Question Of The Week: WWTAMD? (What Would The Atlas Moth Do?)
The most effective antidote to douchebag-ism is indifference or, under duress, fluffy good cheer. Really, when some turdlet is attempting to flex his sad widdle nuts on the internet or at your party, your total disregard is sure to enrage! Don’t explain. Don’t enlighten. Don’t engage. That’s how u disarm a ticking time bomb of misplaced anger and know-it-all bullshit — or that pathetic egomania of guys who write their names in big letters wherever they go.
But life is exceptions: Sometimes u just have to respond to weapons-grade fuckheadosity even when u have acknowledged that it shall lead to no lasting satisfaction. Kinda like one band’s sweet zing on the chubby bro from Emmure lol. Let’s lower ourselves to that childish tit-for-tat in today’s MS Question Of The Week!
Fearless. Controversial. Half-baked. We give it to you straight every Friday afternoon. Straight down to their petty level! Here’s this week’s question:
Inspired by The Atlas Moth’s defilement of Emmure-penned graffiti, we asked our staff the following:
U have just noticed some band artwork in a music venue’s high-traffic area. In disbelief at your good fortune, u notice that it’s created by a metal band which u have been just dying to zing in public. Which band is it?
Draw a big dripping boner of your own — right after our very mature replies below!
You would think that since I “zing” bands five days a week, I would find this idea rather passé. And yet I would love to add a more visual component to my literary work. I would actually like to do something like what The Atlas Moth did — adding crudely drawn phalluses to the signatures and logos of horrible bands — but I wouldn’t want to limit it to just one horrible band. Rather, I would fly around the world, going from venue to venue, defacing signatures and tags by every terrible band I could find, from Attila to Your Demise. And then, rather than just share all the photos on Instagram, I’d make a big coffee book and sell it for the lowest possible cost here on MetalSucks. I feel like our readers would really appreciate such an item, don’t you?
It’s not exactly an actual band, but their flyers are visible in any largish venue. They’re called All-Purpose Kinda Metal and/or Hardcore Band for Suburban Youths (or APKHBSY, an acronym just dying to be pronounced). They’re likely posing for their picture on the top of a rocky hill with a cloudy sky. At least 40% of them have their arms crossed. There’s one awkward fat guy there to humanize the other suaver members (which increases their chances to get laid). They’re all in their late-teens or early 20s and have a lot of tattoos (as they don’t consider the good chance that they’ll get dropped by their label in 18 months and have to get real jobs). They’re wearing brand-new band shirts and designer jeans. Their hair is either long, flat, crispy, or buzzed (usually a combination of all four). They have a look on their faces that captures a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie’s idea of “mean.” And most importantly, someone’s already drawn dicks all over their poster. And most likely within minutes of the venue putting it up. And said dicks don’t look that out of place.
Megadeth. I never really liked that band before — I don’t play guitar and hate whiny nasal vocals — and I fucking despise them now that I know frontman Dave Mustaine is a bible-thumping dickhead. I’d really just focus on turning whatever piece of Megadeth propaganda is present into what Dave hates. I’d cover it with drawings of Satanic imagery, burning Bibles, Adam and Steve tugging each other off, Obama/Biden logos, Kirk Hammett with a huge armful of Grammys, and people casually using drugs without fucking up their lives.
The more humorless and macho the target, the sweeter the satisfaction of adorning its face with huge veiny ballz! lol That’s why a pic of so earnest, so real, and so lulzy Phil Anselmo is never safe from my pen of immaturity. I did it most in his days of shirtless, flabby stalking and spitting that mandated a million more mosh-fascists and “strength upon strength” pussies; whatever else that achieves, it really baits vandals like me who react like “That shit is corny brah.” And thus, a scrotum on chin and shaft driving into mouth and frothy face-bound cloud of ejaculate on his every likeness. (I often pick his photographed nose with my computer’s little arrow thingy.) It makes me hate myself cuz should we meet, I’d throw my loving arms around him — fuck I love Pantera — but then would be doomed by my habit of calling him “Ansmellmo.” I’d punch me.
Nachtmystium, without a doubt. There are more mature ways to express my contempt for frontman Flake Judd, but who cares? Originally, I was thinking of stapling Stewart “Fester Bangs” Voegtlin’s takedown of their Addicts album á la Martin Luther, but The Left Hand Path domain expired a month ago. Now, I’m probably gonna be immature and draw needles. Or, I’ll pay a more talented artist to make a piece of a metal critic sucking Judd off, emphasis on the veins.
DAVID LEE ROTHMUND
Fucking Manowar. Okay, so their tunes are decisively epic in their own right, but nothing would spank their high-pitched raindancing bollocks more than the face of their album art mascot replaced with a big ol’ hairy horse sack. I mean, just look at the guy — he summons lightning while holding American flags and has a 40-pack set of abs, so the only thing missing is a poorly-drawn equine jewel case right where his pimpled head should be. Just hopefully he doesn’t jump out of the picture all fairy-tale style and start slapping asses around. You’d need an armored dump truck and a priest to stop that motherfucker, just sayin’.