HOLY SH*T: KISS HAVE UNLOCKED THE SECRETS OF TIME TRAVEL
Okay, so I was reading this interview with Paul Stanley where he was talking about Kiss’ new album, Monster, and he said — and this is a direct quote, I swear! — he said, “I wanted us to make the album we never made.” And at first, I was totally confused, y’know? ‘Cause what else is a band gonna do? How the fuck can you make an album you’ve already made?
I called my old lady into the room and I says to her, “I thought Gene Simmons was the only immigrant in Kiss.” “He is!” she told me. “Then how come Paul Stanley don’t speak better English?” I asked her. She shrugged and went back to doin’ whatever she was doin’ in the other room.
But I know Paul Stanley is a smart guy ’cause look at how much money he makes. So I thought about it and thought about it and thought about it, and that’s when it hit me:
PAUL STANLEY HAS A TIME MACHINE.
I know it sounds like I’ve gone cuckoo, but think about it for a minute — Paul Stanley having a time machine explains a LOT of things, like:
- How all of a sudden Ace and Peter de-aged practically overnight
- How Gene was able to successfully predict the demise of rap music
- How Nick Simmons can be totally innocent of rippin’ other peoeple’s shit off even though it really looks like he ripped other people’s shit off
- How the band knew that enough of their fans would die someday to make selling Kiss Koffins and Kiss Urns worth it (And which of those fans to sell or not sell insurance to! BETTER THAN A SPORT ALMANAC!!!)
In conclusion: not only are Kiss amazing songwriters, but they are also apparently scientific geniuses!!! In fact, now that I think about it…
OH. MY. GOD.