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Necessary Roughness, Week 11: Disposable Heroes

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The Packers got blown up in prime time. Kickers set a record for missed extra points. This happened:

And yet, the most brutal thing I saw all week was Leonard Floyd’s hit on Rashad Jennings that led to Floyd being stretchered off the field in the Giants/Bears game. This came in the same week as Luke Kuechly’s brain got turned to mush and the Browns sacrificed Cody Kessler to the concussion-protocol gods for the second time this season. I don’t necessarily want to start a debate about safety or the moral implications of watching football. Instead, I just want to recognize how shitty it is to have a calamitous injury while playing for a bad team. It’s bad enough to be a star on a shitty team, but to be a star that gets cut down while playing for nothing is the saddest thing I can think of. The Bears are 2-8, the Browns are 0-11… I’m assuming both these guys will be back at some point in the next six weeks, but for what? At a certain point don’t you want to protect your bright spots for the future? No? Ok, Back to the front!

Boy, the Packers suck now huh? Over the last two weeks, they’ve given up 961 yards and 12 touchdowns (over the same span, the Browns have given up 709 and five). When your defense is that horrific, there’s absolutely nothing you can do. Ask Drew Brees; he’s been playing this particular brand of football for a few years now. On the other side, Washington looks pretty scary! Cousins is putting up monster numbers and as a Giants fan I couldn’t be happier (I’m sorry in advance for reveling in your misery, Reaping!). Dan Snyder and GM Scot McCloughan royally fucked themselves by not securing Cousins with a long term extension before the season started. If Cousins keeps it up, Washington will have to either pay him a king’s ransom and destroy their salary cap or let him become an unrestricted free agent and start 2017 with no QB. If you’re proletariat scum who root for union members like I do this will be the best thing you see all week. Way to stick it to the man, Kirk! (Side note: what asshole scheduled Cowboys vs Redskins on Thanksgiving?)

Alright, Chiefs fans, you asked for more coverage; you did this to your team, you jinxers! The big knock on Alex Smith has always been his “game manager” playing style and it really bit the Chiefs in the ass this week. The last play of the game was a 10 yard pass from their own 34. WHY?! The Bucs are an alright team, but Jameis Winston has no qualms about airing it out to Mike Evans on every third play. With the exception of the long Travis Kelce play, KC didn’t want any part in that kinda fun. The Chiefs didn’t seem to have an answer for Winston on D either, as they allowed Tampa Bay to convert on 11/16 third downs. Oof.

Watching the Rams has been pretty tough all year. I got suckered into them by watching Hard Knocks in the preseason but it’s been a pretty terrible viewing experience ever since. The worst part is that they’re IN damn near every game they play at some point and then just decide to shit the bed. On Sunday, they had the Dolphins’ number; their defense was bottling up Jay Ajayi and harrassing Tannehill, Jared Goff kinda looked like an NFL quarterback and Todd Gurley had a sweet run! And then in the fourth quarter stupid penalties let the Dolphins right back in on two straight drives resulting in TDs (and with BOTH XPs made!).

The Giants had an awesome day at the expense of Smokin’ Jay Cutler and the Bears. The first half looked like it was shaping up to be a classic Giants trap game against an obviously weaker opponent, but the billion dollar defense once again showed why they get paid what they do. They’re only going to get better as the season wears on and they get more time together. Rashad Jennings ran hard and the passing game was as good as it needed to be. Eli got lucky on a couple bonehead throws, but that’s pretty much par for the course. The Bears without Alshon Jeffery still managed to give me mild anxiety early on. Jordan Howard ran roughshod over our guys for the first two quarters. If they can avoid handing the Browns their first win, this season will already be a success. Landon Collins for MVP:

I can’t wait to post his 2016 highlight reel at the end of the season!

Fantasy Pimp of the Week

Rob Kelley! Where did this dude even come from? His fantasy profile on nfl.com doesn’t even have any news! Mark Sanchez’s profile has news and he’s apparently so valueless he’s not even wearing the right jersey in his profile pic!

kelley-sanchez

I know he had a couple good games the past three weeks, but 137 yds and 3 TDs is some BeastMode shit! Does it feel like we’re experiencing a running renaissance this year to anyone else?

Rob Ryan’s Shit Kickin’ Jam Of The Week

rob-ryanRob Ryan is the NFL’s resident longhair. Look at that mane! When I feel like I have no more riffs to give, one look at this maniac gives me hope. This is where I’m going to put a track that I like to imagine Rob and Rex drinking beers and smoking weed to every week. This week’s track is “Rosanna” by Toto. Membah Toto? This is a better song than “Africa.” Plus it has a horrific music video to go with it. This is from Toto’s official YT page. They must have been really satisfied with how the VHS tape they shot this on compressed the audio. Hey, by the way, I made a Spotify playlist for this stupid gimmick. If you wanna get laid at a Foreigner tailgate, blast this from your IROC Z. H/T to Ally for this week’s suggestion.

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