Headbanging — a harmless passtime engaged in by metalheads that moves the body along to the rhythm of the music.
OR IS IT?! While many parents and church leaders overlook headbanging among today’s youths, they’re likely ignoring one of the MOST PHYSICALLY HARMFUL HABITS EVER CONCOCTED. MetalSucks has this exclusive report.
For years, headbanging has been celebrated amongst metalheads in song and practice. We idolize famous actors doing it and celebrate photo books of fans doing it at music festivals. But according to medical officials, headbanging actually causes irreversible trauma to the neck, back, pussy, crack, natal cleft, and most importantly the brain. NO ONE IS SAFE.
According to unnamed sources with legitimate medical degrees obtained in respectable universities in first-world countries, the human brain is subjected to physical abuse every time the skull is thrust forward to the rhythm of a hard rock tune. Our own medical expert, Dr. Reggie Caliente of the Hebbronville Free Clinic, made the following observation:
“Every time the brain is thrown forward, its two jelly loaves, or ‘parts’ as we call them in the industry, are forced apart, and a fissure is created between them. More so, the constant forward thrustage causes the front of the brain to take on a density not unlike that of the human ass. The result is often [EXTREMELY PAINFUL DEATH].”
While most believe that headbanging died out in the late ’80s, there are still reports of this dangerous practice going on in several major cities. In New York last year, one horrified onlooker even obtained video of a person headbanging on the subway, in full view of IMPRESSIONABLE CHILDREN. (Though it has not been confirmed, several sources stated that the subway headbanger also got off at the Christopher Street stop, where he went on to engage in HOMOSEXUAL ACTIVITY).
Today’s parents might be reluctant to condemn this deadly practice, remembering their own light headbanging experiences while listening to the close of “Paradise by the Dashboard Light.” But these unwitting caretakers could never expect the FULL CRANIAL FURY caused by today’s stronger, more violent strains of headbanging that come with songs like “Oh My Fucking God” or “Feast of the Damned.”
More so, headbanging has now INFECTED OUR CULTURE in new and terrifying ways. Video games are idolizing the action! The unholy and most likely COMMUNIST nation of Finland is putting headbangers on our phones! Bees are doing it as a precursor to UNPROTECTED SEX! Even BABIES ARE IN DANGER!
If you’re worried your children or their friends might be headbanging, look for the signs: windmilling of hair, rhythmic pumping of fists, requests that you “crank it up,” the phrase “Shit yeah, son!”, and the dreaded White Man’s Overbite. Meanwhile, ready your child’s diary and e-mails while they are at school or work and see if they are using one of the following “slang” terms for headbanging:
- Banging your head
- The ol’ rip-roar dome-toss
- “Enjoying” a “concert”
- The minotaur slide
- Anal play
- Bango tango
- Blowjobbin’ the front rowski
Some metal youth claim that they’ve headbanged for years with no ill effects–but are you willing to RISK THE LIVES OF YOUR CHILDREN believing them? So keep your eyes out for headbanger behavior within your community and/or parish. Because the next “show” your kids attend COULD BE THEIR LAST.
This post was last modified on March 10, 2016, 2:07 pm