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Necessary Roughness, Week 3: Sonofabitch!

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Holy shit, what a crazy week! Juuuuuust when I thought I had a good handle on who’s good and who sucks, the Jets, Jags, Bears and Bills all go out and have an actively productive week. Meanwhile, the Broncos, Seahawks and Raiders all took it directly on the face.

No matter how bad any team is, usually in-division games are tough. The Rams stepped up and are now 2-1 after dropping 41 on the lowly 49ers in what was the first good TNF game in recent memory. I think it’s safe to say that not only are the Rams not total garbage, but they might actually be good now. Divisional games are always close and my boy Todd Gurley got totally robbed of what would have been his fourth TD of the day. Jared Goff looked competent and confident again this week. Of course, the 49ers defense is a tire fire, but he doesn’t look like the frazzled bust he was last year. Despite giving up 39 points, the LA defense also looked tough as they laid people out all over the field. The LA Rams are in first place in the NFC West. What a difference a year makes!

7-9, personified.
7-9, personified.

One of the great joys of travelling west for a liberal East Coast elite like me is morning football! My Giants got things started at 11am Mountain Time, so I had literally all day to seethe about their fecklessness. I will go to the grave defending Eli Manning as a Hall of Famer, but he left Evan Engram and Brandon Marshal wide the fuck open in the end zone on two separate occasions. I know he’s gotta unload the ball as quickly as possible because the burlap sacks of lukewarm oatmeal they have starting on the line aren’t giving him much time, but he’s still gotta be better than that.

Enjoy it, Eagles fans, you need it more than we do. ::stares wistfully at Lombardi trophies::

Elsewhere in the early games, the Texans gave the Pats all they could handle. I was in a Mexican restaurant in Kennewick, WA watching the final minutes with a guy who claimed to be Cooper Kupp’s brother-in-law. I guess for all the hype of their offseason, the Patriots aren’t quite as invincible as usual. I can’t wait for Gillette Stadium to burn to the ground the minute they drop another home game. Unfortunately, this was not the week.

The Jets and Bills, to absolutely no one’s surprise, can’t even tank their seasons effectively, beating the Dolphins and Broncos respectively. First of all, two teams in the same division cannot tank simultaneously. Two games have to be won between them, so this plan was doomed from the start. Second, the Jets double fucked themselves by beating a division opponent and I have no idea what the fuck happened in the Bills game. I had a sneaking suspicion that Denver’s early success was bullshit – there’s no way for one division to be THAT good.

The entire AFC West (Chiefs excluded) took an L this week. Maybe we need to pump the breaks on the West being the division to beat. The Raiders and Broncos both showed their asses this week. The Broncos especially, are going to have a tough road to the playoffs. I still think the Chargers are underrated and are going to mess up at least one team’s playoff plans. They almost took it to the Chiefs despite Phillip Rivers throwing three picks. Melvin Gordon and Joey Bossa are going to will this team into mediocrity. I actually listened to the entire game on the radio and it was pretty fun! Of course, I was using an app on my phone to do it, but still… broadcast media is kinda cool when you’re stuck in the van.

I can’t believe this is the first time I’m posting this. This video is tough as nails.

I’m sorry to Necessary Roughness reader Reaping: I really wanted to cover the Washington/Raiders game, but I just couldn’t get to a TV in time. Washington allowed 128 TOTAL NET YARDS to the RAIDERS?! Enjoy it, man…

Fantasy Pimp of the Week:

Todd Gurley!

I started Gurley and Sammy Watkins like the fucking genius I am (should have put in Robert Woods, too… Why do I have so many Rams?!) and they almost beat my brother by themselves this week. I will not get another Thursday like this ever again.

Some Random Thoughts:

FLEAFLICKER!

There are few plays as fun as the flea flicker. They’ve gotta be up there with a fake punts/kicks, fat guy TDs and Cowboys losses. Can someone tell me why more teams don’t use more behind the line ball movement like this? Is it out of sheer terror of turnovers? The lateral seems like such a low risk part of the play.

I love seeing different divisions go through waves of dominance. Remember when the NFC West was unfuckwithable three or four years ago? Take a look at it now:

nfcwestweek3

On the flip side, maybe the AFC South is pretty good! The Titans are strong, the Texans might actually have a QB now and the Jags are out here beating up on people. The Colts remain a mess, but every division needs one.

Can we stop misquoting Donald Trump? He said “son of a bitch,” not “sons of bitches.” There is no way he has the intellectual capacity to properly pluralize that phrase. Politics aside (impossible ask, I know), he cannot put together cogent sentences or finish a single thought.

Playlist for Giants fans:

via GIPHY

As noted above, the Giants went and broke our hearts again. For the billionth time against the fucking Eagles. Goddamnit. They don’t even deserve the Def Leppard version of this song, so here’s “Bringin’ on the Heartbreak” by Mariah Carey:

If, for some reason, you want to keep this schizophrenic abomination of a playlist for yourself, you can find it on Spotify here.

I’m still on tour with Black Table, btw!

blacktabletourposter

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