The Top Five Most Hellacious Jobs in Metal, Presented by Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell [Sponsored Post]
From the demonic minds behind Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Squidbillies, and Stroker & Hoop comes Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell, a new series starring Henry Zebrowski as a demon working for the Devil (played by Matt Servitto, of The Sopranos fame ) in Hell (where else?). To celebrate the show’s premiere on Adult Swim tonight at midnight, MetalSucks now presents to you a list of The Five Most Hellacious Jobs in Metal. Being an employee of Satan might actually be preferable to these crappy gigs…
5) CRAFT SERVICES
Not every tour is lucky enough to have one of these unlucky bastards, but the big ones certainly do (we know because we once helped ourselves to some food backstage at one of the summer’s larger annual touring festivals). Can you imagine if your job was to prepare awful food and then serve that awful food to smelly, drunken musicians, fat union hands, and cranky managers, publicists, and, ahem, members of the press all day long? This is a profession that requires neither physical nor mental exertion. No wonder these guys always look like zombies.
4) MERCH GUY OR GAL
You have to keep careful track of the band’s merch and money made from said merch, which is super-important given that it’s the primary source of income for most bands; you have to keep that merchandise organized and folded, so you might as well work at The Gap, except that would allow you things like steady opportunities to bathe, a bed in which to sleep every night, health and dental care, etc.; and, oh yeah, you have to deal with stupid whiney metal fans night after night after night. Go ahead and leave that tip jar out all you like, too — no one is giving you a goddamn cent.
3) THE ROADIE WHOSE JOB IT IS TO RUN ON STAGE AND PICK UP THE MIC STAND WHENEVER THE SINGER KNOCKS IT OVER
Because 1) the singer is going to knock his mic stand over a LOT, so you’d better be in good shape, brah, and 2) you’re basically like a tennis ball boy, except the only reason you have a job is because the singer is a lazy prick.
2) VINCE NEIL’S VALET
1) VENUE BATHROOM CLEANER
Most metal post-show bathrooms make the toilet from Trainspotting look downright clean by comparison. Venue bathrooms, in fact, might make the single best argument that metalheads really are neanderthals (seriously, is everyone missing on purpose???). And then there’s the tsunami of drunken vomit left in the sinks to clean. You practically need a hazmat suit to even consider doing this job! We know a guy who once slipped and fell in the men’s room at a metal show; now he turns into a giant green monster when he loses his temper. This is, quite literally, the shittiest job in all of metal!