Eleven Metal Musicians We’d Be Happy to See Join As I Lay Dying

Last week, a rumor began to spread that the recently emancipated Tim Lambesis is going to attempt to re-launch As I Lay Dying with all new members. Assuming that this is, in fact, the case, it naturally begs the question: just who the heck will join As I Lay Dying 2.0?

Well, funny you should ask… ’cause we have some suggestions!

Anyone of the Dudes from Wicked Wisdom

Ever catch this band live? Clearly, these guys will do anything.

Guitars – Chris Holmes (ex-W.A.S.P.)

Holmes is a man of questionable intelligence, taste, and morality, who is sorely in need of income and desperate for attention. If he doesn’t tick off all of the boxes for “Potential New AILD Members,” nobody does.

Guitars – Tripp Eisen (ex-Static-X, ex-Dope, ex-Murderdolls)

We know he needs a job, and he shares Lambesis’ skill for understating his past transgressions. Seems like a good match to us.

Bass – Christian Olde Wolbers

Here is a man who so misses the spotlight that he lied about his former band breaking up just to remind us all that he was once in that band.

Drums – Jaxon Brown

He was born the year Lambesis was arrested, so he probably doesn’t even know who Lambesis is and will just be happy to have a job.

Drums – Faust (ex-Emperor)

The only issue here could be that Faust successfully murdered someone on his own without any help from his friend at the gym. So he might think he’s too cool for Lambesis. Otherwise, I can’t imagine he’d have any objections to joining AILD.

Drums – Steven Adler

Would somebody please just give this poor guy a job already? Jesus Harold Christ. You’d think he tried to hire a hitman to kill his wife.

Drums – Scott Hull’s Drum Machine

Totally kidding. Scott Hull’s Drum Machine has way too much integrity for this job.

Any other suggestions? Share ’em in the comments section below!