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Necessary Roughness, Week 2: More Like “Dead” Zone Amirite?

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Editor’s Note: One of DJ’s many fantastic bands, Black Table, is on tour right now! Remaining dates:

9/18 – Chicago, IL – LiveWire Lounge Chicago w/ VukariBlack Table / Hexis / Vukari / TBA
9/19 – Madison, WI – Art In w/ Bereft (WI)Black Table/Bereft/Hexis/The Central
9/20 – Des Moines, IA – Vaudeville Mews: Black Table w/ Hexis at Vaudeville Mews
9/21 – Denver, CO – Streets of London Pub w/ Cult of the Lost CauseHexis with Black Table, Cult of the Lost Cause @ Streets Of London Pub
9/22 – Salt Lake City, UT – Club X SLC w/ Dipped In Whiskey & DiseNgaged (Band)Black Table w/ Hexis, Dipped In Whiskey, & DiseNgaged at Club X 9/22
9/23 – Boise, ID – The ShredderHexis, Black Table, Possessive, Infernal Coil w/ Infernal Coil
9/24 – Seattle, WA – El Corazon: Black Table at Funhouse
9/26 – Portland, OR – Tonic Lounge w/ Flood PeakBlack Table, Hexis, Flood Peak
9/27 – San Francisco, CA – Elbo RoomBLACK TABLE & HEXIS in SF
9/28 – Los Angeles, CA – 5Star Bar: Hexis / Black Table + Special Guests
9/30 – Tempe, AZ – Yucca Tap Roomhttps://www.facebook.com/events/324086411387334
10/1 – Santa Fe, NM – The underground at evangelo’sBlack Table / Hexis
10/2 – El Paso, TX – Rockhouse Bar & Grill
10/3 – Austin, TX – The Lost Well
10/4 – New Orleans, LA – Poor Boys Bar
10/6 – Columbus, OH @ The Summit w/ The Black AntlerBlack Table • Hexis • The Black Antler at The Summit (10/6)
10/7 – Pittsburgh, PA – The Rock Room: Black Table, Hexis, Urns, and Vnfvrl at Rock Room
10/8 – Brooklyn, NY – Saint Vitus BarBlack Table, Hexis at Saint Vitus

And now back to your regularly scheduled NFL commentary…

This week I was stuck in the Black Table van driving from Shadow Woods Metal Festival in White Hall, MD up to Fort Wayne, IN for the vast majority of my Sunday. Naturally, I took first shift driving and at 1pm it was time for football on my phone. This is already a pretty tough proposition, but I was determined to make it work. For the early games I couldn’t make up my mind on what to catch so, I decided to just watch Red Zone. What a huge mistake.

Should have watched this instead! Both the real movie and the TFS version are fantastic.

When it first came out, Red Zone seemed like a godsend. “Hey, my team isn’t on yet… let me watch all the sweet highlights for the day AS they happen!” It seems soooo good. But after about a half hour, I realized Red Zone is the junk food of NFL viewing. Even as a fantasy football player, I gained NO insight and wasn’t able to follow a goddamn thing. By 3:30, I couldn’t tell you reliably who was winning any given game. And I watched EVERY score. How does that happen? You really need to sit with an entire game to get a feel for the teams and understand what’s happening in context. A single big play at a time just doesn’t give you that and takes what is truly great about the sport completely out of it. What follows are my takeaways from the early slot. I apologize for how basic and shitty they are. This is what you get from Red Zone.

Buffalo at Carolina: 9-6. What the hell happened to Carolina? I know last year they had some injuries and struggled after that awesome 15-1 season. Anyone is likely to regress, especially if you have the eventual NFC Champs in your division. But beyond regression and injuries, they looked pretty putrid in the limited action I saw. Cam Newton alone should’ve been able to put up more points on the obviously-tanking Bills. I’m hoping Christian McCaffery ends up being good, but every down I saw him play, he was tackled for a loss.

New England at New Orleans: This would have been such an awesome game like six years ago. Unfortunately, it is not 2011. Hopefully Drew Brees moves on next year and can get to his Joe Montana in Kansas City phase.

Tennessee at Jacksonville: That’s some classic Jags football. Boy am I glad I picked up Allen Hurns when Allen Robinson went down. Jags WRs are ALWAYS good for those gaudy garbage time stats. I love watching Derrick Henry – it’s hilarious to watch a monster like him blow up defensive lines. The Jaguars supposedly have a good D and yet Henry was able to get 6.6 yards per carry…

Eagles at Chiefs: Man, Andy Reid was just DYING to undo all the goodwill he earned last week, wasn’t he? Red Zone pretty much played the last minute of this game in its entirety and it should NOT have been that close. Why would Kareem Hunt only get 13 carries? After they got up by two scores, they should have let him run wild all over the Eagles. Did we learn nothing since the Super Bowl?!

Cardinals at Colts: This fourth quarter made me want to jump out of the van. David Johnson getting injured in Week 1 might be the best thing to happen to David Johnson this season. The Cards cannot get out of their own way. Nobody wanted to win this game and I think the NFL should seriously consider handing them both an L this week.

Vikings at Steelers: I hadn’t heard about Sam Bradford’s knee before the game, so when Case Keenum showed up on my screen, I was confused as hell. Barring any big injuries, the Steelers offense is only going to get better and better as the season goes on. What can you do when someone like Xavier Rhodes all but shuts down Antonio Brown? Throw it to Martavius Bryant!

I really love that the Steelers are taking advantage of the slightly more relaxed celebration rules. Of course they are! AB rules.

Bears at Bucs: I think these are literally the only plays I saw from this game. Seems like a good enough summary:

Browns at Ravens:

For the 4pm games I tried my best to watch the Dolphins play the Chargers, but I was in the middle of a T-Mobile dead zone. Before the game I was convinced I was going to watch the very underrated Chargers run all over the Dolphins. I guess I underestimated Smokin’ Jay Cutler and his familiarity with Adam Gase’s offense. Jarvis Landry made a bunch of sweet catches and if Younghoe Kue hadn’t missed two FGs this week and one last week, there’s a very real chance they’d be 2-0 instead of 0-2.

Fantasy Pimp of the Week

Michael Crabtree! I’m curious how often the FPOTW will come against the Jets this season. Crabtree doesn’t always have the craziest stats, but he has been a badass since joining the Raiders. Also his Twitter handle is @kingcrab15.

Some Random Thoughts!

I meant to mention last week that Tony Romo is an AWESOME announcer! This was shared an awful lot, but here it is again. Every former player should be providing this level of commentary:

If this was a Phil Simms reel, each play would be followed by a minute of silence and THEN a (poorly worded and very basic) diagnosis of what happened on the play.

I was pretty convinced the Jets wouldn’t score a TD all season. The powerhouse tandem of Jevon Kearse and Josh McCown proved me wrong.

Playlist for Giants Fans

via GIPHY

I had no idea the Giants were playing on Monday until yesterday. I’m personally praying for a primetime redemption for the no-show that was last week’s game. Let’s get a pump up song ready for my boys:

Queens of the Stone Age – “You Think I Ain’t Worth a Dollar, But I Feel Like A Millionaire.”

GAHHHHHH. There is no better pump up song on earth. Put this motherfucker in your Beats, OBJ and catch a million passes, will ya?

I know you’ll do this without me asking, but let me know in the comments any games you think I should focus on next week and I’ll do my best! Or, you know, you could tell me IRL:

blacktabletourposter

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