Everyone's Replaceable

SUFFOKATE PART WAYS WITH GIANT EAR GAUGES

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The only thing I can ever remember about Suffokate is that their vocalist (apparently his name is Ricky Hoover) has the biggest friggin’ ear gauges I’ve ever seen — I mean holy shit look at those things — but now I won’t be able to use said singer’s disgusting life choice as an identifier for the band, ’cause Lambgoat tells me he’s left it. There’s a statement about why he split, but it was way TLDNR for me, so I’m just going to blindly speculate that he’s decided to pursue a career in professional pornographic earlobe fisting. Tell your friends! You heard it from a reliable source.

ANYWAY, I think the remaining members of Suffokate should look at this development not as a setback, but as an opportunity to better themselves. ‘Cause now they can find a singer with an even better gimmick — maybe one whose lobes are stretched far enough to fit some nice rims in there? Or, better still, they can just break-up and do something less embarrassing with their lives. Like work at Chuck E. Cheese. I dunno, just spitballing.

-AR

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