Cinemetal

Must-Watch Hilariously Awful Metal Video of the Day: Dead Rites’ “Ritual 13”

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I dunno who the fuck Dead Rites are or what the fuck is going on in this video, but it’s hilarious. The band sounds like an especially awful Danzig clone, and the video… I mean, I guess the basic concept is “Ladies Love Dead Rites”*, but then there’s all these random shots of band members and other people looking right into the camera (sometimes while in random masks), including, at one point, a woman torturing some poor baby by making it wear a sunflower on its head while holding an apple just out of its reach.

Also, even though the bass player is sitting down in some room, there’s wind blowing through his hair. Fuck does he think he is, Axel Rudi Pell?

*Because if there’s one thing we know women absolutely cannot get enough of, it’s overweight bald dudes. In his defense, the women who are for no discernible reason rubbing every part of his body except for his penis are not all that attractive. The woman making out with the rhythm guitarist in his bed is pretty cute, though, so I’m guessing the rhythm guitarist is either an incredibly funny and charming conversationalist, or is otherwise rich.

Thanks: Saul Hudson

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