Question Of The Week: And The Grammy Goes To …
ugh Not to revive a turdy topic that’s best flushed forever, but holy shitballz weren’t the 2013 Grammy Awards especially stinky? I mean jeez, the idea of the ceremony is to drum up interest in music, goose sales and concert attendance, and reward bold and excellent performers and artists. That didn’t happen this year. Not even in the ballpark. Not even in the ballpark of the ballpark. Ffffart.
But hey that’s business for ya: The job isn’t always being done by the right people. So as experts, we MetalSucks Metalicians expect to be called on someday to raise our part of the Grammys from “absurd” to “respectable.” Or at least to “sensical” lol. We get a head start on that task in today’s MS Question Of The Week! Read it as u would switch on the exhaust fan as u exit the toilets: to suck that acrid odor of buttloaf from your midsts.
Fearless. Controversial. Half-baked. We give it to you straight every Friday afternoon. Straight to an awards broadcast for past, present, and future fans of music! Here’s this week’s question:
Inspired by the particularly rancid 2013 Grammy Awards, we asked our staff the following question:
The date is January 1, 2013 and u have just been appointed by the Recording Academy to execute an update of the Best Metal categories. Who are your presenters (two) and nominees for Best Metal Song (three) and Best Extreme Metal Song (three)?
Read the MS Staff’s sweet-smelling answers then reply fragrantly below!
If the Grammys were not a total waste of time and didn’t piss in the face of music, the Best Metal Song category would pan out like this: Enslaved’s “Roots Of The Mountain,” Pig Destroyer’s “The Baltimore Strangler,” Dying Fetus’ “From Womb To Waste,” Deftones’ “Leathers,” and because this is the Grammys, we’d nominate a song that’s not really metal (Baroness’ “March To The Sea”) and a classic from a recent live album (Iron Maiden’s “The Trooper [live]”). Gene Simmons and Lemmy would present the award, but instead of the usual routine, they’d just fistfight. Like, they come out from opposite sides of the stage and charge each other, and then slug it out for as long as necessary. Then we cut right to commercial. But who won? We did.
To answer this would only require my going back to pull the top few tracks from my Best Of 2012 list, so I don’t really have any new insights here. Instead, can I just point out that the Juno Awards totally own the Grammys when it comes to metal? We’ve got Cancer Bats, Devin Townsend, Ex Deo, Castle (our Halestorm?), and Woods Of Ypres this year. That’s slightly less fucking terrible, eh?
I’d appoint Bruce Dickinson and Rob Halford to present the award because Lemmy would only do it over his dead body, and I assume that the general public will be able to at least identify those two gentlemen. But I wouldn’t bother with nominees — just give all awards to Royal Thunder. They’re talented, melodic, and so damn awesome. Plus, their girl singer would appeal to Grammy peoples.
Well, I’d appoint Vince and myself to present, duh — and I promise you we’d show plenty of the puffy parts of our genitals on stage. For the nominees, I would have but one criteria: Which bands would best freak out old white people who have a giant stick up their collective ass? And thus, the nominees are:
BEST METAL SONG
Cannibal Corpse “Followed Home Then Killed”
Cattle Decapitation “A Living, Breathing Piece of Defecating Meat”
Dying Fetus “From Womb to Waste”
BEST EXTREME METAL SONG
Goatwhore “Death to the Architects of Heaven”
Napalm Death “Leper Colony”
Pig Destroyer “The Bug”
Y’know what, I would propose to categorize the noms as Best Loud Rock Song and Best Metal Song. That’s in the goal of awaring listeners of rock radio to lower-profile gems from edgier, sympathetic genres — and of propelling would-be extreme metal fans toward their transition out of entry-level stuff. It’s a way that this arbitrary, subjective honor is put to good use. Which is the point: more fans, more sales, more industry. So yeah I would ask topless presenters Cristina Scabbia and Ryan Gosling to awkwardly read this aloud (oh p.s. to hear song snippet that accompanies the reading of nominees, click ‘listen’ it’s fun):
And the Grammy goes to … Deftones “Gauze” [applause, acceptance speech]. And now the nominees for
End deh wiener eass … Gojira “Explosia” [applause, acceptance speech].
More spastic gyrating and shrieks when the Grammys return!
That’s more like it goddammit! We all would totally watch this shit — and all it required was ten minutes of thought and ten seconds of typing from each MetalSucks doctor of Metal. Okay your turn MetalSucks readers! Who presents what to whom? And what awesome band guys stay seated when the winner is announced? Who barfs at Justin Timberlake’s Grammy Party? Who punches Chris Brown into another time zone? Happy wknd to all!