Br00tal-lists

The Ten Best Metal Songs About Masturbation

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Awww… whassa matter? Lonely? Don’t have anyone special to whom you can give a heavy metal Valentine’s Day card? Only date you could find for tonight was with Rosy Palmer and her five sisters? Well don’t fret — ’cause we got the soundtrack for your pudwhack. Below you’ll find ten (well, eleven, actually) of our favorite metal songs, and songs by metal (and, we admit, sometimes only sorta metal) artists that deal with squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube. Enjoy!

10) Nothingface, “Murder is Masturbation”

“Masturbation “is right there in the title! Sure, it’s a rather unusual form of masturbation, but this is metal music… everything about it is unusual.

9) Shat, “Grandpa is Playing with His Penis”

A non-metal song from an artist who is usually far more extreme is nonetheless relevant for obvious reasons. A touching portrait of a man and his grandfather. Alas, it’s not embeddable, but you can listen to it here.

8) Genitorturers, “I Touch Myself”

This industrial cover of The Divynls’ hit from the early 90s is… well, exactly what it sounds like. Touch yourself while thinking about someone you love!

7) Stone Temple Pilots, “Unglued”

I’m not actually 100% positive this one is about mangling the midget, because like all Scott Weiland lyrics, the words to the song make almost no sense. But I think it’s about bludgeoning the beefsteak, and it certainly rocks, so I’m including it.

6) Faith No More, “Jizzlober”

Better to be the jizzlober than the jizz mopper, no?

5) Alice Cooper, “Holy Muscle of Love”

Few things are more romantic than remembering a time when Alice Cooper didn’t need autotune, and looked like a really ugly young lady, not a really ugly old lady. The good ol’ days!

4) Nirvana, “Spank Thru”

Interesting fact: this was the first and final time that Kurt Cobain’s lyrics made any goddamn sense.

3) Cannibal Corpse, “Dismembered and Molested”

Like Nothingface’s “Murder is Masturbation,” only not for total pussies.

2) Billy Idol, “Dancing with Myself”

Never been has anyone been so happy-go-lucky about teaching the cyclops the lambada. Good ol’ Billy Idol — he’s unflappable! But not unfappable.

1) Mr. Bungle, “The Girls of Porn”

Mike Patton is the only artist to appear on this list twice, thus making him The Poet Laureate of Lubricating the Love Monkey. But the title is well earned. Few lyricists have ever captured the true plight of the modern American male the way Patton has with lines like this:

Ain’t got no woman next to me
I just got this magazine
And what’s on the TV screen
But that’s okay with me

My hand gets tired and my dick gets sore
But the girls of porn want more
So I flip through the pages one more time
And I just let the jism fly

I mean, what guy can’t relate to that, right?

BONUS SONG:

Anal Cunt, “Saving Ourselves for Marriage”

This unusually beautiful ballad from the late Seth Putnam doesn’t deal with masturbation directly, but I’m guessing the couple in question did, indeed, do a LOT of masturbating prior to their nuptials. Just a guess!

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