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Necessary Roughness Week 6: Is This Real Life?

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Five weeks late but only inches short, “Necessary Roughness” returns! Guaranteed to move the chains is this year’s metalhead armchair quarterback DJ Scully, who plays bass in three MetalSucks faves: Dead Empires, Black Table and The Number Twelve Looks Like You. He’s an avid follower of the NFL and has lots to say. Get to it!

What the hell is going on in the NFL? We’re only in Week 6 and a lot of things seem to be going off the rails! The only undefeated team is the Vikings, despite both Teddy Bridgewater and Adrian Peterson’s knees both exploding. The Cowboys are 5-1 despite Tony Romo’s entire body exploding. Last year’s NFC champion Panthers’ whole team has exploded and they are 1-5. The Bills have outscored their opponents 124-53 the last four weeks, including a shutout of the Patriots two weeks ago. If it weren’t for the Browns being 0-6, I’d assumed we were living the darkest timeline.

Let’s recap some of these games and try to find something that makes us feel safe and normal.

Last season Paul talked an awful lot about the Raiders in this column and I was almost ready to hop on that bandwagon myself. Of course they wound up going 7-9 and missing the playoffs, but there was a lot to look forward to and it seems like in 2016 they’re cashing in on that promise. Yesterday they had a tough division game against the Chiefs, who have been legit contenders for a few years now. Jamaal Charles didn’t do much, but Spencer Ware looked like a God amongst mortals in this one. If the Chiefs get both of those guys going simultaneously, they’re going to be very tough once again. Derek Carr and Amari Cooper did all they could, but it wasn’t enough. They’re still looking good, but the AFC West is going to be a bloodbath as we get deeper into the season and closer to the playoffs.

Best part of the game? Fat guy touchdown!

Not just any fat guy TD! Last season, Dontari Poe became literally the fattest guy to score a TD ever! What a time to be alive!

As a Giants fan, I was convinced this week’s game against the Ravens would be torture from wire to wire. I wasn’t entirely wrong! The G-Men came out of the gate like limp dicks lazily making puddles of piss here and there. They failed to even get a first down until most of the way through the second quarter, garnering hilariously sarcastic applause from the home crowd along the way. After that, though, everything started to click and the offense looked the way everyone has hoped it would all year. Eli Manning ended the day with 403 yards passing, 3 TDs and 2 INTs (one of which was on the last play of the second quarter, so who cares?) – that’s what his stat line should look like every week with OBJ, Sterling Shepard and Victor Cruz in his arsenal. The only thing I can’t figure out is the running game. Does Ben McAdoo just hate his running backs? Or is the offensive line really that putrid? Seems like no one can get enough snaps to get in a groove. The D came through with some really nice stops and even a couple of sacks! That $200+ million is starting to look like a good investment. All this despite being fucked late in the game with a phantom pass interference call. The Ravens have now lost their last three in a row, after winning their first three by a combined 13 points. I have a feeling this is going to be a long, shitty season of near misses for Baltimore fans. Welcome to the club, guys! It sucks here!

The Patriots, unsurprisingly, covered the 8.5 point spread against the Bengals. Looks like they finally found a replacement for convicted murderer Aaron Hernandez in Martellus Bennett. I don’t know how anyone is supposed to stop the duo of Bennett and Gronk. They are both beasts in pass catching and run blocking and either would make any offense better, but having both is a disgusting luxury afforded only to the most crafty and evil of wizards. I’m very excited to see the Pats/Bills game in two weeks. We’ll see if Rex and his offense are for real and if that shutout was just a result of having poor Jacoby Brissett instead of Tom Brady.

Speaking of the Bills, it’s hard not to let the result of their game against the 49ers feel like a predictor of the Presidential election, right? Fat, loud Trump supporter Rex Ryan steamrolled poor Colin Kaepernick. Is that how the election is gonna go down? Or maybe it’s just that the 49ers defense is made mostly of Scotch tape, paper mâché and distant memories of all the awesome young players who retired in their prime on their watch. I guess we’ll find out!

Before Week 5 I finally made a positive move to improve my moribund fantasy team and I’d like to highlight that bit of genius here. HUNTER FUCKING HENRY! I think I’m still going to lose this week, but Double H is killing it. I’ve always been a huge Antonio Gates fan and it looks like Henry’s production is coming at the cost of Gates getting looks, but you gotta go with the hot hand. I’m sure next week I’ll be in here lamenting the .3 pt game Hunter puts up against the Falcons, but right now let’s just enjoy it.

Next week I’ll be writing this from Texas. Let’s hope I’m not doing so with a Cowboys-fan-induced stab or gunshot wound.

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