Friday 5

Friday 5: Happy Holidays (The Sport Is War)

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Happy Friday, MetalSucks reader! Welcome to MetalSucks Friday 5, our awesome series that appears every Friday (duh) on MetalSucks (duhh) and involves the quantity of five (duhhh).

Here’s how it works: A list of best/worst/weirdest/whatever five somethings is posted by one of your beloved MetalSucks contributors or by one of our buds (like you?). Then you, our cherished reader, checks it out, has a chuckle, then chimes in with a list of the same. No sweat, just whatever springs to mind, k? (Just like that movie about those losers working at a Chicago record store!) After all, it’s Friday — the day dedicated by the gods to mindless, fun time-wasting. Today let’s survive the holidays the only way we know!

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THE FIVE

Five Awesome Holiday Jams For When The Family Stereo Is Unguarded This Holiday Season

THE LISTER

Anso DFMetalSucks Senior Editor

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1. “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” by Stephen Pearcy, Tracii Guns, Bob Kulick, Billy Sheehan, Gregg Bisonette
2008

You’ve secretly linked up to the sound system at your aunt’s, and now you’re in charge of the holiday music that fills the house. Muahaha. Your thumb hovers over a few super-heavy holiday jams, but you pass on the ones by Christopher Lee (which would scare your tiny cousins), by Halford (would scare your tiny grandparents), and ones by Hate Eternal’s bassist (would prompt a half-dozen accidental shittings). That leaves a few metal holiday jams that don’t sicken you. Some are classics, some originals. A good segue from the four hours of tired old carols might be a wry standard by Ratt’s singer, two um guitarists, and David Lee Roth’s old rhythm section. Let’s start there.

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2. “Deck The Halls” by Twisted Sister
2006

Twisted Sister’s Twisted Christmas is patient zero for heavy versions of holiday standards. Parts of it are pretty cute and exuberant enough to succeed on good will. That’s what the holiday season is all about lol.

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3. “Naughty, Naughty Christmas” by Danger Danger
2002

Danger Danger’s hit “Naughty Naughty” is extremely dumb and embarrasses the shit out of me. But in the first-ever occurrence of a holiday redux surpassing its source material, DD’s “Naughty Naughty Christmas” is adorable and awesome. A complete reversal. Like a fart in the face followed by a free pizza. I can’t think of a more charming song. Way too charming for the soundtrack to The Santa Clause 2. An ace!

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4. “Happy Holiday” by Enuff Z’Nuff
1992

Not a holiday song so much as an awesome jam set during the merry season, Enuff Z’Nuff’s “Happy Holiday” might not qualify for today’s F5 but shit on it, this jam is profound. Way too deep for the soundtrack to Home Alone 2: Lost In New York. Beautiful!

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5. “Christmas With The Devil” by Spinal Tap
2000

Until Steel Panther, this holiday jam was the most overqualified novelty song ever! “Christmas With The Devil” freaking slams, so the jig is up once it plays. Save it for last, for your treachery can’t remain undetected too far past that first solo (rips). But block any attempts to pull your plug, cuz its monster second act is the definition of a miracle. Have a great holiday everybody!

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