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METALSUCKS FAQS II: THE NEW BATCH

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In 2009, we tried to clear up some of the confusion about what goes on here at MetalSucks by doing an FAQ-thinger. Unfortunately, some of you are retarded, and still seem confused about basic logic. Thus, we now present a second batch of FAQs…

Why isn’t the tour you’re sponsoring coming to my town?

Because we don’t like you and we go out of our way to fuck you. Also, because we have abso-fucking-lutely nothing to do with the tour routing or booking.

Can you tell me how much tickets to that tour you’re sponsoring cost?

Do you see a Ticketmaster logo on our website header?

So what DOES it mean when you “sponsor” a tour?

They put our logo on the poster, we endorse the tour and run some banner ads at a severely discounted rate or for free. That’s it. We don’t put the tour together. We don’t make any money off the tour, nor do we invest any money in the tour. Someone e-mails us or calls us and says “Hey, such and such a band is touring, do you wanna sponsor?”, and we say “yes” or “no.” If we’re really lucky, we know who the support acts are in advance, but sometimes we only find out later, which can kinda suck, but whatever.

I don’t like Axl and/or I don’t like Vince, why don’t you fire him/them?

Axl and Vince own the site, numb nuts. They can’t be fired.

I don’t like [Insert name of MetalSucks contributor/musician columnist/whatever here], why don’t you fire him/her?

We like our writers, and they will continue to write for us until we don’t like them anymore, or they don’t like us anymore. Of course you’re free not to read the blogs written by those writers.

Is Sergeant D. just trolling or what?

Or what.

What does it mean that Anso DF is “senior editor” of MetalSucks?

He has a lot more responsibility behind-the-scenes than other MetalSucks writers, for one, and is the mastermind for such weekly columns as Shit That Comes Out Today and Question of the Week. Also, if Axl or Vince ever get hit by a bus or something, he takes over.

Do you guys have a mailing list?

Yup. You can sign up below if you want. We really appreciate it!

I don’t like you because you’re a big corporation. Damn the man!

Well, that’s not really a question, but if by a “big corporation” you mean “two dudes who started a website for fun and are just as surprised as you are that anyone actually reads it but continue to do all the grunt work themselves with the help of a few other people who write for them as frequently as their schedule allows,” well, then, yeah. We should probably change our name to “Viacom,” right?

How can I submit my band for possible review or mention on MetalSucks?

Send an email to news AT metalsucks DOT net with A LINK TO SOMEPLACE WE CAN STREAM YOUR MUSIC. Please, for the love of all things holy, DO NOT JUST SEND US A DOWNLOAD LINK. Remember how we’re not exactly Viacom? Well, we don’t just have an endless amount of external hard drives sitting around, waiting to have unsigned bands uploaded onto them. If we want/need a download, we promise, we’ll let you know. Remember: less is more, put your best foot forward, and eat your veggies.

I sent you a link to a place where you could stream my band’s music but you never wrote about us. What gives?

Not to be total dicks, but please understand that we get LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF PROMOS A DAY from both signed and unsigned bands. It is simply not feasible that we listen to all of each and every one, and it would be impossible for us to write about them all even if we did. We assure you, we spend a LOT of time listening to stuff that’s been sent to us, but there’s a limit to how much time we can devote to this stuff. It’s just the way it is, and we don’t like it any more than you do.

I wanna write for MetalSucks, how do I apply?

Send a sample of your writing to axl AT metalsucks DOT net. If Axl likes what he reads, he’ll forward it to Vince. If Vince also likes it, you’ll get a very nice email from us. If Axl and/or Vince doesn’t like it, you will not get an email from us. That seems nicer than us writing back and telling you we don’t love your stuff. Hope that’s cool.

I wanna intern for MetalSucks, how do I apply?

Email vince AT metalsucks DOT net. Axl refuses to work with interns because he’s a dick.

How do I get my site on your blogroll?

Send us a polite email, don’t turn out to be a schmuck later on. That’s right, asshats! Sites owned by schmucks will be removed from the blogroll!

Don’t you think some of what you’ve written about certain bands and musicians is pretty mean-spirited?

Yes. And also, did you notice that site is called “MetalSucks?”

I wrote you an e-mail suggesting a particular band, and then when you wrote about that band, you used my real name in the article. But I wanted to remain anonymous! Why did you use my name?

Well, because when a reader sends us a tip, we ALWAYS give him or her credit. If you wanted to be credited under a handle, you should have specified said handle, and if you wanted to remain anonymous, you should have said so.

Why did you even bother reviewing that band’s album if you don’t like that band? Don’t you think you should just not talk any shit about bands you don’t like?

Are you seriously suggesting that we only run positive reviews and opinions on a site called “MetalSucks?” Wouldn’t that be, y’know, INSANELY BORING?

I left a comment on the site but now I want it taken down. Can you please remove it?

Well, we can, but why the hell did you ever leave that comment in the first place?

Since MetalSucks’ own Corey Mitchell is co-authoring it, can you tell me anything about Phil Anselmo’s book?

Yes, we have a ton of information that we’re not sharing because we hope some other site scoops us first. We’re definitely not waiting to learn more just like everybody else, and this couldn’t possibly be because the book hasn’t even been completed yet.

I  heard a rumor that the guy who writes under the name “Axl Rosenberg” now is not the same guy who used to write under the name “Axl Rosenberg.” True or false?

Seriously?

I heard a rumor that some MetalSucks columnists write under multiple handles. True or false?

False. Every author on MetalSucks is a different person.

I heard a rumor that Vince has a twelve-inch cock. True or false?

False. It’s thirteen inches.

Axl writes too much, why doesn’t he let the other writers write more?

Axl would love for the other writers to write more. Unfortunately, they all have lives and he doesn’t, so he ends up doing a lot of the writing.

Does Vince own a stake in Spotify?

Yes. In fact, his birth name is “Vincent Neilspotify.”

Are you guys gonna do digital releases of more albums, like you did with The Binary Code and Meek is Murder?

We’d love to, but we have to find a band that a) isn’t signed and b) Axl and Vince both feel passionate about.

Will there be a Metal Suckfest 2?

We hope so, but not this year.

Why not this year?

Without boring you with too many details, Vince and Axl both had some pretty cataclysmic shifts in their personal lives this year, and, frankly, that stuff (and by “that stuff,” we mean OUR FAMILIES) took precedence over doing the tremendous amount of work it takes to put together a festival. Hopefully next year will be a little calmer, for lack of a better term, but who knows? The world could end on December 21.

Isn’t the Pantera font getting a little old?

Yup. That’s why we have a spiffy new redesign in the works! You may have already seen our new logo as a matter of fact, but soon this entire website is gonna look completely different. Get stoked!!!!!!!

-Axl, Vince, and Everyone at MetalSucks

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