Rob Zombie Says He’s Done Making Horror Movies, I Say He’s Full of Poop

Rob Zombie has declared that The Lords of Salem, his most recent directorial outing, ” is my last sort of horror-genre related film for a really long time.” I actually kinda wish he were telling the truth, because his last three horror movies were all terrible (and Salem shat the bed at the box office, which is extra-funny because it sparked a bidding war amongst distributors last year — the guys who lost were probably really pissed at the time, but in hindsight, they dodged an armor-piercing bullet). It’s entirely possible that he’d have more luck in another genre… say, comedy. I mean, those movies are all hilarious. Unintentionally so, but still hilarious.

Alas, I’d wager that Zombie is full of it, and will be back to making horror flicks in no time. Here’s my reasoning:

• Rob Zombie statements are not reliable. Remember when he swore he’d never make a second Halloween movie? Uh-huh. He changed his mind just a year later. So it’s a little hard to take any grand declarations seriously. He just doesn’t have the track record for it.
• Rob Zombie has failed to get non-horror projects off the ground in the past. Zombie apparently insists he’s now going to concentrate on his hockey biopic, Broad Street Bullies. But let’s keep in mind that he previously announced a non-horror flick, Tyrannosaurus Rex, which was to be released in August of 2009. The movie, you may have noticed, was never released or even filmed. But you know what did come out in August of 2009? Rob Zombie’s Halloween II. In fact, it came out the exact day that Tyrannosaurus Rex was scheduled for release. So yeah.
• Did I mention that The Lords of Salem flopped? You might think this would lead investors to decide not to let the guy have any more money to make movies in the same genre. But what it really means is that the easiest gig for Zombie to get now will be a return to his biggest box office success — namely, the insipid Halloween reboot series. (And the fact that efforts on the part of producers to get a new Halloween movie up and running have totally failed means they’re probably chomping at the bit to reunite with Mr. Zombie.) In fact, Zombie hinted that he might return to that franchise on his Facebook page as recently as this past Sunday. I don’t know how you would read this comment as anything other than a teaser for a “big announcement” about the next film in the Zombiween saga:
  

• And finally: HIS NAME IS ROB ZOMBIE. I know that seems a little obvious, but c’mon, brah: you have forever tied yourself to a particular genre with that one. Hollywood already loves to pigenhole directors — it took Wes Craven almost thirty years to get a non-horror movie made, and guess what? He returned to horror immediately thereafter. And he doesn’t even share a name with a famous breed of the undead. No one is gonna hire Rob Zombie to remake …When Harry Met Sally anytime soon.

Of course, Zombie could prove me wrong — like I said, I hope he does prove me wrong.

But I suspect that he won’t.