QUESTION OF THE WEEK: THE WAGES OF WUV [PRESENTED BY THE TRUTH]
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At MetalSucks, we truly love True Love. It’s true, for even in our supposedly harsh metal world love is everywhere. At our concerts, the coos of cuddling couples. In our songs, the shouted surrenders to those special someones. On our websites, the um wuniversal wespect and wefusal to wegard the wunfamliar with wanything but welcoming waffection. Ahem.
But even love can be too cynical and calculated to believe. It’s this cold-hearted careerism at the heart of today’s MetalSucks Question Of The Week, a weekly survey of our staff on a recent hot-button issue that’s nauseating our metal planet.
Fearless. Controversial. Half-baked. We give it to you straight every Friday afternoon. Straight up over the border into the land of love and Molson. Here’s this week’s question:
Inspired by the announcement of plans for a union before God of two unholy music personalities, we asked our staff the following:
What mindfreaks u most about the planned wedding of pop star Avril Lavigne and Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger?
Wat u think? The MS staff’s expert answers after the jump!
I know that the prevailing thought is “OMG two shitty pop/rock stars are getting married, lolz.” But my first reaction was, “Wow, engaged after six months? That seems like a bad idea.” It’s just another chapter in the Big Book of Dumb Famous People Doing Dumb Things: Yeah, these two make shitty music, but they’re still people, right? It’s a shame that they feel pressured to get married and spend loads of money on an extravagant wedding just to satisfy tabloids and their “fans.” Money makes people do stupid, illogical things … like make Nickelback records or drop $1 million on a ring for some washed-up pop star that you just started banging.
The baffling part about all this is not why Avril would marry him. That much is pretty easy to understand: He is rich, Canadian, and seems to be a good guy. What is mindbottling is why his band makes so many people so incredibly buttmad. Yes of course they are not very good, but there are thousands of much shittier bands who are much more annoying people (AC/DC, Led Zepplin, The Beetles, Lamb Of God, etc.). What is it about Nickleback that makes people so buttdevastated? And why don’t people realize that it does not make you sound clever or funny or cool to hate on Nickleback?? (It comes off kind of like your dad grumbling about how “that Justin Beaver doesn’t even look like a guy!!!”)
As a hot, moneyed star journalist, I undertake the struggle to find real love every single day. (Twice a day if I’ve done blow.) Sigh it seems that none of my momentarily special loves ever last — be it with a shameless fame-whore or with an instinctively self-preserving innocent. Cuz they can’t help but use me. And so, vast and tall is the wall around my heart and wang, as I again and again fail to find a true equal: someone rich and recognized like me, someone beautiful inside and out like me, someone who doesn’t need my name to get a good table at Mélisse. Someone who likes to rollerskate naked on mushrooms. Therefore I laud Chad and Avril, for theirs is a love built on shared experience, on individual esteem and wealth, and on um Canadianness. They found their true other, their partner in crime, their hearts’ harmony vocalist — no ulterior motives or funny stuff. It’s beautiful, cuz this is what brought these two dreamers to a career in the arts: a search for love and acceptance. And here it is for them at last. Bravo, Mr. and Mrs. Kroeger.
There’s something just so precious about two completely useless people in love with each other.
I haven’t thought about it much since the big announcement. Though to be fair, since then I’ve been busy 16 hours a day casting an infertility spell on Chad Kroeger’s nutsack.
“Some things you can’t unsee, bro.”
Whoa okay I think we all could’ve survived happily without having set eyes on the projected demon spawn of two kinda right-place/right-time non-talents of pop music. But that’s what u get from the top-tier jernalists of MetalSucks: the tough stories, the info you need whether it can be stomached or not lol. Have an awesome wknd!