Randy Burnt His Blythe
This has apparently been on Randy Blythe’s Instagram account for a full week, and yet, somehow, everyone seems to have missed it. Which is SHOCKING. Because, forget his arrest, imprisonment, and trial in the Czech Republic — this is truly the most traumatic, most horrific ordeal Blythe has ever been through.
“WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST IS OF A GRAPHIC PERSONAL NATURE & CONTAINS A TALE OF ABJECT MISERY. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I’M POSTING THIS. I MUST BE HIGH FROM PAIN STILL. There are moments of extreme physical pain in some of our lives that we will never, ever, forget. Tonight I had one of those moments ([the accompanying] picture I took of my friends Jimmy & Mike of EYEHATEGOD has NOTHING to do with this story, but I needed a photo & they do have a record called “Take As Needed For Pain”). The sun was setting & it was beautiful evening as I road along the coast to the grocery store, still in my surf trunks & sipping on a fresh mug of boiling hot black coffee. I was listening to some mellow piano music & making a right turn when I made the tragic mistake placing the mug between my barely covered legs. As I turned my truck, happily humming along to the mellow piano music on my stereo, suddenly there was a searing white hot explosion of agony in my crotch. The lid of my mug had come loose, and liquid caffeinated FIRE had covered my, well…it had covered my penis. I briefly lost control of my truck, swerving into the lane of oncoming traffic, barely missing another truck, before quickly pulling into a nearby parking lot to try & make some sense of this atrocity I had committed against myself. I felt like I was going to throw up for a good minute or two, then I regained control & started returning home to do what I knew what I had to do. I had to put him on ice. I do not normally talk to my penis, he does not have a nickname or anything like that, but if there ever was a time for encouraging words to my lifelong companion, it was now. The words I said out loud to him as I painfully drove us slowly home went along these lines: OH GOD, DUDE. OH MY GOD, THAT HURT LIKE HOLY FUCK. HANG IN THERE DUDE. OH GOD, HANG IN THERE. WE’RE GONNA MAKE IT. DON’T GIVE UP HOPE. OH MY GOD, DUDE. OH GOD, HANG IN THERE, BRO. I must have looked like a crazy man. When I hit home, he went in a glass of ice water for a bit. He will recover, I have faith. Go ahead & laugh- everyone else I’ve told did, including my wife. This day is now a wash. Goodnight.”
Dude, why would anyone laugh at that story? That’s like laughing about The Holocaust! That shit is HORRIBLE!!! On behalf of everyone at MetalSucks: our thoughts and prayers are with Randy and his penis at this time. Get well soon, brutha!
In semi-related news, Lamb of God have announced that their next album will be titled As the Penises Burn. No word on a release date yet, but we do have the album art: