Everyone's Replaceable

Six Singers Even We Wouldn’t Wish Mushroomhead On

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In case you missed it, Mushroomhead Singer #2 Waylon Reavis has left the band, leaving a gaping void in the metal world. Obviously, Mushroomhead fans — all six of them — are beside themselves with grief, but once they finish wiping their tears with their rebel flags, they’ll probably be asking the big question: who’s going to fill Reavis’ shoes?

We here at MetalSucks, meanwhile, have a different question on our minds: who is enough of a bastard that they should be punished by being one of the vocalists in Mushroomhead? That life isn’t one we’d wish upon our worst enemy, and we wish lots of terrible misfortunes on dudes like Ronnie Radke all the time. We can’t possibly imagine anyone shitty enough that we’d sentence them to even a year of playing to Slipknot fanbase rejects behind a Slipknot-derivative mask with a Confederate flag plastered on it. That’s just too cruel.

For example, here’s a list of six singers who we deeply dislike, but who even we wouldn’t wish Mushroomhead upon. Hopefully, these poor bastards will never have to know the Hell that is sharing the stage with a dude who calls himself Schmotz.

Varg Vikernes

1. Varg Vikernes

Sure, Varg is the biggest putz in metal and deserves to suffer for that, and the guys in Mushroomhead share his passion for racial insensitivity. And hey, given Vikernes’ track record, maybe he’d murder his bandmates! But Varg’s lilly-white flesh has only ever had to endure prison in Norway, which has an incredibly high standard of living. Imagine putting that sheltered snowflake in Cleveland making bad goth-rap-core with these assholes. It’d be a massacre.

 

Ted Nugent State of the Union

2. Ted Nugent

The rebel flag connection is certainly one that would unite Mushroomhead and the Nuge, but Mushroomhead’s music has hip-hop and nu-metal influences in it. Christ, the band has a sampler in their roster. The strain of having to learn about all that hippity hoppity saggy pants music would just be too much for Ted’s traditional sensibilities, and he might have a heart attack. Poor old grampa.

Blake Judd Mugshot

3. Blake Judd

Blake’s a lying, thieving junkie with no regard for his fans, so some might say a few years doing time in Mushroomhead would be good for him. But as shitty as he may be as a person, Judd is a solid musician who created some amazing albums with Nachtmystium. Wasting his creativity on a band this terrible isn’t just punishing him, it’s punishing us. Let the guy do the time he should — in prison and rehab. But nothing as awful as this.

Vince Neil then and now

4. Vince Neil

Vince Neil is such a douche he gives douches a bad name. But that dude can’t share a radio interview with Metallica much less a stage with two other singers. Having to hide that gorgeous mug from the world at large in a band once featuring Pig Benis is a fate not even we would want him to endure. Let the old man organize his reunion tour in peace.

blackmetalfrontmen

5. Any African American Metal Singer

Even if the new frontman was suuuper open-minded, I just wouldn’t want them to have to endure the awkward conversations that would no doubt ensue. Hey, dude, you’re cool, right? ‘Cause it just means heritage, and you know, REAL rebellion. It’s not about smoking crack. I mean, not that you do, just, uh, we’re refusing the follow the crowd, right? You know, this isn’t even, like, the REAL flag of the Confederacy. Well, it’s a battle flag, but what does that even mean, you know? You get it. So we’re cool? Pound it out?

Reece Eber / Nuclear Hellfrost

6. Reece Eber

The ex-Nuclear Hellfrost vocalist who desecrated Dimebag’s grave surely doesn’t… actually, you know what? Book this guy an audition spot. It’ll teach him a good lesson.

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