Black Metal Bowel Movement

Black Metal Brunch: Drex Goes to Guitar Center

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ANOTHER YEAR ARRIVES, DRESSED IN WINTER GOOSEPIMPLES. #NAKED #WAN #BLUEVEINED #STARVESTRUCK, THIS YEAR IS A GUILTRIDDEN INVOCATION OF LIBIDINAL WOE. NO DIFFERENT FROM THE OTHERS. AND SO I PASS MY WEATHERED #BATTLESATCHEL (#NEITHERAPURSE #NORAEUPHEMISM!) TO A 20 YEAR OLD WITH UPPER LIP STUD, #DUNKINPLUMP TATTOOTERIED CLEAVAGES, AND BLACK/BLOND HAIR STREAKS REMINISICENT OF 2003’S MIDGRADE PORNOGRAPHIC INFOTAINMENTS. SHE GIFTS ME A KEYCHAIN ATTACHED TO A LAMINATED CARDBOARD CHUNK SHARPIED WITH A NUMBER, INITIATING THE DEINDIVIDUATION PROTOCOL NECESSITATED BY THIS QUEST.

THROUGH THE TURNSTYLE I SHUFFLE, SURRENDERING MY FORM TO WHAT SOME CALL #INFERIORITY’S MAW, AND OTHERS DESCRIBE AS FOUL NECESSITY’S #TOILETSIDEDISASTER. YOU AND I? WE CALL IT #GUITARCENTER. BECAUSE UNTIL GUITAR STRINGS MAY BE PLUCKED DIRECTLY FROM THE TREE OF SONG, AND THE MISERY VIRUS REPLICATES ITS OPPOSITE, THERE IS NO OTHER “CHOICE.”

ANOTHER YEAR: CLOSER TO DEATH AND FURTHER FROM INNOCENCE.  I PERUSE THE SNAKE OIL EMPORIUM, PEDDLING THE PROMISE OF GADGETRY’S GIRTH TO THOSE SLACK IN THE #TALENTPANTS. I ARRIVE AT #AMPSLABYRINTH AND ITS STACKED HALLWAYS OF #HEROWORSHIP. MY, HOW THIS CHAMPION BACKWARDS-HATTED #SHOWOFF BELTS OUT THIS 1987 SLAYER RIFF. INCREDIBLY ORIGINAL #BRAH. #GAIN AT 9, TREBLE AT #8, DOUCHE NOB SET TO #BAGILLION. THE EXTREME VOLUME IS A WORTHY COMPENSATORY FOR THE NUANCE MISSING FROM HIS TECHNIQUE, THAT #DOUCHETONE REALLY #NAILING THE #DOUCHEVIBE IN CASE SOME IMAGINARY #MUSICAGENTLABELDIPSHITDOUCHE WERE TO WALK BY AND FULFILL HIS ANTIQUATED FANTASY OF MUSICAL #DOUCHEDISCOVERY AND #DOUCHEFAME. #AIRHEAD #BILLANDDEAD #VVAYNESVELD. THINKETH DREX: IF YOU’RE GOING TO PLAY PARENT TO A DREAM JUST TO WATCH IT DIE, AT LEAST ENSURE IT’S REALLY YOURS FIRST, #INFERIOR. YE WHO CONSUMMATES AN #ABYSSMALPATERNITY.

YET AS I PASS THIS MUSICIAN’S EQUIVALENT OF THE TOWN’S PUBLIC WANKER, MY REGAL PALLID VISAGE POINTS TO A GOAL BEYOND, PAYING HIM NO HEED, FOR UPON REFLECTATION, I RECOGNIZE THAT IN THE VILLAGE OF #GUITARCENTER, #MUSICALMASTURBATION IS THE MOST CHERISHED FORM OF #CIVICPARTICIPATION.

AND SO I PAY NO HEED OUTWARDLY, FOR I CONTAIN INNWARDLY THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I SHIT OUT SLAYER RIFFS FOR BREAKFAST. I AM ABOVE THE #FRAY, IN THE CLOUDS, IN A #ZEPPELIN GLANCING DOWN IN #OLDTIMEYGLASSES AT A WORLD OF SWEATERS RAKED BY #NAZIS OVER BARBED WIRES. NO NEED TO PLUG IN THE AXE, AND SHOW THIS NEOPHYTIC STRING STRANGLER THE #TR00MEANING OF #MUSICALMASTURBATION. #NOMATTER HOW MY BLOOD ACHES FOR IT, #NOMATTER HOW MY #ESSENTIALSPIRIT GATHERS INTO MY HANDS, TINGLEY-TINGLING THE TIPPETY TIPS WITH A TORRENTIAL COMPULSION TO #MOTHAFUCKINROCKTHAFUKOUTBRO!!!

BUT NO. RESTRAINT EQUALS DIGNITY AT THIS WHORE’S BUFFET.

AND SERIOUSLY #BRAH? SLAYER??! I STAIN MY MORNING PORCELAIN WITH DESIGNS A THOUSAND TIMES MORE INTRICATE THAN #KERRYKING’S HEADTATS. #FUCKSLAYER. I AM THE #KERRYKINGSHIT OF THE #TRUENORTH. #NOTHINGGOODSINCEDIVINEINTERVENTION.

BUT AT #GUITARCENTER. EVEN THE #KERRYKINGSHIT OF THE #TRUENORTH MUST #ASSUMETHEPOSITION IN THE #QUEUE (#QEUE? #QWUE? #KYOO?) FOR STRINGS UND PICKS. AND SO AS I ENTER THE LINE TO THE #GUITAR ACCESSORIZATI0N AND BATTLEMENTS COUNTER, SCORES LONG AS IT IS, SNAKING PAST THE ELECTRONICAL PRODUCTION #BEATSUITE (#EUPHEMISM ;)), AND TAKING A RIGHT AT THE #DRUMMERY, I ENTER A #BROOD OF DEEPEST HUE.

HERE AM I. #DREX. BORED ABOARD ANOTHER YEAR, PROCEEDING IN QUARTERED SEQUENCE TO THE CHURNING SLURRY OF VOID’S STOMACH. #OH, TO BE A GREASY CHUNKLE IN THE ACID POOL WITH ALL THE OTHER SHADOWS! #OH, TO DISPERSE AS GAS FROM THE COSMOS’ MOST FAVORED ORIFICE! #OH, TO SEEK AN EQUILIBRIUM FOR MY STINKFUL #AFTERICKIES IN THE LIGHTLESS ARENA OF THE INFINITE.  #OHBOYLESLAW

AND YET I PERSIST. I PERSIST. I PERSISTICKTOCKTICKTOCKTICKTOCKTICKTOCK.

THE LINE SHUFLLES ALONG, THEN COMETH THE BOO—DA—BOOBOO-DA OF THE #BEATMASTER, SCATTERING MY DARKEST BROOD TO #DISTRACTIONSWIND. PLUNKING 16 NOTES INTO A $2000 SEQUENCER AND ADJUSTING THE #TONE AND #REVERB IN MICROSCOPIC INCREMENTALS, THE WHOLE LINE OF #LESMISERABLES ARE CAPTIVE TO A GRAND PERFORMANCE FROM THIS #KANYEMOZART. FANTIZATIONALS OF BE-JEWELED MEDALLIONS AND JUICICLE BUTTSIDES IN HIS MIND, HE KNOWS NOTHING OF #CHORDSTRUCTURE, OR #TREMOLOPICKING OR #BLASTBEATS OR #PRACTICE. HE, WITH HIS #SEARS DIAMOND STUDS BOUGHT BY A WELL MEANING #STEPMOM (#GOODLUCKWITHYOURLASTSEMESTEROF #JC #STEVEN, #LUV “MOM”), IS THAT CRUEL SIDESHOW OF NATURE, THE #ECSTATICIDIOT. FOR WHAT HE KNOWS NOT HE CANNOT SUFFER FROM.  HE KNOWS NOT THAT MUSIC IS THE #MOSTTR00 EXPRESSION OF #SUFFERING, AND YOU MUST SUFFER TO #EXPRESS IT. HE KNOWS NOT THAT WHERE HATE AND PAIN LACK THE HEART SPURTS WAXY GIBLETS OF FALSEHOOD’S GUNK. HE KNOWS NOT OF HIMSELF, NOR ANYONE ELSE. #SIMPLETON WRETCH, #MALEDICTUS! I CURSE YOU! AND I CURSE THE CURSE YOU’LL ONLY EXPERIENCE AS A #BLESSING!!

#TATTOOTERIED #BAGCHECKWENCH SEEMS INTO IT THOUGH. #SHAKINSHAKINHSAKIN. #WHATEVER. #MOVINGON.

I WAIT AGAIN. ANOTHER YEAR OF STARING INTO MY OWN NAVEL, UNCERTAIN IF UNDER THE #TR00NORWEGIANBELLYHAIR AND SKIN CAKED LINT, THERE IS A PRESENCE POISED SENTIENT AND AWARE, STARING BACK.  THEN COMES THE RACKET OF A PINT SIZED #LARSULRICH (#REDUNDANT) PUSHING A REFRIGERATOR DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS AS STAINLESS STEEL MANTARAYS TEAR THROUGH CONCRETE PILLARS WITH RAZOR TEETH, DEMOLISHING PEACE, AND DOUBTLESS SCARING OFF MY #BELLYBUTTONBROTHER. I AM PAST THE OPEN DOOR OF THE #DRUMMERY, AND I SNORT THROUGH THE LAST OF MY SPIRIT’S STORE OF RESTRAINT.

I ABANDON THE LINE.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU #HIPFATHER BUYING SON NEW AMP! YOU THINK I AM RUDE FOR CUTTING? WELL I THINK YOUR #BOYCODDLING CORRODES JUSTICE. #BYGONESBITCH.  AND #STOPCRYINGGKID, (#MIDDLESCHOOLISCOMING). AND #FAREWELL, #SOLONG #NUMETAL HAIR SPIKLED GUITAR ACCESSORIZATION ASSOCIATE. I AM SURE YOUR #MIDLEVEL TOURING BAND REWARDS YOU WITH SEXUAL EXPLOITS WITH THE UNDERAGED AND AFFECTION STARVED OF AMERICAS TINY TOWNS AND LOCAL CRAPLETS, BUT MY REWARD ARE THOSE STRINGS BEHIND THE COUNTER, AND IF YOU STOP ME, I SWEAR #UPON YOUR MEDIOCRE #ARMSLEEVE AND THE GHOST OF #ROSSROBINSON, I WILL END ALL THINGS YOU. OH, YOU CALL SECURITY? GET DOWN FROM COUNTER? I HEARDS THIS ONE BEFORE!! IT’S ONE OF MY GREATEST HITS.  HOLD ON. I JUMP DOWN, GRAB GUITAR FROM STUPID GUITAR WALL AND SHOW YOU. NO I WON’T STOP SWINGING IT TIL YOU LET ME PLAY. LEMMEE PLUGIN. #GAIN 20, #TREBLE 50, #DOUCHE 5 BAGILLION. #PERFECTSETTINGS. I CALL THIS ONE #GUITARCENTERATROCITY, AND YOU’LL ALL HEAR IT, LIKE I DID, BECAUSE WITH #GUITARCENTER, THERE IS NO OTHER CHOICE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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