Green Eggs and Slam

Is ZANYCORE the worst genre of music???

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i set my friends on fire

U know those kids who are in drama club in high school and wear ties to school and brag about how they “don’t own a single pair of jeans” and during lunch they’ll loudly blurt out “Monkeys!! Cheese!! Pwned!!!!” followed by some stupid Monte Python quote? Now imagine what happens if these rejects discovered m*tal and u have a pretty good idea of what ZANYCORE is– quite possibly the worst subgenre of “”extreme music””. Fortunately the genre seems to be essentially dead, but it is worth a short trip down memory lane in hopes of showing future generations what happens when we let the kid who plays sousaphone in the marching band start a m*tal band.

The godfathers of zanycore are MR BUNGLE, who were basically “lol we put a kazoo in a thrash song xD” and “lol this song is about having sex with FOOD we’re so random!!!” I thought this was so clever and hilarious when I was 14, when I also thought PRIMUS and UGLY KID JOE were musical geniuses. As painfully zany as the first MR BUNGLE album is, their later material is somehow even more embarrassing– but not as embarrassing as when nerds call it “an avant garde masterpiece” lol.

If u took MR BUNGLE and ran them thru a “myspace” filter, u would have IWRESTLEDABEARONCE, who did the same “playing 1800 different unrelated parts in one song ftw xD” thing but added breakdowns. The people in this band seem cool, but I’m sorry… to fully cleanse the world of the zanycore plague, u guys all have to go. I’m sure u understand.

Speaking of “myspace zanycore,” the kings of this genre are without a doubt I SET MY FRIENDS ON FIRE, who I’m sure u remember from when u were in 7th grade and u heard this HILARIOUS song called “Sex Ed.” Baffingly, the band is still around (although they’re down to just one member). And even more baffingly, they just “pulled a myspace” by releasing an ironic FETTY WAP cover a full half-decade after zany metalcore covers of top 40 songs were a thing. (Also, the cover isn’t even funny in any way… it’s just like a really crappy cover of a song that was pretty boring and crappy to begin with)

It doesn’t get much more “if the kids who wore fedoras and dress shoes to school and loudly blurted out Monte Python quotes in the lunch room started a m*tal band” than HORSE THE BAND. I can’t think of a better way to tell the world “I’m a virgin” than listening to this band (other than maybe collecting Star Wars dolls).

When I first heard of this band, I thought it was kind of funny because in high school we used to joke about starting a pot-themed metal band called GRIM REEFER. I assumed they would make a 7″ or something in a weekend then get on with their lives since obviously such a thin joke can’t really be stretched into much more than that, right?? But then I realized this band has been around for like 9 goddamn years and now it just makes me sad to think that 4 or 5 grown adults spent a decade of their lives beating the same not-that-funny-in-the-first-place joke into the ground album after fucking album :/

If the above bands were what happens when the theater kids start m*tal bands, DR ACULA are what happens when the kid who dropped out of high school but insists that he is “gonna get his GED soon” and collects VHS horror movies, vintage porn magazines, and is working on a script for his own comedy/slasher movie starts a m*tal band. Somehow, it’s even worse than MR BUNGLE– probably because of the “creepy pot dealer who hits on ur little sister” vibe.

When I said that zanycore was dead, I may have spoken too soon :/ U may already be familiar with JERROD ALONGE, the kid who Doc Coyle calls “the weird al of the modern -core scene.” Aside from musical genre, the main difference between the two is that Weird Al is kind of funny sometimes. Jerrod, if u are reading this, hmu. U are a pretty good musician but ur comedy needs some work, and as the leader of “online satire of scene culture,” i am happy to take u under my wing and teach u my tricks (example: when u spell it “SUISIDE SILENCE,” it’s never not funny).

magician-steve-zany

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