Exclusive Excerpt from the Personal Diary of Tim Lambesis
April 8, 2014
Well, Tim guesses it’s official: As I Lay Dying is over. The other members of the band have been teasing a new project. Tim suspects they are going to announce the dissolution of AILD soon. Tim is worried they might even say something bad about him. They’re nice guys, and Tim knows it’s all his fault that he’s in this situation, but still. Given how angry everyone is at Tim, and how (he admits!) fucked-up what he did was, the band might feel compelled to distance themselves from Tim.
Even worse, Tim fears that this could add to all the negative publicity Tim has received recently. It will basically look like they fired Tim, hired a new guy, and changed the name of the band. All while poor Tim gets thrown into the clink.
But Tim has a solution: he’s going to release a statement ON BEHALF OF THE WHOLE BAND! Sure, why not? Tim is still the only one with access to As I Lay Dying’s official website. Tim can just put out a few paragraphs to change the public’s perception from “Tim got fired” to “Tim doesn’t wanna do AILD right now and we’re okay with that.” Tim can even make it sound like the other members of the band aren’t other members of the band anymore, and emphasize how much of the songwriting he did himself, so that if he wants to try and continue AILD when he’s done with his prison term, he can just Axl Rose it. (Tim understands the value of branding.) Okay, so Tim can’t do anything about Jordan, who technically owns as much of the band as Tim does. But Tim will make Jordan sound really cool and be all “Hey, Jordan wants to write more and so so he’s gonna do his thing with the other dudes and some other other dude.” Tim is positive Jordan won’t mind if it kinda sounds like Tim is saying that Jordan didn’t actually write much on the other albums. Jordan is a good dude.
Tim also plans to make grand statements about the faith of everyone in the band, so people will cut it out with this “Tim’s crime was even worse when you consider that he’s supposed to be a Christian” thing.
Now, Tim does feel a little bit bad about one thing: he found out the identity of the singer the guys are working with now, and he plans to include that info in the statement. Tim knows this might make Jordan, Nick, Phil and Josh a little sore, since they probably wanted to release that information themselves. But Tim is in a tight spot! And you know what they say: “When you’re in a tight spot, try to find someone to kill the person putting you in that spot. If that fails, just fake it ’til you make it.”
Tim feels confident that this plan is going to work. Once the statement is on the band’s official website, what will the other guys be able to do? It’s not like they can just tell people that they had nothing to do with the statement! It’s on their official website! IT’S OFFICIAL!!!
Thanks, as always, for listening to Tim, diary. He feels much better now. He feels like you may be his only friend!!!