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Necessary Roughness Week 13: Blowhards Gonna Blow

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The No Fun League was out in FORCE this week. It seems to come from all angles at this point, too. The league makes shitty rules, the officials seem more than happy to enforce them, and announcers are almost giddy to point out when someone’s being a bad boy. Let’s just take a quick look at three of the most egregious instances this week. First up we have Marquette King playing with the flag:

OK, you know what? That probably should be a penalty. No one should be messing with the refs; I think that may actually be a slippery slope. But it didn’t cost his team a goddamn thing. The Raiders were up late and Marquette was celebrating a roughing the kicker penalty that gave them the ball back and sealed the game. Who cares if it was 1st and 10 or 1st and 25? That shit is hilarious. In Sunday night’s game, Ron Rivera thought that an appropriate punishment for Cam Newton not wearing a tie while traveling was to bench him for the game’s first series.

Again: an arbitrary team dress code rule was broken by one of the best athletes in the entire league. And his coach decided Cam’s neck tie was more important than fielding the best possible team. Ron Rivera should have been fired at halftime. The third and most troubling instance I want to highlight is the suspension of Seantrell Henderson. This is his second suspension related to weed since his Crohn’s disease diagnosis and a surgery that removed two and a half feet of his intestines.

The first suspension was for four games and this one is for TEN. It’ll shock nobody to hear that the guy writing a football column on a metal website thinks weed should be legal. It still isn’t in some places, but at this point it’s legal in enough that the NFL can’t pretend it’s some dangerous gateway drug or menace to society. The NFL effectively stole this guy’s entire year’s income (and probably a lot more moving forward) and they absolutely trashed Josh Gordon’s career… for what? No one with a half a brain gives a single shit if any of these dudes want or need to get high. They’re already being injected with all kinds of horrific painkillers and anti-inflammatory medicines regularly in an effort to continue killing themselves for our entertainment, so why can’t they smoke?

OK, on to some more fun stuff! Yesterday, since the Giants were on at 4:25pm, I spent the 1pm games watching Red Zone. I confirmed that I do not like Red Zone. It makes me feel like I’m watching all the games, but by the time they’re over I realize I haven’t really seen anything. In the case of the 49ers/Bears game, I didn’t miss anything either. Not one completion by either team in the first quarter. How?

One thing the NFL got right recently is the new two-point conversion rules. Now we’ve had two defensive two-point conversions decide games this year – that’s awesome. For all the snide comments I’ve made about the Chiefs, they beat the Falcons at home, and they did it creatively! Both a pick-six and pick-two from Eric Berry, Alex Smith airing it out to Travis Kelce and this gorgeous fake punt:

It’s so goddamn stupid they have to play the Raiders on Thursday this week. Both these teams deserve a full week of rest and we as viewers deserve to see them at their best.

Goddamnit was that a frustrating Giants game to watch. The D did everything they possibly could: they forced a fumble from Le’Veon Bell, Eli Apple had that awesome pick, Olivier Vernon had two sacks! And the offense pissed it all away. I don’t think it needs to be said, but Antonio Brown is the best receiver in the league. It’s absurd what that guy is capable of. On the other side, Odell whining at the refs probably only made things worse for him. Even Troy Aikman had to admit Odell was getting pushed around a bit, but you just don’t get the same calls on the road that you do at home. It’s science!

Next week we’ll get a much better idea of the playoff picture, but things are getting really tight in almost every division! Even the AFC South is pretty compelling…

Fantasy Pimp Of The Week

No one went totally HAM this week, so I’m gonna give it to Golden Tate just because he’s playing like an animal. 7 catches for 136 yards and a TD. Dude is out there making awesome catches and then PUNISHING everyone around him.

Rob Ryan’s Shit Kickin’ Jam Of The Week

rob-ryanRob Ryan is the NFL’s resident longhair. Look at that mane! When I feel like I can’t possibly chug another beer, one look at this maniac gives me hope. This is where I’m going to put a track that I like to imagine Rob and Rex drinking beers and smoking weed to every week. This week’s track is “Just Got Paid” by ZZ Top. I don’t need to explain this one. It’s one of their best tracks.

Hey, by the way, I made a Spotify playlist for this stupid gimmick. While your enjoying a drug that would cost an NFL player literally hundreds of thousands of dollars to also enjoy, crank this while you do it.

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