Green Eggs and Slam

why do hardcore kids jock CROWBAR now lol

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crowbar integ

“as u can see by my selection of entry-level 90s mall metal, i am rly into ‘knowing teh roots of hardcore'”

As u may know, hardcore has always been based around a very simple idea: copy whatever metal bands were popular 5-10 years ago, but take out all the lame parts. For example EARTH CRISIS is just PANTERA without the stupid solos or acoustic songs, JUDGE is just “Ride The Lightning” without the lulzy vocals, and HATEBREED is just CELTIC FROST if they never made “Cold Lake.” This is nothing new, but I have to admit that even I was surprised by teh latest metal band that junior-varsity hxc kids are jizzing over: CROWBAR.

being mocked on “Beavis & Butthead” was the pinnacle of CROWBAR’s career back in the 90s (srs)

if u didn’t know about them until now, you might have thought that they were a relevant, popular band in the 1990s but i assure you that they were not. They were the definition of “band that was pretty good but nobody gave a fucking shit about,” so they were usually stuck opening for B-level bands like PRONG or PRO-PAIN. U know that ur band is not popular or relevant when ur opening for PRO-PAIN lol. given that nobody gave more than half a shit about them in the 90s, u can understand why i was puzzled by their current resurgence in popularity, until i remembered how trendy hardcore kids are and then it all made sense.

brian crowbar

Exhibit 1: Brain Ortiz from THE XIBALBAS: the man responsible for the current wave of kids trying to outdo each other in the “who can gargle CROWBAR’s balls the hardest” contest

taylor crowbar

Exhibit 2: Taylor from NAILS/TWITCHING TONGUES tacitly saying to kids that it is cool to copy CROWBAR

Basically, if one of the people in a current hype band likes a band, then little kids will also say they like that band because they want to fit in with the cool older guys and be like “look guise i’m cool too i liek old bands im like soooo mature for my age.” when u think about it that way, the sudden spike in CROWBAR ball-licking is clearly due to the fact that Brian from XIBALBA is always talking about them and little kids copy him.

What they dont understand is that it makes perfect sense for Brian 2 like CROWBAR because he is old, so of course he is into some random 90s bands that nobody else likes. but when they are like ‘omgggggg CROWBAR’ it just comes off like they are trying way too hard bc lettuce be cereal there is no way they would have ever heard about that band on their own. idk i’m not saying they aren’t allowed to like semi-crappy old bands bc i mean its a free country but idk it is just sad to see them waste their youth on listening to bands who filled the cutout bins of my high school years, u know??

Are u also baffled by the CROWBAR-worship fad?? What will be the next trendy B-level 90s band for hxc kids to jock? NAILBOMB? FUDGE TUNNEL? STUCK MOJO?? GWAR?? GREEN JELLO??? praying 4 the next generation :(

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