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Exclusive Interview: The Ghost of Prince Responds to Gene Simmons Calling His Death “Pathetic”

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As you have no doubt heard, KISS bassist/vocalist/sociopath Gene Simmons recently made some controversial comments regarding the passing of Prince. We subsequently visited our close, personal friend, Long Island-based medium Maureen Applebaum-Horowitz, and asked her to help us conduct a séance in order to get a comment from Prince. The transcript of that discussion follows below.

Hello?

Yes, hello, Prince, this is Axl Rosenberg from MetalSucks.

Do we know each other?

No, we don’t, but I am friends with Juggalo Bob.

AH! I love him! Any friend of Juggalo Bob’s is a friend of mine. How can I help you, Axl Rosenberg from MetalSucks? 

Yes, well, I’m sorry to disrupt your well-earned vacation in Valhalla, but I was wondering if you had any response to Gene Simmons’ recent assertion that it was “pathetic that [Prince] killed himself.”

Jean said that? No, darling, I believe you’re mistaken. Jean is here with me. We’re working on a musical version of Spartacus with Arthur Laurents and Mozart.

Sorry — I was actually referring to Gene Simmons from KISS, not Jean Simmons the actress.

Gene from Kiss… I don’t remember her. Was she part of Mazarati [the funk band with whom Prince recorded 1986’s “Kiss”]?

No, Gene Simmons is a man. From the band KISS, not your song, “Kiss.”

[long silence]

Y’know, KISS? “Rock N’ Roll All Nite”? “Detroit Rock City”? “Beth”???

[more silence]

C’mon! KISS! They wear make-up? They each have a character? Gene Simmons spits fire and blood and has a really long tongue?

I’m sorry, honey, but it’s not ringing any bells.

Really? Um… he used to date Cher?

Well, THAT’S not helpful. Hold on.

[calling to someone else] Hey everybody. Does anyone know a man called Gene Simmons from a band called KISS?

[pause]

No, it does not seem that anyone here has heard of this Gene Simmons. But he’s a musician, you say?

Yes, sir.

Well, then, I would assume he is simply intimated by the legacy I left behind, and the near-universal outpouring of grief over the death of my corporeal cage. But I’m not mad, darling. My advice to Gene would be to use the remainder of his career to attempt to make art that will impact the world the same way I did.

Okay, but… Gene Simmons is 66. KISS have made twenty studio albums since 1974. He’s closer to the end than the beginning.

Oh.

[pause]

Well, then, I don’t know what to say, dear. Some people are beyond helping. Now will there be anything else? Reggie Lewis and I have a date to play two-on-two against Andre the Giant and Steven Tyler.

Steven…? But… Prince, Steven Tyler is still alive!

That’s what you think, baby. That’s what you think!

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