A Game of Thrones

What Kind of Metal Would Each House on Game of Thrones Most Enjoy?

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Game of Thrones MetalChanging the clocks back an hour officially means winter is here, at least for me. Now I don’t know about you nerds, but I’m already wearing my House Stark scarf and secretly stalking Lena Headey’s Instagram for pictures from the set of a truly metal show (at least according to D.X.Ferris). So, in celebration of winter and, ah, only five more months until the premiere of Game of Thrones season 4, I thought it would be simply the bear’s teats to inform you what kind of metal each house ascribes too.

You’d think some other brilliant music blogger has already done this but alas, it turns out no one is as exceedingly out of ideas on things to write about as I am. (Or rather, I’m just brilliant.) There was that one thing a quick Google search brought up but it’s so worthless, I’d rather not mention it. Actually, I would. Uproxx’s article is so completely off the mark that they should be ashamed. Have you even watched an episode? Jesus.

So without further ado, let’s herald in winter.

House Stark: You’d think with all that grimness up north they’d listen to black metal. Nope. Ned Stark is infamous for his sense of honor and duty. Though they live in, er, stark surroundings, the Starks have a very strict code they stick to. The Starks are hard-working and plain folk with no time for frills and nothing to prove to anyone. They’d probably politely say they’re just into heavy metal, but I can see their house band being Motörhead. Except Arya. She’s awesome and my favorite and she definitely listens to Girlschool. Starks are speed metal because they’re quick thinking and well, everyone likes them.

House Lannister: Cool, elegant, manipulative and always put-together, the Lannisters are technical death metal. There is no sloppiness or improvisation to their actions. Only carefully written out evil. They particularly enjoy Decapitated.

House Baratheon: King Robert is a drunk-ass thrash kid. Large, destroying everything in his path, and generally being a nuisance, can’t you just picture him as the quintessential “SLAAAAYYEEEEER”-yelling thrash dude? Stannis is the strong, silent type that just stands at the back of venues with his arms crossed, denim vest pristine, frowning. Renly just likes Municipal Waste and begs his older brothers to let him come to shows with them.

House Targaryen: Dragons do not automatically equal power metal. We’re digging deeper with this article, really examining the house dynamics and psyche. The Targaryens were a bloodthirsty, incestuous lot that probably didn’t have any sense of humor. They are the black metal fans. Blackened metal, hur hur. But seriously, they’re the Aryan pride team.

House Tyrell: House Tyrell is clearly power metal. All show and no substance, yet still pretty fun. And no, I am not making a cheap jab at Loras’ sexuality. The Queen of Thorns’ favorite band is probably Helloween. She wants out for sure.

House Greyjoy: The Greyjoys are too far away from the mainland and so they all have something off about them, like they haven’t quite understood what it means to interact with humans that don’t belong to their particular tribe. Plus, everyone else thinks they’re kind of weird, too. So they are the industrial metal folk.

Varys: Not really a head of a household but we can’t leave him out, can we? Varys and his simpering and willingness to suit whatever is around him is some kind of metalcore. He wants to play with the big boys but he’s missing his, uh, y’know.

Littlefinger: Also not a house, but can’t very well skip him either. Littlefinger has carved a niche out for himself, and yet no one really likes him. They know his role in the scheme of things, yet wish they could forget about him. Thus, Littlefinger is the nu-metal fan. Of course, he would deny any affection or affinity for the genre.

House Tully: Before Lady Catelyn switched allegiance to the Starks, she belonged to the Tullys, the very people you could say started the chain reaction of events that followed. They’d be in to Deep Purple and Led Zeppelin, the firsts.

House Arryn: House of Too Much Attachment Parenting is prog/experimental/avante garde weirdo metal. They are clearly not listening to anything that makes sense in the crazy world of Lysa and Robert.

House Frey: Grindcore. Violent and nasty and occasionally political.

House Martell: They’re off in Dorne with their cool clothes and flashy snake nicknames just thinking they’re all hot shit. The Martell princesses and the Viper definitely love their hair metal.

House Bolton: Doom. Sludgey, gross doom with crust punk thrown in there as they go about their daily flaying.

The Brotherhood: Pagan, folk/Viking metal seems a little obvious, but eh, I’m not their hugest fan so why not give them that. Melisandre could probably play the hurdy-gurdy.

The Clegane Brothers: Grunge. They don’t fucking listen to metal, get outta here with that horseshit. But Sandor likes some Hawkwind for sure. That’s why he and Arya get along.

Jorah Mormont: He’s just off in his corner writing power ballads for Daenerys.

Brienne of Tarth: Brienne just listens to the opening of Judas Priest’s “Painkiller” on repeat.

The Dothraki: Melodic death metal. They’re sweeping, they’re grand, they’re fucking impressive and more than a little pretty but can transition really quickly into death growls and destruction.

The Wall: Doom metal. It’s the end of the line. It’s cold, they’re celibate, just give up already. There’s nothing to look forward to except the slow plodding march towards death. Oh, and wishy-washy Jon Snow probably crying while listening to shoegaze. Or Ghost.

The Wildlings: NWOBHM. They’re the new wave; they’re going to bring in the new world order. Pummeling, punching, and taking no prisoners. Oh, and wishy-washy Jon Snow probably crying while listening to shoegaze. Or Ghost.

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