Axl Rosenberg’s Former Assistant Wrote A Tell-All Book

The readership of this fine website knows me by my title, but before I was Emperor of anything, I was just young Kelly Rhombus, a boy from Hoboken with a love for metal journalism and  nothing to lose. But times were hard in the barren wasteland of the mid-to-late 2000s; the economy collapsed, the US was in a bullshit oil-grabbing war with Iraq, and there were people out there getting Atreyu tattoos. And during that dark time, the only job I could find was as personal assistant to MetalSuck co-founder and noted cannabis enthusiast Axl Rosenberg.

As I detail in Completely Unreadable: An Unrequested Account of How A Typical Jersey Jackoff Like Myself Survived Years of Blogging with MetalSucks, The Rules of Nu-Metal, Crazed Commenters, Rings of Saturn, and Other Exploits with One of the Highest Jewish Journalists of All Time, I spent multiple years of my life cleaning up messes and taking bong hits at gunpoint under the tutelage of Mr. Rosenberg and, to a lesser extent, his partner Mr. Neilstein. Among the notable exploits detailed in my book are the following:

• The time Axl got thrown out of the Rainbow for asking how much Lemmy charged for a “wart ride.”
• The recipe for Axl’s trademark dish, ‘Liver McRaisinet.’
• Axl’s “Cloud Extermination System,” where the blogger would lay on his back in a playground pissing at the sky and cackling to himself for hours.
• Axl’s battles on the astral plane against Frankie Palimeri’s Thanos Reinz, in the form of his own mystic avatar Mayor McCheez.
• The fateful night Sammy O’Hagar fucked all that raw chicken.
• The time a Ukrainian blogger thought it would be best to hire every dwarf in the area to show up at Axl’s hotel room naked, resulting in three dozen nude little people swarming Axl (swiftly followed by Axl’s Cloud Extermination System).

But perhaps the highlight of the book is the following story:

“Just before his appearance at the first Scion Rock Fest in Atlanta, Axl contacted Rhombus and demanded dinner. Specifically, he wanted a bowl of Matzo ball soup and a little hummus.

“In his heart, Rhombus was shitting his pants. He knew that failure to fulfill Rosenberg’s exact order would cause the blogger to refuse to cover the show, as well as post something about how Rhombus chugged dicks. Frantically, he called room service, and though his Southern wasn’t great, explained to them the concept of Jew food.

“An hour later, he was called and told that the food had arrived. When Rhombus came outside, he found a huge yellow SUV waiting for him, out of which came Varg Vikernes, who proceeded to teabag a steaming bow of broth. It seemed that the hotel clerk on the other line had brought them Nazi ball soup in Hummers.

“Quickly thinking, Rhombus hopped behind the wheel of the gas-guzzler and repeatedly ran over the Burzum mainman, smashing his pelvis into a thousand pieces.

“When Axl emerged, Rhombus explained his actions. Appreciative of the situation, Axl squeezed into his leather pants and made it to the show without eating lunch.”

You can buy Completely Unreadable right here.