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Fifty Metal Predictions for 2018

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  1. Pig Destroyer will make the best album of the year.
  2. Those three Agoraphobic Nosebleed EPs we’ve been waiting for, however, will not come out.
  3. Ozzy’s farewell tour will make a squillion dollars, despite a set list that’s fifty-percent Black Sabbath songs.
  4. Still no new Tool album.
  5. Still no Gojira Sea Shepherd EP.
  6. System of a Down will reunite with Everlast on vocals instead of Serj Tankian, call themselves ‘System of an Up.’
  7. Someone no one has ever heard of before will be named the new singer of Linkin Park.
  8. A Perfect Circle will actively enforce rock’s first-ever “No talking during the concert” policy.
  9. Clown will provide endless details about the new Slipknot album, none of which have been conveyed to or confirmed with Corey Taylor.
  10. Even the Dio hologram will come out against the Dio hologram.
  11. Machine Head’s Catharsis : Metal :: Star Wars: The Last Jedi : Mainstream Movies.
  12. Nothing will be Dave Mustaine’s fault.
  13. Varg Vikernes will take his own life after the results of his DNA kit reveal that he’s of African descent.
  14. Tony Iommi will announce he’s working on new music with Tony Martin under the moniker ‘Eternal Idol.’
  15. Phil Labonte will continue to be unable to sing.
  16. Mr. Bungle will reunite.
  17. Mudvayne will reunite.
  18. Genghis Tron will reunite.
  19. Wicked Wisdom will not reunite.
  20. Fox News will use Havok music without a hint of irony.
  21. Helloween will release a mobile game.
  22. Someone will think they spotted Muhammed Suiçmez at Summer Slaughter, leading to rumors of a new Necrophagist album. It will turn out to have just been some guy.
  23. The metalcore/NWOAHM revival will begin in earnest.
  24. They will finally film a movie version of Mötley Crüe’s The Dirt, but no one of the band’s members will be played by an actor about whom you give a hoot.
  25. Five Finger Death Punch will perform a handful of shows with Tim Lambesis as their temporary singer.
  26. Kurt Ballou will produce the new Babymetal album.
  27. Autopsy, Fit for an Autopsy, and Annotations of an Autopsy will finally all tour together.
  28. Code Orange will lose the Grammy, but win the WWE tag team wrestling championship.
  29. Mastodon will win the Grammy, but the orchestra will play a High on Fire song when they take the stage for their acceptance speech.
  30. Roadrunner will sign Chelsea Wolfe and Cloud Rat.
  31. Children of Bodom will re-release Hate Crew Deathroll under a new title; no one will notice it’s not a new album.
  32. The Misfits will play more reunion shows, but attending fans will be required to wear handcuffs and blindfolds during the performance.
  33. I will continue to confuse Threat Signal with Diecast.
  34. Paul Ryan will be spotted listening to P.O.D.
  35. Joey Jordison’s Vimic Featuring Joey Jordison will not release anything.
  36. Tim “Ripper” Owens will maintain his daily tradition of watching the video for “Burn in Hell” and weeping.
  37. Mattie Montgomery will be caught having an affair with an underage Muslim dude.
  38. Rob Zombie will announce Tom Sizemore as the star of his sequel to The Devil’s Rejects.
  39. New Stone Temple Pilots vocalist Jeff Gutt will die in a tragic hair-bleaching accident.
  40. Iron Maiden will be nominated for the Rock and Hall of Fame, but will ultimately lose the spot to Bush.
  41. Paul Di’Anno will finally say farewell to his few remaining teeth.
  42. Scott Ian will cameo as a cyborg on The Orville; a behind-the-scenes photo of him in prosthetics will be his social media profile picture for the next three-five years.
  43. A Korn song title will be used on Wheel of Fortune.
  44. Six Feet Under will release a new Graveyard Classics, this one consisting entirely of Grateful Dead covers.
  45. Someone will go to a newsstand to finally check and see if Outburn magazine is still a thing.
  46. The Gathering of the Juggalos will include performances from Disturbed and Napalm Death.
  47. Guns N’ Roses and Metallica will announce a massive co-headlining summer tour, the name of which is a funny reference to the ’92 Montreal riot.
  48. Finally! Slayer-branded nail clippers!!!
  49. MetalSucks will get in trouble for pointing out something obvious.
  50. Hellraisers: A Complete Visual History of Heavy Metal Mayhem will sell 2-3 more copies.

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