Grand Slams

GRAND SLAMS: GEOMETIC PRECISION

0

Grand Slams with Becoming the Archetype's Seth Hecox

I see a natural link between baseball and metal.  Both are about precision.  Glorious, geometric perfection.  They’re what I like to call mirror worlds:  on the one side, you’ve got (old) Meshuggah, mathing it out to time signature zaniness.  On the other side, you’ve got a baseball field, with perfect right angles at home plate and a perfectly symmetrical diamond formed by the bases.

These last couple weeks had a few great moments in the MLB world, which I’ll recap here.  Now is a good time to dwell on the outliers (since we’re talking math) in the baseball world.

Exhibit 1 – Jamie Moyer

This ancient hurler just became the oldest pitcher (at nearly 50 years old!) to get a victory in MLB history.  I used to want to be old and although the flame died in that area of my dream-life, I think old-man Moyer might’ve revived it, wrinkled face and all.

Exhibit 2 – Philip Humber

The White Sox might be the president’s favorite team, but they haven’t had much to celebrate recently, with the Tigers owning the AL Central last year and looking like they’ll repeat.  But Mr. Humber threw the MLB’s 21st perfect game last week.  I would say this bodes well for Humber and the ChiSox, but alas, a quick study of previous perfect game pitchers and their subsequent performance isn’t the most encouraging.

Exhibit 3 – Prince Fielder

He got a stolen base.  Hurray!  I know I talk about him a lot, but man, that’s impressive!

Exhibit 4 – The Philadelphia Phillies

Ok, I’m not freaking out like everyone else.  Mostly it’s my pessimistic nature that realizes that no matter how badly they start, the Phillies are still a good team and like straightened, swooped hair in “metal” bands, they have a habit of sticking around long after they were outdated.  I’m sure they’ll be in the playoff race but for now a losing record makes me say, TAKE THAT, YOU FIENDS!

Exhibit 5 – Matt Kemp

He promised a 40-40 season last year and ended 40-39 (40 SB, 39 HR).  This year he promised a 50-50 season.  It’s a crazy promise, but at 9 longballs through 17 games, he’s currently on track for 85 through the season.  Obviously he won’t hit 85 homers this year, but regardless, dude’s playing at an insane rate.  He only has 1 steal, but I heard a great theory about that on the interwebz:  maybe he’s going to wrap up his 50 homer promise by the All-Star break and then focus on the 50 steals.  Who knows, maybe he’ll have the greatest batting season in the history of baseball.  We’ll see!

In other news, teams are playing, at least for now, like I’d hoped they would.  The Braves are doing well, as are the Nationals.  The Rangers are crushing.  I thought the Royals would be better than this, but hopefully they’ll turn things around.  The Phillies are underperforming, as are the Red Sox.  I’d make some sarcastic remark about those silly northeasterners, except that the Yankees are still looking fine.

I’d also like to ask how you’re doing in your fantasy baseball league(s).  I’ve started off ok, but I’ve had some batters that just aren’t doing their thing yet.  Waiting for players like that to heat up can be a pain, but some people think patience is a virtue, so I guess I should practice it now and hope it pays off.

-SH

Comments
Metal Sucks Greatest Hits