Hipsters Out Of Metal!

Wanna Hear Me Out About Killer Dwarfs?

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If u wonder how it’s possible to love a hair-metal band called KILLER DWARFS, please recall that long ago a dude would often hear a jam somewhere and not instantaneously learn the identity of its creators. Like, on Headbangers Ball u could miss the little right-corner info box and enjoy an awesome song without knowing that it belonged to, say, super-dorky Canadians. 

But at some point u heard their band’s name KILLER DWARFS and were chilled by the dread of marching over to a record store to be seen purchasing the damn shit. At the shop, u would hide the CD second-to-last in a pile of non-embarrassing albums by bands with defensible names. Still, at the checkout your face kinda formed a wince, like “Ha yeah man, they’ve outgrown that name. This one is their fourth. It’s super good and kinda understated. Not at all about dwarfs or orgres. Just great hair rock. They’re from Canada.”

Annnyway, in 2013 the only way u will get into KILLER DWARFS is by force; no such convenient ignorance can save u. (And nowadays this band may be mistaken for one that actually sings about elves and leprechauns and shit.) But like a few other bands with name fails — see also Wrathchild America and Lillian Axe ugh — KILLER DWARFS are super awesome! Cmon let’s party on them for a second? Trust me :))

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“Dirty Weapons”
Dirty Weapons (Epic, 1990)  

Hey awesome thanks for reading! I’m pumped that u are kinda taking my word for it on this. So I owe it to u to point out that KILLER DWARFS weren’t always awesome. I had the good fortune to fan them upon the release of Dirty Weapons, their fourth and best. (Then later I went back and disliked the first three.) Its title track’s video was on Headbangers Ball a lot and we loved it! The pre-chorus rips — I always sing it when naked: “It’s gettin’ really hard!”

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“Nothin’ Gets Nothin'”
Dirty Weapons (Epic, 1990)

Okay so as we pushed play on a new Dirty Weapons tape, we were still smarting from the public scoffing we had suffered at the record store. We tapped our toes through the familiar first jam, “Dirty Weapons”; over its four minutes, we were thinking that dignity could again be ours if only this album would cooperate by being awesome.  To our relief, the second song we ever heard by KD — and its entire album, turns out — is totally awesome. Dude, dat opening/chorus riff and verse riff!! Suck it George Lynch, Mike Clark, Greg Fulton, and Tommy Baron :))

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“Not Foolin'”
Dirty Weapons (Epic, 1990)

I could blab about each of Dirty Weapons‘ ten tracks, such is their shocking awesomeness. But hey I won’t rob u of the joy of discovering the album’s best moments for yourself lol. But let’s jam “Not Foolin'” cuz u will majorly admire the masterful guitar (for fans of Zakk Wylde, Mick Mars) and singing performances (for fans of Sebastian Bach, Marq Torien). Jesus it’s like Kids In The Hall; they strike u as a pack of nose-picking spazzes but their shit is genius! Genius!!

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“Doesn’t Matter”
Dirty Weapons (Epic, 1990)
Method To The Madness (Epic, 1992)

Like Dirty Weapons, its follow-up Method To The Madness was produced by Andy Johns (Van Halen’s F.U.C.K., Cinderella, Led Zep IV, Rolling Stones’ Exile On Main Street). That explains the guest piano from Nicky Hopkins lol. But it’s a weird album cuz its first half is too corny (like early KD) and its second half is triumphant (like Dirty Weapons). And it’s super-weird cuz the hit ballad from Dirty Weapons “Doesn’t Matter” returns to close Method, for reasons unexplained in an awkward liner note. Sigh, but the jam is awesome and it typifies the KILLER DWARFS vibe: vague good wishes, pleas to stand up to whoever is pushing u down, reminders to manage your regret. U will figure it out, yeah.

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“Hard Luck Town”
Method To The Madness (Epic, 1992)

Dude ha I’m reading right now that awesome guitarist Mike Dwarf, after having left KILLER DWARFS before Method, went on to form a band called BALLS DEEP. He’s a repeat offender!! lol Anyway, back then we were bummed about his departure, and we weren’t 100% cheered up by Method‘s first single, whose chorus echoes “Turn Up The Radio” by Autograph. We started calling it “Turn Up The Hard Luck Town,” kinda like “Stroke Up In Ya” by Billy Squier/BulletBoys lol.

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“Just As Well”
Method To The Madness (Epic, 1992)

From “Just As Well,” u can tell that the new guitarist Gerry Dwarf also was a fan of Lynch, though maybe more of Lynch Mob than Dokken. Really, this is Method‘s sixth-best song (of ten) so u may snore a bit; to calculate the awesomeness that awaits u in Method superjamz like “Goodbye To Yesterday,” “Look Around,” and “Give And Take,” just multiply its quality by 700,000 :) bam! Good luck!

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