Tour de Force

History’s Crappiest Metal Package Tour Being Turned Into One-Day Festival

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family values tourIn case you’re lucky enough to somehow have no prior knowledge of The Family Values Tour, I’ll describe this skyscraper-sized nightmare for you: it was basically like any other massive package tour (Ozzfest, Warped, Lillith Fair, etc.), only it was started by Korn, which pretty much tells you everything you need to know right there. Occasionally, a good band like Rammstein or the Deftones would lose a game of foosball to Ghost and be forced to appear on the bill, but for the most part, it was populated with drek like Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, Orgy, and a host of other acts that make a strong argument for the extinction of the human race. Just look at some of these tour posters! They’re about as appealing as a Danny DeVito/Rhea Pearlman sex tape:

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Note how the quote of endorsement isn't actually attributed to anyone.
Note how the quote of endorsement isn’t actually attributed to anyone.

In fact, the only nice thing I can think to say about this wretched tour is that it led to one of the most hilarious of instances of Fred Durst inserting himself into someone else’s spotlight, ruining Staind’s otherwise perfectly-mediocre “Outside”:

So at some point in the past five or six years, this horrid piece-of-shit tour finally died the death it deserved. But when there’s no more room in Hell, then the dead shall walk the earth, and now this thing is coming back as a one-day-only festival on Saturday, Blowmeifyoucarewhattheactualdateis, 2013. Here’s a commercial for the fest, which trades on fans’ nostalgia for Family Values’ heyday, when their balls hung not quite so low and selling women’s shoes was just supposed to be a summer job, by only including ONE of the five confirmed acts for this year’s show:

The four artists not included in the above video, in case you’re curious, are Hollywood Undead, Asking Alexandria, MGK, and Beware of Darkness. So that sounds like it should be about as much fun as having your legs cut off and being forced to drag yourself to the closest hospital for help.

[via Metal Insider and The PRP]

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