Mark for War

Mark For War: Ring Raff

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One thing I’ve been very stoked about since I began writing this blog several months ago is the impromptu wrestling conversations I’ve had with people on the fly.

Last week, some random dude came up to me and said, “Hey Gobbo, what do you think about Riff Raff becoming a wrestler?”

I had no clue what he was talking about.  

Later that night, I saw a Vice magazine piece pop up in my Facebook feed about Riff Raff training to be a pro wrestler. If you don’t know who Riff Raff is, watch this before continuing:

For those that don’t know, Riff Raff is a pretty popular rapper wrapped up in that whole “rich white kids who like to party” scene (basically, the only genre of music that currently makes money).

Before I continue, I should say that I don’t like Riff Raff’s music. I think I’ve heard two of his songs and it’s not my thing. But I’m by no means “hating” on him, as the kids say. If any of you guys like him, more power to ya.

Now, as we all know, the more money and popularity you have, the more the world is your oyster. Riff Raff is super rich and super popular at this point. Now that’s he’s peaking, it makes sense that any nonsensical dreams of his he’d attempt to realize, at our expense. It’s no different than Scarlet Johansson making a Tom Waits-style record once she became an A-Lister. (Great record, by the way.)

Apparently, one of Riff Raff’s lifelong dreams is to become a pro wrestler. Dude’s always been super skinny, but lately has been bulking up for his apparent wrestling training. According to the Vice video above, he’s apparently renounced cocaine and molly to train. He also consumes insane amounts of food every day (also seen in the clip above) to fuel said training.

By the looks of him in the Vice video, his training is working. Dude is looking swole!  However, we all know that a good body alone wont get you in the ring (otherwise I would have made it there by now). You have to actually get fucking trained as a wrestler and find out how to, you know, wrestle.

Here’s the rub: Riff Raff apparently is actually getting trained at this point by a legit presence in the wrestling world. Guy by the name of Hulk Hogan. Here’s a video SPIN dropped a month ago about it:

Now, this is where I begin to roll my eyes at this whole Riff Raff/wrestling thing. Hulk rules, don’t get me wrong… but as a trainer? Come on! Hogan training a wannabe wrestler would be like a wannabe metal drummer getting trained by Lars Ulrich (who I also think rules, by the way). Riff Raff would be better off getting trained by some dude who trains these workhorses coming out in the indie scene these days, or by basically anyone that has wrestled a legit match in the last decade.

Now, it’s probably a childhood fantasy of RR’s to get trained by Hulk Hogan. But also, Riff Raff is no dummy when it comes to promotion and getting to where he needs to be. He knows that Hogan is a direct pipeline to the WWE. He’s worshipped in WWE, and by the WWE Universe. Plus, let’s be honest, Hogan’s had money problems over the years. He’s sort of an easy mark if you’re willing to pay for his skills. He’s the only untouchable A-list wrestler you’d find at a bike rally charging $150 bucks to take a Polaroid with him.

On second thought, maybe he is the perfect trainer for Riff Raff, a dude who’s probably looking to wrestle MAYBE a gimmick match or two against a low card wrestler, and not want to one day challenge Brock Lesnar for the strap.

I started to think, is it possible for this dude to actually make his way in to the  other side of the WWE Universe? Like clockwork, I saw this clip of the Miz recently talking shit about Riff Raff at the airport.

I don’t know what’s real or fixed in the world of TMZ. This could have been planned to build up something between The Miz and Riff Raff in WWE. But if not, and I were The Miz, I’d be talking the bookers’ ears off to get Riff Raff in the mix for a one-off at a PPV. The hype would be big and actually help build Miz’s Hollywood character. Not to mention, we all kind of realize that Miz may not make it back to any legit title hunt for awhile. Miz may have to rely on weird gimmick matches in order to tread water until the main event picture is ready for him again. Picking spots like this could be perfect for him.

This year’s Summerslam comes to us from the New York/New Jersey. Something tells me Riff Raff will be in the mix at this event, and we’re all going to have to live with it. Celebrity/pro wrestling crossover matches are fun. We’re due for one, and I think Raff would be the first in line for a shot.

Fuck it. I’d watch it.

Match of the Week: Workaholics: Front Yard Wrestling (Season 5, Episode 2)

This week, I should have dug in to the history of celeb wrestling matches and dropped my fave on you. (Maybe K-Fed vs. Cena on Raw several years back?) But instead, I’m going to tell you to watch this past week’s episode of Comedy Central’s Workaholics (once again, Hollywood showing their love of wrestling). I don’t watch the show, but my sister demanded I watch this week’s episode (she’d already seen it). It’s about the Workaholics starting a backyard wrestling federation, in their front yard, to pay their delinquent rent. Their landlord, played by Ben Stiller, wrestles as well and takes a table bump at the end. It’s worth the watch for that alone. Follow it with Reality Bites, and you’ve got yourself a good night.

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