Vicious Vacation

Ozzy Osbourne Promises Total Boredom, Playful Racism at New Festival

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ozzsiestaThe Osbournes are reviving Ozzfest… sort of. Metal’s first couple have announced a five-day event to take place in May at the Hard Rock Hotel in Riviera Maya, Mexico. The event is called Ozzfiesta. Because it’s in Mexico. Get it?

So, okay, fine, silly name aside, five days is a long time. Fans can probably expect a cavalcade of stars playing multiple sets over the course of that time, in the same vein as those increasingly-popular metal cruises, right? Okay, so tell the fans what they have in store, Press Release!

“OZZFIESTA will conclude with an intimate beachside closing night performance from OZZY. Other OZZFIESTA highlights include a dinner party hosted by Sharon Osbourne (included in select room packages), an opening night ‘Welcome Party’ featuring a special acoustic set by Zakk Wylde, a Q&A session with OZZY OSBOURNE and his band, a Black Label Society full concert, a Comedy Club Night with stand up sets from Jim Norton and Jim Florentine, a Charity Golf Tournament benefitting The Sharon Osbourne Colon Cancer Program, Osbourne Movie Nights and much more.”

While it’s good know that the event will conclude with a closing night performance — y’know, as opposed to concluding with an opening night performance — the fact that there’s only two bands seems kinda lame, and it gets even lamer once you realize that BLS and Ozzy’s solo band are basically the same thing. (“I’m delighted that Ozzy’s former guitarist’s name gets dropped in the press release 100% more time than mine does!” commented Gus G.) And what the fuck is an Osbourne Movie Night? Are they just gonna screen Little Nicky and Private Parts and whatever other movies have Ozzy cameos? Will Ozzy and Sharon talk over the whole movie, kinda like Mystery Science Theater 3000, only with a confused old British guy? (“Who’s that? Where’s he? What’s going on?!?”)

Of course, there will also be the usual resort-vacation shit to keep you occupied…

“The resort boasts Heaven at the Hard Rock Hotel Riviera Maya a ‘resort within the resort’ exclusive to adult guests, which features three adults-only pools and a private beach on the serene waters of the Caribbean Sea surrounded by the natural sea cove.  The luxurious location also offers two family pools and a private white sand beach nestled along the warm waters of the Caribbean Sea, a world-class 18-hole Robert von Hagge-designed golf course, nine on-site restaurants (ranging from casual to international gourmet selections) and 24-hour room service, top-shelf alcoholic beverages in six bars, a teen ‘backstage’ lounge, the Little Big Club™ Experience children’s area with interactive play rooms and activities and playrooms, complimentary Wi-Fi in rooms and throughout the resort property, unlimited phone calls to the continental U.S. and Canada.  In addition, each room booked includes a $750 resort credit (which can be used for spa treatments, massages, golf and much more). “

…so this is basically like Club Med with some Ozzy-related stuff thrown in. Which isn’t so silly, I guess. I do do appreciate that they’ve set aside some adults-only pools for the swingers, and that they’re gathering all of the teenagers in one spot. When I go on these kinds of trips, sometimes it can be hard to tell who’s jailbait and who’s not. But now I can just go directly to the jailbait.

Ozzfiesta will take place from May 27-May 31. If you’re three years old or younger, tickets are only $100!!! You can get more details here.

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