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Holiday Gift Guide for the Ladies Who Hesh

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For us ladies who love metal, sonically and aesthetically, holiday gift guides can feel a bit exclusionary. It’s not that I don’t want some holiday-themed perfume gift set from a mall department store or a vintage Chanel bag (I do, I really fucking do). But if I’m gonna spend $4k on something it’s gonna be a trip to Gothenburg so I can pay homage to the gods of death metal (I’ve seen enough of Florida for three lifetimes), and then I’m going to use the leftover money to buy myself the things you see below. Us ladies into metal, or at least the ones I tend to hang out with / stalk on Instagram, are a fantastically fashionable set — it’s not all cut-up Slayer tees (though those are classically great) and cheap studded wristbands these days; we’re sophisticated and grown, and we want our fashion to reflect both our interests and our womanhood. The ninth Satanic sin is “a lack of aesthetics,” after all. Can’t be disappointing the Infernal One.

So if you’ve got some cash to drop on your beloved mistress of all things dark and heavy, complement the tickets for the upcoming Decibel tour and the new Baroness Purple LP you preordered for her with one of the below lovelies.

Souvenir Jewelry

Souvenir Jewelry

Souvenir Jewelry (@theholymountainism on IG) is everything I didn’t know I needed until I saw it, bought a couple of pieces and fell even harder in love with the impeccable quality and adorable, thoughtful packaging. This is handmade heavy metal jewelry done with class and simplicity that combines my love of band merch with my insatiable need for shiny things. The Black Sabbath ring is what first drew me upon these gorgeous designs, and the new releases that roll out periodically continue to thrill me and fill me with reprobate lust — just look at the Bone Shaker ring. LOOK AT IT. And come on — stackable rings that you can make custom combos with like “Stoner Doom Babe” and “Heavy Metal Forever?” Give me fucking ALL OF IT.

Side note: Hurry up if you’re buying for Christmas — these items are handmade in Philadelphia and take time to ship.

Something Sexy from Creepy Yeha

Spoil your girl and get her something that is not only extremely well-crafted but also bone-shatteringly hot. I can attest to the quality of these products, as I have a spiked faux leather collar, and the second I slip it on, I become (in my mind, at least) a wanton lustful sex kitten. We all know women are pretty much gorgeous creatures who smell nice and look great in everything, but when a girl FEELS sexy? Pure black magic. My current objet petit a on this site is the ultra-sexual Richie Harness, and while it’s not only for the metal ladies (BDSM is almost Midwestern Housewife-level mainstream these days), it would look smashing underneath one of those aforementioned Slayer tees with some skintight black jeans and Docs, no?

A Classic Leather Biker Jacket

As I recently noticed at an Mgla show, the hottest I ever see my girlfriends look is when they are rocking the perfect leather jacket with literally any other piece of clothing they own. You can dress it up, dress it down, patch it, pin it, stud it, eat, sleep, and fuck in it — they are the ultimate necessity for anyone who wants to look and feel like a badass. If your lady is hesitant to make the plunge and buy herself a proper leather, do her the honors. Vintage is also impossibly cool, so if the one listed here is out of your price range, don’t forget to scour your local Goodwill on new shipment day. They’ve been cool forever and always will be, so someone’s trash can very well become your affordable treasure.

Meatloaf Bodysuit

Meatloaf “Bat Out of Hell” Bodysuit

The entire inspiration for this guide came from this piece, which I stumbled upon in a relatively otherwise normal-looking site, save for a few other metal shirts that would likely draw criticism from bros who are 2 authentic 4U and get their little peckers in a tussy every time a picture of a hot celebrity girl in a band shirt makes the rounds. Anyway, this is baller, Bat… is the best Meatloaf album of all time, and it’s TEN FUCKING DOLLARS. That’s ridiculous. I ordered one; join me and let’s match and tell each other how fucking cute we are.

resistor

Hand-stitched Skull Necklace from Resistor Rags N’ Wares

I’m all about supporting small businesses, particularly ones run by boss-ass ladies like the stunning one behind RR&W. These delightful necklaces do a lovely job of combining a delicate concept with a bit of edge, for when you need to keep it ladylike but don’t want to come off too soft. There are different varieties of fabric available, all cleverly dyed in a different liquid (wine, whiskey, coffee) so pick your favorite poison and drop a very modest twenty bucks on one of these absolutely adorable necklaces. For an extra ten dollars, make it a broach and necklace set — she’s worth it. Get your holiday orders in before December 9th.

Hooded Pentagram Robe from Hell Couture

Winter is here, which means it’s time for layers. Leave the cheesy fleece pullovers to the normies and let your lady pile this on under her winter coat for a look that’s sleek, mysterious, and gorgeously occult. I know at this point you’re like “Why didn’t you just name this list ‘Shit I Have in my Closet,’ KC?!” but I swear, the material this lovely lady uses to craft these pieces is the softest thing I’ve ever worn, and weighted perfectly for all seasons. I wore mine to a Watain show in a Brooklyn warehouse in the dead middle of summer last year and didn’t sweat profusely, and I also lived in it practically all winter and never caught frostbite once. Also, if you’re having a bad hair day but need to look sinister and fierce, what better thing can you do than drape your skull in a studded hood? I always say if it works for Nergal, it works for me, which leads me to my next suggestion…

Toxic Vision

ANYTHING from Toxic Vision

This is the ultimate indulgence, the engagement-ring level investment without the commitment, the stuff with which my couture-laden dreams are filled. The brilliant line designed and created solely by the beautiful Sharon Ehman has been worn by members of Behemoth, Watain, Dimmu Borgir and many more. Each one-of-a-kind piece generally sells out in no time upon release. According to Ms. Ehman’s Facebook page there’s a new collection coming out soon, so sit by your computers and dig deep in your wallets if you’re looking to REALLY impress.

Remember, the holidays are not all about consumerism and commercialized spending, but it does feel nice to be a bit indulgent with the people you love once a year. God luck and good speed to you in your spending adventures during this stressful season.

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