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Necessary Roughness Week 4: Jay Cutler for President

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Watching football on 4G while driving sucks. I know I sound like the guy in this Louie CK bit, but it’s truly frustrating when something is SO CLOSE to working perfectly just to be undone by the fact that you’re driving through a desert.

The thing I might be most sad about missing this week is the absolute masterpiece below, by one of my all time favorite quarterbacks – Smokin’ Jay Cutler:

Has anyone ever made an explosive play out of the Wildcat? No. No they have not. You know it, I know it, Jay Cutler knows it. He’s not trying to sell you some bullshit hope that THIS time, a decade into fucking with this stupid formation, will be the time that it finally works. Jay Cutler is honest. I was really looking forward to him in the announcer’s booth, but if this is what we get instead, I’ll take it.

I truly wonder how hard it is to evaluate quarterbacks if you’re a GM or coach. Teams in the NFL make it seem fucking impossible. For instance, how the fuck was Tom Savage starting this year ahead of this guy:

This Tom Savage, btw:

Nothing happened between the draft and Week 1 to make the Texans want to switch it up? Also, the Titans official hashtag is #titanup? What the hell does that mean? I spent the first three weeks Stanning for these guys. Now I look like a fool.

Let’s take a look at a few other upsets while we’re on the topic. The Jets continue to not tank, ensuring at least another year of impossibly futile football for their poor, dumb fans. How do you let this happen, Jacksonville?

There were two other upsets this week that I’m sure flew under everyone’s radar…

This is art.

I will once again endorse listening to games on the radio. I downloaded an app called Tune.in (I’m not getting paid by them, but I should be) and it lets you listen to either team’s home feed. I used to do this when I had satellite radio years ago. It really is fun listening to both sides of a big play or the end of an upset.

This week I listened to the Rams feed exclusively though. Their methodical dismantling of the Cowboys defense had the announcers in a tizzy. I love unabashed homers and you just can’t get that on TV. I love the LA Rams now, too. Todd Gurley was an unstoppable beast, but more importantly, the Rams defense managed to clamp down on Dallas in the second half and give the offense just as many opportunities as they needed. Wade Phillips is awesome. If you’re not up on his history in the league, check this out.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, the Patriots apparently have the worst D in the league! 456 yards and 32 points against per game. Tommy ballbag can only do so much, guys.

afc-east

Is this real life? I know it can’t last, so let’s just enjoy this. #billsmafia

On the other side of the field, it looks like Cam Newton is back! It only took an entire year for him to recover from getting his brain turned to pudding last year. Congratulations on another undefeated start, Carolina!

The Giants also played a game.

Fantasy Pimp of the Week

This has to go to either Cam or Deshaun, but I’m gonna go with Cam. He went into Gillette Stadium and crushed face. There’s no two ways about it. Dab on ’em, Cam.

Some Random Thoughts

No undefeated teams in Week 4! I know last year I argued that mediocrity is a drag, but maybe it isn’t? This season seems a lot more fun than last at the same point, right?

This week gave us two new Scorigami. If you don’t know what that is, check it out:

I love nerd shit like this, and football is great for it because of the relatively bizarre scoring system.

Playlist for Giants Fans

via GIPHY

Stillborn by Sleep. Our season is stillborn, get it? Take a long, deep bong rip and let the crushing weight of 0-4 wash over you along with Matt Pike’s riffs. Hit the reset button, it’s over.

If, for some reason, you want to keep this schizophrenic abomination of a playlist for yourself, you can find it on Spotify here.

One week left of me whoring out this Black Table tour. Then you won’t have to scroll past this to tell me about how sports and metal don’t mix.

blacktabletourposter

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