “people who can actually play their instruments” of metal. What could be more awesome???

Century Media should get a fucking medal for signing DEMOLITION HAMMER, and you should be ashamed of yourself if you don’t consider them one of the most underappreciated thrash bands

Although they were much earlier, I’m putting POSSESSED in here because I’m not sure where else they belong. Regardless, the fact that they are so overlooked is a tragedy only rivaled by Lindsay Lohan not showing any pink when she was in Playboy #nbhnc

EXHORDER. DAT GROOVE. DAT FUCKING GUITAR TONE.

DEATHRASH

And finally we have the wave of very late 80s/early 90s bands who flirted with death metal, but in retrospect were still very much in the thrash camp. I’m completely baffled as to why Kids These Days are not firmly planted on these band’s dicks, because they really should be. Don’t be the last kid on the block to jump on the Demolition Hammer bandwagon; start now!!!

What is YOUR favorite thrash band?? Why do people jock the shitty, run of the mill bands like Exodus instead of the sweet ones like EVILDEAD?

-Sergeant D.

Sergeant D. teaches you how to not look like a poser every day at Stuff You Will Hate.

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