Noisey Vs. MetalSucks

Korny 4 Eva

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Jonathan Davis Eats Shit

Welcome to Noisey Vs. MetalSucks, a bi-weekly column in which the staff of Noisey and the staff of MetalSucks will engage in vigorous academic debate concerning some of extreme music’s most relevant topics of the day. For this week’s edition, MetalSucks’ own Axl Rosenberg does battle with Noisey’s Jon Wiederhorn on the subject of whether or not it matters that Head has returned to Korn. Read Axl’s position below, then head over to Noisey to check out Jon’s counter-argument. Enjoy!

Yeah, Korn will be better with Head than they were without him. Breaking your foot is better than having to get it amputated, too. Still, how often do you ever hear someone say, “Gee, I sure do wish my foot was broken!”? Maybe if they’re trying to get out of the army? I would pretend to like Korn if it would prevent me from having to go to war.

This band is the musical equivalent of the smell of hot garbage in the summer. Their only redeeming quality is that sometimes they’re not playing. That’s it. A simple necessity dictated by nature is the only good thing about these fucks.

Let’s pretend, for the sake of argument, that Head is worth a damn as a musician and a songwriter. So? Is he going to play bass for the band now? Because Fieldy is ridiculous. He’s gotta be one of the worst professional bassists in the history of music. Remeber when Korn covered Metallica’s “One”? Listened to that performance lately? Christ on the cross! It’s hard to believe that anyone allows Fieldy to play in front of people. (David Silvera’s drum performance is insanely sloppy, too, but we can ignore that for now given that he’s no longer in the band.)

Is Head gonna play Munky’s leads for him? ‘Cause that dude sounds like he’s been playing for a week and has broken fingers:

Is Head going to start writing the lyrics for the band? Because Jonathan Davis does nothing but bitch about white people problems in the whiniest, shittiest doing-Mike-Patton-at-karaoke voice imaginable. Take, for example, “Right Now,” a song about going through menopause…

I’m feeling mean today.
Not lost, not thrown away.
Just irritated and quite hated.
Self control breaks down.

…or his PEN/Voelcker Award-winning “Ass Itch,” in which he details the horrors of not having to work for a living…

I hate writing shit, it is so stupid. What’s my problem today?

…or “Getting Off,” in which he attempts to express sexual frustration to a lover…

Bitch we have got a problem
It’s not enough to be hitting it

…or “Kunt,” which, amazingly, was not written by an eight year old trying to entertain himself during math class:

Fuck you titty suckin’ two balled bitch
with a fat green clit
my big cornhoto bitch
oh shit, fucking ass licking
piss sucking cunt
these nuts on your lips
kentucky fried kung-pao clits

Davis’ constant bellyaching about nothing even vaguely important was annoying when he was twenty-three and the band released their first album, but now that he’s forty-two and, oh yeah, rich? What. A fucking. LOSER.

And how will Head convince anyone that the band isn’t completely full of shit? Keep in mind that these are guys who used to dress like rejects from a boy band…

Korn New Kids 1

Korn HansonKorn New Kids 2

…and now they wear eyeliner and black leather and I don’t really know what the fuck they think they’re doing:

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But, oh yeah, Head is gonna make this all go away. Gimme a fuckin’ break.

Let’s conclude with the song Korn inspired Ben Folds to write, shall we? At least then, none of us will have any shitty Korn music stuck in our heads.

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