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Dear Oprah, Please Add Hellraisers To Oprah’s Book Club

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Ms. Winfrey,

My name is Chris, though you probably know me best as Emperor Rhombus, oblivion enthusiast and dancing chimp for MetalSucks.net. Today, I come to you with non-snarky-metal-blog-related business, if you can believe that.

MetalSucks co-founder Axl Rosenberg and I will soon release Hellraisers: A Complete Visual History of Heavy Metal Mayhem, a book that I think we can all agree is THE definitive publication on music concerning Satan’s sex life. And while Mark Riddick’s insane illustration for the book’s jacket features all the important ingredients of fine art—the gates of Hell, a zombie headbanger playing a demonic guitar, burning skeletons rising from the infernal muck—there’s still something missing from the cover of this important volume.

And that’s an Oprah’s Book Club sticker.

Ms. Winfrey, your Book Club has championed works by brilliant authors such as Toni Morrison, William Faulkner, Colson Whitehead, Jonathan Franzen, and Joyce Carol Oates, but it is sadly lacking in titles about chainsaw riffage, Scandinavian arson, or that time Alice Cooper accidentally killed a chicken. The absence of these facts among your suggested reading material is detrimental to the cultural growth and spiritual development of your fanbase. How will your fans and followers know the names of all nine members of Slipknot without some guidance? How will they understand the flesh-peeling bravado of The Red Chord’s Clients?

Thankfully, Hellraisers provides all of this vital information and more. Complete with playlist suggestions, crash courses in niche subgenres, and exclusive interviews with members of Cannibal Corpse, DevilDriver, Saint Vitus, Liturgy, Killswitch Engage, Anthrax, and more, this beautiful volume is both the perfect primer for your metal-curious friends and a wonderful holiday gift for the black-clad dinner-ruining indoor kid in your life. As Trivium frontman and soulful-eyed guitar magus Matt Heafy writes in his foreword, Hellraisers will “school your ass in all things Metal.” And if there is one person we can all trust, Ms. Winfrey, it is Matt Heafy. Dude’s a mensch.

Ms. Winfrey, we live in uncertain times—environmental disaster looms, information overload runs rampant, and a rapacious orange Klansman keeps America’s nuclear launch codes in his Fox News lunchbox. But through all of this, one central principle remains unvanquished: metal is awesome. Headbanging is fun. Motorhead kicks ass. In this vida loca, people need to be reminded of these unshakable truths. Please help us spread this unifying message of sonic brutality by making Hellraisers: A Complete Visual History of Heavy Metal Mayhem part of Oprah’s Book Club.

Should you simply want to purchase bulk copies and give them out to your fans, you can do so at this Amazon preorder link.

Thanks for your time, and stay true.

Hail,

Chris (AKA Emperor Rhombus)

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