Necessary Roughness

Necessary Roughness, Week 11: Turkey Day Stuffing

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Necessary Roughness with Gwar's Dave Brockie

I was wrong! I thought I was going to be home for the rest of the season… but apparently not! We did have Thanksgiving off so we posted up in some anonymous hotel in Ann Arbor, MI and I settled in for a day of NFL action.

The first game featured a feisty Detroit Lions team that refused to bow to the visiting Houston Texans and may have well won the game if it wasn’t for a costly mistake made by Detroit coach Jim Schwartz. An apparent Houston TD would have been called back except that Schwartz threw a challenge flag on a play that was going to be reviewed anyway… which not only nullified the review but was also a penalty after the kickoff. I’m sorry, that fucking sucked. It’s a stupid rule and it was ridiculous that an otherwise great game should have been decided by such a stupid issue, but it also fucking sucked that Coach Schwartz didn’t know the stupid rule to begin with! The game was ugly enough already, with Detroit defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh apparently kicking Matt Schaub in the nuts in the first quarter. This is the same guy that got ejected last Thanksgiving for stomping a Green Bay lineman and has been fined numerous times for his asshole-like demeanor. I mean, we don’t need Mary Poppins out there, but maybe it’s time to put a Haynesworth (remember those windsprints?) on Suh, as he apparently just isn’t getting it. But overall it was a great game as the Texans continued to solidify their claim as one of the NFL’s premiere teams with their second straight OT victory, defeating the Lions 34-31 at Ford Field. The Texans are for real, and we are headed for a mighty interesting playoff season.

This is my favorite time of the year — the rundown to the playoffs — and it’s rare indeed when my Redskins are in anything but the most desperate contention. But after the Skins 38-31 victory over their dreaded rival Dallas Cowboys, and last week’s thrashing of the Eagles, the Skins — mostly due to their division (remember when the NFC East was the most feared division in football for years?) and the exploits of the amazing RG III — are headed exactly that way! The kid is a phenom, no doubt, and to experience the joy of hearing chants of “RG III” while the Cowboys were booed off their home field at halftime was indescribable to a Skins fab. Romo the Robot just isn’t a winner. I hate the way he runs back to the bench after every series and hides behind his playsheet and headphones. I mean, maybe he is coached to do that, but it just seems like the QB of a winning team needs to be more than an automaton, that he needs to be on the sidelines, hanging with the guys, getting fired up and inspiring his teammates. Romo, with his blank expression and emotionless doll-eyes, exudes none of the kind of confidence you need to project to your team in order to win. You may have noticed it, Cowboys fans. The Skins withstood a second half comeback and did just enough to take a 38-31 win home with them. The Skins have won two straight and are right in the thick of it! And even if they don’t make the playoffs, with QB RG III and RB Albert Morris looking this good as rookies, Skins fans have something to cheer about  for the first time in years.

The G-men might have something to say about that when they meet the Redskins in next week’s Monday night game. Didn’t I tell you a couple weeks ago? The G-men and their famous November slump are nothing to worry about for New York Giant fans, and it’s become so regular that I am beginning to think that wily old Coughlin does it by design! I can hear it now… “Go ahead and lay off a bit boys, we are two games ahead with a bye coming up… we’ll be back and ready to WHOOP ass.” The team that lay a 38-10 beatdown on the Green Bay Packers looked every bit the Super Bowl champs that they are. And Aaron Rogers mustache makes him look like a punter. It must have confused the Green Bay receivers though, looking back for the ball and seeing the punter throwing it. No wonder they lost!

Meanwhile a few AFC teams are staking a claim to “top dog” ranking. The Patriots are playing like a machine and the Brady Bunch took apart the New York Jets by like 40 points or something on Turkey Day Night. The Brady Bunch is out there, haunting the waters like a shark, looking for victims. Sleek and remorseless, they are led by The Hooded One, who brings death. Watch out for the Pats, even with dude’s broken arm. He’ll fashion a huge club onto it and smash people with it, while one-hand catching perfect Brady TD passes. Or maybe not.

What the hell is going on with the Jets? Could it be that they suck? We see the immense talent the team has, and we see somehow management has failed to align those elements into a winning formation… but why? Because the talent is there… well, maybe not when Sanchez ran into that dude’s butt. And now it’s revealed that Tebow (who electrified the NFL last year and has done NOTHING this year, mostly because REXY has hardly played him) has broken ribs, and has for weeks. Poor dude is still begging to play but REXY is sexy. He’s not thinking about the game. He’s thinking about feet and where he is gonna have dinner. REXY loves the hype. Where Coughlin installs an old-school disciplinarian approach, REXY installs a circus. That’s why the Giants win and the Jets lose.

Speaking of death, The Baltimore Ravens brought it to the San Diego Chargers, 16-13, in a game highlighted by Ray Rice’s unreal ramble scramble as he fought for every yard of a 4th down and 29, which set up a crucial game-tying field goal. After more brutality, the Ravens emerged a 16-13 victor and improve to 9-2 in the AFC North. The Ravens continue to impress. They embody smash mouth football to me, and their continued excellence despite losing Ray Lewis makes them a team to be feared. Flaco is doing pretty good too!

The Steelers lost to the Browns. Ugh. They are already down to their last QB, and is it really Charlie Batch? Good luck Charlie. People are going to be trying to kill you. Run Charlie, run! EIGHT turnovers?  Tons of penalties. Ugly game, by all accounts. Another concussion, this one to Cleveland QB Brandon Weeden. Man, do we need to give QB’s bigger helmets? Because they seem to be the ones getting all the concussions! Let’s give them giant, head-protecting, almost Tele-Tubbie-like heads, and then cover them with decals like we do with racecar drivers. I wonder what that would do for ratings?

The 49érs beat the just-until-recently-resurgent New Orleans Saints 31-21 in a game I confess I slept through a lot of. Every time I woke up the 49ers were winning, so I kept snoring. There was a nice couch and a huge HD flat screen on the wall. Basically the best set-up you can have on the road. As long as you don’t have a problem with the stench of the GWAR costumes. The Colts beat the Bills 20-13 and their string of Luck (get it?) continued. They are still in there and the battle between Luck and Griffin for Rookie of the Year continues! Can you be awarded the MVP and the Rookie of the Year award? When is it announced? Talk to me, readers!

The Denver Broncos beat the woeful K.C. Chiefs 17-9, and the possibility of a double-brother Super Bowl continued! Peyton Manning’s success in his new home is the best story of the year, and I hope their winning ways continue. Notice he doesn’t do as many commercials anymore? Having and rehabbing from like eight neck surgeries will do that to a guy in his mid-thirties. Sure does throw touchdowns, though. The pain continued not only for the Raiders nation, as they lost to the Bengals, 34-10, but also for returning Carson Palmer, as after the game he was reportedly ‘’covered in red welts”.

And I would be remiss in my duties if I did not congratulate Da Bears and their concussion victim QB Jay Cutler in his return from oblivion and their 28-10 victory over the hornless Vikings. “I felt good,” said Cutler, which, considering last week he couldn’t wipe his own ass, was a definite improvement. Chicago’s defense was suffocating and maybe, just maybe, the Bears have a chance.

I’ll let you tell me the rest; great job on the comments section! John the GiantsFan: sorry I missed you last night. Great show in Reading NHL fans, sorry… watch more football! Anyone else I wanna apologize to… well yes, but not right here! OK, off to wind up the GWAR “Fate or Chaos” tour. From now on this column will be written from a non-road setting (though I have gotten pretty good at those free-streaming channels) while I watch my big fat HD TV, stuffing my face and watching the rest of what is turning out to be a pretty goddamn good season, and hopefully NOT throwing my foam Redskins brick (I also have a real one, in case we make the Super Bowl. Have had it quite a while!). OK readers, SOUND OFF!

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