Kiss Kitty Hello
The toy company Hasbro have their own television network now, The Hub, so that they can sell their shit directly to kids 24/7. (Brilliant business plan and yet another reason to have yourself sterilized.) And yesterday, they announced the latest addition to their programming schedule: Kiss Hello Kitty, an animated series that will focus on “four Kiss x Hello Kitty characters living their rock ‘n’ roll dreams and bringing pink anarchy to every situation they are in.” And in case you’re like “Wait is Kiss x Hello Kitty what I think it is?”, the answer is, yes, it is absolutely what you think it is.
And Kiss Hello Kitty is apparently the working title, by the way. I don’t know what the fuck else you’d call the show besides Gene and Paul Continue to Get Rich or maybe I Wanna Rock N’ Roll Cat Fight and Pussy Every Day, but I guess that’s why I don’t work in the marketing department for The Hub.
But here’s my favorite part of the whole thing — a quote from Paul Stanley that makes absolutely zero sense, and was included in the press release anyway, because that’s how stupid the creators of this crap think you are:
“Knowing and viewing The Hub as I do daily with my three children, it is the perfect home for us to bring the Kiss Hello Kitty juggernaut to yet another generation.”
It’s the perfect time to introduce Kiss Hello Kitty to another generation just because you watch the channel? That’s it? That’s the entire creative impetus behind the show? You couldn’t even think of some other bullshit to say to at least make it sound like you’re genuinely invested in this thing? “Hey Paul, why did you guys do Kiss Hello Kitty?” “Well, I watch the channel it’s on.” “Wow! That’s so inspiring!”
Also: “to yet another generation”? Does the use of the word “yet” suggest, I dunno, fatigue? I know I’m tired of this shit, but are the members of Kiss supposed to be equally over it?
Also also: what OTHER generation already had Kiss Hello Kitty? THE PRODUCTS DEBUTED LAST YEAR. This is the first, and GOD AL-FUCKING-MIGHTY WILLING, the last generation that has had Kiss Hello Kitty.
And again, fuck knows how many people had to approve Stanley’s statement and were just like “Yeah that works.” Seriously, they need to consider Gene and Paul Continue to Get Rich as a title.
ANYWAY, this is somehow still not the most embarrassing aspect of the Kiss x Hello Kitty line of merchandise. This is:
See now, if Gene’s face were actually ON the toilet paper, I might buy it. That way I could look at his visage, instantly need to shit uncontrollably and likely for several hours, and then wipe my ass with his image.