Seven Things Your Father’s Brother’s Nephew’s Cousin’s Former Roommate Needs to Know About Blind Guardian
1. No One in the Band is Actually Blind
Although many people assume that the members Blind Guardian are blind because the word “blind” appears in their name, they all have perfect 20/20 vision, save for guitarist André Olbrich, who wears contacts lenses for nearsightedness.
2. They Were Sued for One of their Album Titles
In 1989, Blind Guardian released their sophomore album, Follow the Blind. Shortly thereafter, sixteen-year-old German fan Volker Pritzl-Probus did, indeed, follow a blind person, Anna Gottschalk — directly into traffic, where he was run over by a truck and paralyzed from the neck down for live. He subsequently attempted — but ultimately failed — to sue Blind Guardian for the cost of his medical bills.
3. One of their Original Members Plays with Dolls
Original Blind Guardian guitarist Markus Dörk left the band, appropriately enough considering his unfortunate name, to pursue a career in ventriloquism. He hasn’t been heard from since.
4. Hansi Gets Handsy
In a 2003 interview, then-drummer Thomas “Thomen” Stauch said of vocalist Hansi Kürsch, “Ach mein gott! You have to be careful around Hansi when he drinks. He starts trying to fuck everything. I once watched him make love to a Subway sandwich! I think it was a ham sandwich.”
5. They Fired a Member Because His Name Was Too Hard to Spell
Guitarist Christof Theißen joined and left the band in 1986 — because journalists found his name to be a pain in the ass to type. “You have to keep in mind, this was in the day of typewriters,” Kürsch said in 1997 interview with Umlaut Quarterly. “The guys at Hit Parader said, ‘We’ve already got to deal with Kürsch. We are not covering this band if we have to figure out how to type Cristof’s name.’ So he had to go.”
6. They REALLY Love Animals
Guitarist Marcus Siepen is one of the world’s leading activists for B.E.A.S.T. (Bestial Emotion and Sexual Tinglings), a bestiality-rights group. Last year, at a TED conference, he suggested that animal lovers such as himself might be able to get around anti-bestiality laws via the use of robotic pets:
7. No One in the Band is Actually a Guardian
None of the members of Blind Guardian have children — because they’re all virgins. “Do you think playing this shit ever gets us laid???” Olbrich asked rhetorically in a 2012 interview with The Nation. “Rob Halford gets more pussy than we do. We’ve made some serious sacrifices to make the music we love!” Indeed!
